Black Friday 2010

Wowie zowie!  This was only my second time participating in true Black Friday style shopping and we kicked it's ass!!!!  Jack stayed over at a friend's house so Wayne and I could both shop with our friends Kel and Tecia.
We started with an AWESOME traditional turkey and stuffing dinner at our place.  Then we just chilled til it was time to leave for WalMart - at 11:00 p.m.!!!  Thanks to Kel's extreme BF experience we mapped out what we wanted and assigned everyone their missions.  Team Meadowlark was ready to roll!!
Upon arriving at WalMart, we realized no one was following "the rules" - meaning that the 12:01 items were supposed to stay on the pallets until 12:01!  People were ripping through the plastic wrap and grabbing what they wanted.  Our combined need it list was:

• $88 6V battery operated Jeep for Jack
• Disney mini quad for Kel's granddaughter
• PS3 games
• Nerf gun for Tecia's son
• Blu-rays
• Bissel stick vac - $8.92!!
• 3 piece Toy Story dry erase table and chairs for Jack

It was, to put it lightly, absolute chaos.  The clerks had no idea what was going on - we'd ask about specific items (the Jeep) and get 5 different answers.  No one knew where to go or what to do.  They hadn't even finished unloading the trucks!  I literally stalked a stocker to find out where they were bringing things in from and waited at the door to see if they brought out more Jeeps.  (I did snag a stick vac that way!!)
We split up and accomplished nearly everything.  As we got into the mile long checkout line, we were all super disappointed about not finding the Jeep!  Generally speaking, I'm not a pushy or violent person, but I actually had visions of punching someone out to get my kid a Jeep!!  That he doesn't even need!!
Luckily, I kept my sanity and my hands to myself.  Standing there, in the line that never moves, I told Wayne I was going to look one more time... just in case.  He offered to go - being as logical as always! - since I couldn't carry the box back to the line anyway!  Then... we wait.  Finally, he calls and says...












HE GOT ONE!!!!  I nearly jumped for joy, and Kel?  Well, she almost cried.  Haha!  We were all super excited!!  Wayne brought it to us then mentioned that people were checking out in Lawn & Garden.  Not wanting to lose our spot, he ran back to see if the lines were shorter.  We'd been standing in the regular line for 45 minutes - Tecia and Wayne had even run to Target to see how the line was there - and we'd moved all of 2 feet.  Luckily, the line in Lawn & Garden was much shorter and we were out of there in the next 30 minutes.
We ran by Target and left poor Tecia to hold a spot in line.  It was freezing cold but she was totally game!  Kel, Wayne and I ran to the house (luckily, Kel lives across the street!) to drop off our goodies from WalMart and then by the gas station for hot coffee.  When we got back to Target, Tecia'd made some new friends but was minutes from hypothermia.  Kel gave her some extra clothes, gloves and a scarf, plus her hot coffee.  Next thing we know - over an hour before they were due to open - everyone is sprinting for the door!!  Wayne took off with Kel and Tecia close behind while I dragged our carts over... to find out they'd simply switched the line to the other side of the store!!  We'd lost some ground but were still psyched to get in and get the 40" TV on Kel and Tecia's list. Luckily, Target is much more on the ball and they handed out maps citing where each doorbuster would be.  The awesome head of security also went through the line letting us all know there would be absolutely no shenanigans.  Each person was only allowed one doorbuster.  Any shoving, running, or hassle would result in immediate expulsion.  I love it!!!  
Once again, we plotted our strategy.  Tecia would stay with the carts, while the rest of us snatched up the items on our list and brought them back to her, thereby avoiding the hassle of trying to fight the crowds with carts.  Wayne just barely missed out on the TV - though we did see someone who'd been behind us with one and another guy with two!!  He did find another, better one, for just a little bit more money, so they were happy with that.  Once our carts were full, Tecia and Wayne got in line while Kel and I tried to find the couple of things we'd missed.  (Never did find that 300 light strand you advertised, Target!!)  
Once we checked out, we headed back to the houses to drop off our loot.  It was 6 a.m.  I'd been up for 24 hours straight.  And we were all starving.  Off to Denny's we went!  
Tecia nearly fell asleep in her sandwich and Wayne had to get to work so we dropped them at their respective places then headed to KMart.  About halfway through the store, my eyes began to cross and I lost all the adrenaline that'd been keeping me moving.  Kel and I decided we'd done a great job and headed home.  
Lucky for me, Jack wasn't due home til 3!!!  I slept til 12:30 when Wayne got off work (yes, he went to work for over 5 hours after being up all night!) then got up to hide stuff and clean up a bit before Jack got home.
All in all, it was a super fun experience.  We all laughed and played around, not really stressing about anything.  There were a few rude, obnoxious people out there but there were also some sweeties.  Especially Wayne - we women decided he deserves the Best Man of Black Friday award.  He was so on the ball, didn't complain once AND had a great time!!  Oh!  And I must have seen half of the people I know in town.  Haha!  It was a great way to kick off the Christmas season and Jack is going to be so excited when he sees his new Jeep!!

Breaking up is hard to do...

No, I haven't left my husband.  I have, however, for the first time ever in my life, had to end a friendship.  You know what they say about the truth - it usually lands somewhere in the middle of two stories.  And I'm sure it applies to the issues that occur in relationships.  I am certainly not perfect but I do know I try as hard as I can to be a good friend.  And, shockingly, not everyone likes me!   But when I've become so close with someone and it all goes sour, it's very very hard for me to believe this is the end. 
There have been too many hateful things said and done.  Too many letdowns.  Too much drama and stress.  When it gets to a point where you're unhappy more than you're happy, it's time to let go.  Right?  That's the "healthy" thing to do. 
But DAMN it's freaking hard.  My stomach hurts, my heart is racing, I feel sad and shaky and uncertain.  All I can think about are the good times.  All the reasons for the "break up" escape me and I hate that it probably (maybe?) hurts the other person just as much as it does me.  Or maybe more because I've been thinking about it and knew it would most likely come to this end. 
My nature is to fight as hard as possible to hold on to the people I love.  But loving someone doesn't make them the best match for you.  Sometimes, you love what is bad for you - like bacon and heavy cream and deep fried anything.  And as hard as this is, as much as I'm second guessing myself, I believe it's better in the long run.  There've been too many fights.  Too many bad words.  Too little understanding. 
This will hurt for a long time...

Thanksgiving 2010

Dear Universe,

This year has been full of surprises.  Full of joy and discovery.  Full of friends and laughter and love.  And very light on heartache.  Thank you so so much for all the blessings.  Since each is from you, you probably don't need to read on (it may get overly emotional, snarky and/or boring) but for everyone else who reads my blog...

Obviously, I'm so very grateful for my son.  Jack.  The Jackalope.  Or mostly, this year, Jack-Avery-Decker-Answer-Me-Right-Now!!  Thank you for giving me the strength and humility to keep from losing my mind as my son discovered independence, attitude and the power of ignoring me.  It's taught me so much!!  Thank you, mostly, for his sense of humor, cute faces, and his loving nature.  He truly adds something special to everyone's lives.

Second on my list of gratitudes has to be my husband, Wayne.  I am thankful to have found a man who understands me.  Who I can honestly say is my best friend.  He is there for me all the time, without a doubt.  He's funny, smart, sexy, stronger than anyone I know, and just a great guy, all around.  Of course, I am MOST thankful for when he teaches me to recognize my own moods - like when he points out that I'm cranky, or nagging, or ditzy.  It's amazing how much I learn from him.  Not to mention the fact that he shares his hard earned money with me.  And his TV!  What a generous, loving soul!

Ah, my extended family.  Riann, Dana, Mike, Rachael... the siblings who taught me that I am not a morning person, that I am truly the most emotional one of the bunch, and that I am the slowest in a race. My many parents... my new stepsisters... my in-laws... They all know (or I hope they do) how much they really mean to me!!

Then, there are my friends.  The friends I get silly with, get drunk with, cry with, laugh with, test boundaries with, fight with, make up with, go out with, stay in with... Who've taught me how to stand up for myself, laugh at myself, believe in myself, and BE myself.  My friends who love me unconditionally, who are there for me, who truly know me, who ignore me, who apologize for ignoring me (ha!  You know who you are!), who have their own complicated, beautiful lives that they let me share in.

Lastly, besides of course being thankful for all my material possessions (clothes, car, house, furniture, and all the bills, paperwork and randomness that clutter that furniture), I am thankful for ME.   That's right.  I said it out loud.  (Or on paper... um... computer?  Idk!)  I am thankful for the muscles that help me cart around a 4 year old.  For the brains that help me figure out the bills and our schedules.  For the creativity that helped me to find the outlet of making jewelry.  I'm thankful for the words that come easily to me, for my love of reading and my love of cooking.  I'm thankful for all the things that make my friends and family and husband and son love me enough to stand me when I'm being a little bit neurotic and crazy.  But I think most of all, I am thankful for my heart.  Because as much as it can hurt, it can love so much more.   So, thanks, Universe for giving me this great big loving heart.

Love always,
Jen

Uh oh!!

I fear, truly fear, I may be morphing into one of those annoyingly happy people.  You know... you don't want to admit it but you know who I'm talking about.  The people who are happy so much and so often and so brightly that you think, "Ha!  No way she acts like that all the time!  I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she really loses it."  Don't lie!!  You know you've done it!!
And lately, even when people are rude or hurtful or things are stressing me out, I can still find my way back to this joyous, grateful, heart-full feeling of pure LOVE.  Granted, it's only been going on for a few days and I still have my snarky little jokes but overall, I just feel... bursting with happiness and love.  Nothing's keeping me down for long and it is the BEST freaking feeling!!!  I find myself smiling at nothing.  Making time to stop and pet the dog when she's being annoying as hell (which, btw, works like a DREAM and she settles right down).  Being silly with Jack at the grocery store or doing laundry or making dinner.  Cheesily, annoyingly, I'm stopping to smell the roses and just enjoy my life. 

Oh what a difference...

So, the last blog I wrote... or vomited onto the page... was filled with so much anger and stress and negative emotion.  I just reread it and physically can remember the emotion.  It was horrible.  I'm beginning to feel headachy just from reading it.
Since then, I've started a therapy of sorts.  And it's changing me.  It's helping me to discover who I truly am, who I want to be, and how to blend the two.  For one, I've stopped (or nearly stopped - breaking old habits is HARD) beating myself up about every little thing.  I've stopped stressing about things that are not a priority for me.  And I've - finally - decided that I am a priority.  I am number one.  (Anyone else hear the Nelly song now?  LOL) And since I've decided that, to quote a smart lady, my world doesn't exist without ME... the funniest thing has happened.  I'm enjoying being with other people more.  And I think they enjoy me more.  Because I'm happy and I'm not bogged down with all this negative internal stuff - worrying about how to be a good friend, good mom, good wife.  Because I already AM all of those things when I let myself just BE. 
I still get upset.  I'm not suddenly the Dalai freaking Lama.  I'm not perfect but I am enjoying my imperfections a lot more and accepting me for being me.  Which is what I want my friends and family to do - so why not set an example, right?   I'm not done.  I have plenty of work to do.  But I've made huge leaps and bounds into being happier.  Which is what we all want, right?  To just be and to be happy and to be loved and loving. 
Oh - and a bonus benefit?  I'm losing weight.  Which is what I started the whole therapy thing for anyhow.  LOL

Miserably, inconsolably, terrifyingly BITCHY

That's me, today. Every single negative emotion, thought, and fear have snuck into my heart and throat. Where I am just barely able to rein it in enough to be a passable mom, rather than the screaming, irrational banshee I am on the inside. I want to cry and throw things and yell and hit. I want to be a toddler, apparently. Because toddlers don't know how to identify or deal with their stress and emotions so they throw themselves to the floor to scream, kick, hit and cry their feelings out.
I was about to say that I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I honestly do have some inkling. I'm stressed about various relationships and haven't dealt with it because, frankly, I haven't got a clue where to begin. I'm feeling guilty for not addressing things head on and for letting people down, but at the same time feeling let down myself. And, oh the negative, soul-wrenching things I'm saying to myself!! I'm not a good friend, I'm not a good sister, I'm a horrible mom, I'm a terrible wife. I'm lazy and negative and whiny and crabby and rude and distracted and cowardly and weak.
My heart literally hurts and my throat is clogged with emotion trying to get out. I don't know if I want to cry or sleep or yell or meditate. I guess this is kind of an emotional purge, in a way. Writing all these things and letting the crazy out for the world to see. But I'm still choking on something and I'm not sure what might come out.

Pantry Raid

Katie over at Cleared for Takeoff is asking all of us to participate in sharing pics of our pantries - be they clean, messy, huge or nonexistent (as is mine)...

First up is the "bread basket" we keep on the counter. You can also see the new tiered veggie holder we got from Target to hold all of our goodies from Bountiful Baskets! (As well as some leftover birthday paraphernalia.)


And here is the outside of the cabinet next to my stove. The blue tape holds up recipes because the counter space is so limited. I want to paint the centers with chalkboard paint so I can jot things down AND it'll be magnetized. Because blue tape? Just doesn't do it for me, aesthetically. :)


Then, the inside of the cabinet. It's basically anything I'd need for cooking - canned goods, pasta, sauces, broth, and random other things... Including a conversion chart taped to the inside of the cabinet. (BTW - croutons?! Good for salads and AWESOME for snacking. Just sayin.)


Cabinet over the stove, with the lovely vent piping, holds oils, vinegars, and some extra flour and Bisquick. I'm not sure why. I think my husband may have put things away that day.


To the left of that disaster is the "spice and baking cabinet." It is overrun, completely disorganized and impossible to find anything - if you're not me. I pretty much know where it all is.


Then comes the sauce/spice mixes (in the blue basket), random packaged dessert mixes, measuring cups, juicer and other strangely grouped items. This cupboard is CRAZY weird, as it goes way right to the wall but you can't really put stuff in that space because it's too hard to get to...


We keep the cereals, chips, and cookies in this blank counter space next to the fridge. It's not the best place because it gets super messy but it DOES make those 6 a.m. "I'm hungry's" much easier to deal with. Four year olds? LOVE to eat cereal out of the box/tupperware if they can reach it themselves. :)


The Snack Cabinet. A low cabinet where we store snacks Jack is allowed to get for himself. We used to lock it but he's gotten so used to having to ask, it's no longer an issue. Plus, if he does decide to OD on snacks, I doubt Goldfish and the like will hurt too much.



Overflow... I commandeered a shelf in the storage/tool/laundry area off the kitchen so I can buy more than one of each item. (Especially certain canned things, pasta, rice, etc. or things on sale.)


So, that's our "pantry." I've been looking at all the others linked on Katie's blog and am SUPER jealous of anyone who has a real live pantry. Especially a walk-in. It's on the list of necessary items for our next home.

And just because I love our new fruit bowl (that matches the veggie thing)...


Now go take pics - don't clean up - and post your pantries!!

And to lighten things up a bit...

Yesterday's blog was so cringe-worthy in it's nasty bitter aftertaste that I thought I'd try to counter it with something nicer. I'd hate for newcomers to believe that is me!! Plus, I kinda flipped through the last few blogs and noticed a TON of negativity. Boo!!
I've been doing a lot of thinking about religion and spirituality lately. We've been attending church - a church where I have some awesome friends and have met some really nice people. I'm still pretty undecided about church and religion as a whole but that's for another blog, another day. What I will say is that I definitely believe that what you put out into the universe or give up to God or however you want to say it... it comes back. I'll not claim to have dealt with the very worst this life can deal out but I have had moments wherein I questioned what the hell I could have done to deserve the misery I was experiencing.
Now is not one of those times. Nothing is perfect - never could be. But I am just so grateful right now to have my boys, my friends, my life. Wayne's job scare is over and he is LOVING the new job. Plus, the health insurance fiasco got all straightened out and we no longer have that worry. We have a lovely house, food in the fridge, friends and family who love us... We really have very little to be worried or stressed about and THAT in itself is a huge blessing. So, this is me, kinda putting it out there - that we're thankful for everything. Even watermelon and fruit snacks.

TMI... Tuesday?

Okay, so LiLu over at LivitLuvit did her TMI Thursdays but I so couldn't wait two more days. And mine's really not funny like hers are. (Seriously, hI-lar-ious! Check it out. I'll wait. Or maybe you should go after you read my bitchfest - to keep you from slipping into a deep, dark place of melancholy and/or rage.)
If you hate reading about PMS, this post is not for you. There's very little gore but a lot of emotional bullshit and drama, so that's your warning. And if you dare to read on and then decide to blast me for being honest, well, I won't post your nasty little comments because I warned you to begin with and you shoulda heeded said warning so back.the.hell.off.already.
Can you tell where this is going? Really? Because I'm pretty sure most people think of me as funny and nice. (I hope, anyway.) Maybe a little bit complain-y or whiny but mostly nice and fun. (That does not apply to ex-boyfriends, people who've seriously screwed me over or my family. Not that my family belongs in the same category but because I love them, they've seen me at my worst.)
Lately, it's all I can do to keep the bitchy comments and snappish attitude under control. I seriously want to punch someone in the face. Why? Who the hell knows? Things are going really well for us so all I can think is... HORMONES. Damn things screw me every freaking month, but lately? It's outta control, dude. It feels like an exorcism needs to take place. Not only have I been cranky and on the verge of physically assaulting total strangers, but I have had heartburn for what feels like weeks. (But has only been a few days.) I haven't been sleeping. My back hurts. I don't feel like cooking or cleaning or doing anything. I don't even want to shower. Seriously. This freaking SUCKS. And, on top of it all, I'm beating myself up about being cranky, tired, heartburny, sore and generally a miserable pain in the ass to be around. Vicious cycle. Funnily enough, I know that I'll wake up in a few days (or a week) and be back to my normal self and wonder why I ever thought I was losing it. Until it starts all over again next month...

Staying home

I have like, literally 15 minutes until I'm supposed to pick up Jack from school but just saw a friend's post and another friend's comment on Facebook regarding friend A's dilemma about returning to work. I began to comment and then realized I would take up WAY too much space and time on her Facebook, offering my opinions - which she and her other friends/family may or may not care about.
So I decided to post it here where I know you all care immensely about what goes on in my brain.
My friend has three beautiful children and has been on a leave of absence from work and is deciding if she should return or continue to stay home. Our other friend's response was something to the effect of "being a working mom is good for my brain but I miss my kids." (Hers was much more eloquent and I hope she'll forgive me but I AM a bit rushed at the moment.) All of which got me thinking about the stay-at-home mom vs the working mom. While there are still some women who have made definite choices and believe theirs is the one and only correct way, I believe (hope) most of us have come to realize that everyone does what is best for herself and none of us can judge. Personally, I don't believe I could handle the working mom lifestyle. Aside from the emotional aspect of it - and we all know just how emotional I am! - there is the flat out exhaustion! I can barely keep my house clean while not working. I could only begin to imagine the horridness that would occur should I return to work at this stage in our lives. (Think Hoarders: Buried Alive.) I have untold amounts of respect and awe for my friends who do it all - work, take care of not one but two or more small children, do the housework, laundry, cooking and shopping. Plus, paying bills, keeping the social/family calendar updated and filled... it's exhausting to just think about!!
On the flip side, I am a bit envious, at times. I love my kid. In ways I never thought imaginable. But I find myself bogged down in the daily life struggles of discipline, potty-training, behavior, teaching, discipline, discipline, discipline. Especially in this particular phase of smart-mouthed, defiant attitude. I begin to wonder if I had a break from him - if I missed him during the day while I was at work or he was at school or whatever - if I would appreciate him more. And enjoy him more. Which makes me a little sad that I feel I need time away from him in order to enjoy the present with him. And that is definitely something I need to work on. Being present in the present.
But it just got me thinking... And maybe I'm a horrible mom for admitting it and you'll all turn on me now, but it is what it is. As they say: at least I'm honest!

Aarrggghhhh

So... it's 11:11 p.m. Really. And I'm sitting in my living room, exhausted, alone, with no real desire to go to sleep. Why? Who the hell knows?!?! Do I have the kind of lifestyle that can support staying up late? Not so much. Do I have a shit-ton of things to do tomorrow? And the next day? And the next? Thereby, demanding that I get a minimum of 8 hours sleep? Why, yes! Yes, I fucking do. But can I sleep? Oh heeeeellllll no.
I go through these random stages of not sleeping. And it always seems to happen when I really could use the extra zz's. Like, when my house is so horribly messy that I couldn't POSSIBLY have anyone over, much less let the UPS or Domino's guy see inside. And do I do anything about the mess? Not really. I mean, today, I like TOTALLY cleaned out my fridge and it looks gorgeous. Well, as fridges go. But that was, hmmm, 16 hours ago? And since then I've done?? Oh yeah - one load of laundry because my shorts had been worn so many times, they were falling off of me. And Wayne had no pants to wear to work tomorrow. Oh yeah. I also cooked dinner and did the dishes after. Which sounds incredibly pathetic.
Now why haven't I cleaned up the mess or done the laundry or any of the other things I should have done? Because, damnit, I haven't slept in days. I mean, I've slept. I just haven't slept enough. And I don't do well on little to no sleep. I used to. Then I had a kid and got old. And it sucks.
So, on the list of things that I should have done by now and haven't:

1. Made earrings for my mother
2. Sent Rachael's birthday card/present to her (her birthday is Sunday and she lives in VA - soooo not gonna get there on time! Sorry, Rach!)
3. Picked up all the randomness scattered about the house
4. Folded the clean towels I washed... ummm... Monday?
5. Changed the sheets on my bed
6. Vacuumed
7. Fixed my jeans with the super cute fabric I bought months ago
8. Started writing my book (HA!)
9. Filing
10. Organizing
11. Cleaning
12. Exercise
    
13. Found new health insurance
    
14. Blah
15. Blah

Just thought 15 would be a nice number. Anywho... Yeah. So, no sleep for me. I'm bored. And tired. Guess I'll go lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Because this isn't helping - it's just making me disgusted with myself and probably bumming y'all out. (All 12 of you. Yay!)

New job, baby making on hold, and insurance companies SUCK

Wayne got a new job!!! Woo hoo!!! The same day his current employer told him they couldn't retain him past September 15th (his birthday, btw), he accepted a new position with another company here in Sierra Vista. He won't be teaching anymore, but I think he'll really enjoy the new position. The upside is it's a raise. The downside is that if we opt to use their insurance, it's actually a decrease in pay from what we make now. Seriously. Their insurance is just that expensive.
So we decided to look into private insurance. Which we can get for around $400, as long as we don't want prenatal, postnatal or maternity coverage. Because that would be an additional $400. Grrrr. This prompted an all out freak out by me on Saturday - I'm nearly 34 years old. Jack is nearly 4. I wanted to have another one last year. Now we have to put it off indefinitely... which in my brain computed to never. Because I have it in my head at 35, I'll be done. I don't know if that's because I believe I won't medically be able to have more kids at that age, or because I think I'll be too old. Then there's the whole age difference thing with Jack and a sibling. I wanted him to be close to his brother or sister and don't know how close they can be if they're 6 or 7 years apart. I mean, my brother and I aren't really close - we love each other, sure - but we're nearly 7 years apart and never got close like my sisters and I did. (We're 18 months and 3 1/2 years apart.) I also think that the further away from baby stages we get with Jack, the less we want to go back to the land of sleep deprivation, breast feeding and constant diaper changes.
We've decided to wait, as of now. Because what else can we do? Never know what might change in the blink of an eye... obviously. Haha

Book teaser

Got the inspiration from the Ex-Hot Girl.

Rules:
* Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
* Turn to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post that sentence (plus one or two others if you like) along with these instructions on your blog or (if you do not have your own blog) in the comments section of this blog.
*Post a link along with your post back to this blog.


Sizzling Sixteen, by Janet Evanovich
I'd sent Ranger home early the night before, deciding I wasn't ready to get that lucky. A night with Ranger was tempting, but the cost would be high.

Speaking of crazy busy...

Holy Blackberry Calendar, Batman!! I said I was busy and then I got busier!

• Started babysitting sweet little Jude. He is 2 months old, and just barely bigger than Jack was at birth!! He is adorable and I've loved him since I laid eyes on him at the hospital. However, I seem to have blocked out just how much work 2 month old babies are!! I am flat out exhausted by the end of each day. I love having him and wouldn't change it for the world. I have been given pause, however, regarding our own attempts at baby number two. Jack is old enough now to do a lot on his own. He gets his own snacks, goes to the bathroom by himself, entertains himself... Sometimes, he even does what I tell him to! Having another baby would mean lots of sleepless nights and many many diaper changes. Funnily enough, seeing Jude when he gets home from work has now flipped Wayne's view on the subject and he now would love to have a baby! Hahahahahaha!! I'll be watching Jude until the end of next week - otherwise, the school his mommy picked out will give away his spot. And since Wayne and I have no idea what our future holds, I don't want her to lose that.
  
• Took Jack to the dentist for the first time today. On the way there, he was soooo excited. We walked inside and he freaked out and said, "MOM! I'm scared! They're... strangers!" OMG! Seriously? Ugh! So we get into the back, he gets into the chair and the assistant who walked us back shows him all the stuff they'll be using. Then she leaves and the hygienist comes in, mask and all. Which starts the freak out all over again. We end up with me in the chair and him laying on top of me, head on my chest. After that, he did pretty darn well! He got his teeth cleaned and flossed, then the dentist came in. Jack was NOT a fan. The doctor tried to pry his mouth open... uhhh? Hello? Not so much a favored technique amongst children. Finally, I sweet talked Jack into opening up. Then, he did the panoramic x-rays and looked SO FREAKING CUTE standing there. Such a big boy. The hygienist told us to floss more often but he's got no cavities! And I got a good look at his 6 year molars forming in his x-rays. So cool!
  
• Speaking of big. The child has once again outgrown all his freaking clothes. He's now in a size 12 shoe. TWELVE!!! That's insane. I think his fall clothes will all be 5T's. He already could use a new hoodie because with all the rain the temperatures are all over the place.
  
• Wayne and I are doing well. Between babysitting and Mary Kay and playdates, I seriously haven't had the energy to do a lot around the house and Wayne has been really awesome. Helping me cook and do laundry and cleaning the kitchen. He's super stressed about the job sitch - his company has yet to release the names of the people who will be staying on in September. So he's just applying for anything and everything. His big "joke" is that he'll go work at Lowe's. Since he has all that experience in the paint department of Home Depot in Plano, Texas. Unfortunately, there are no FedEx Office corporate offices for me to work at! (Or I guess, it'd be Staples, right?)
• Speaking of Wayne... I guess I've been planning him to death lately. So next weekend, we're "doing nothing until we get bored and then we'll do something spontaneous." Hahahahaha!!! Actually sounds awesome!
• This weekend, though, I am heading to Tucson to celebrate Britt's 18th birthday with her and my bffl, Erin! (Also known as Britt's mom.) She is gonna shop til we drop. Also planning on lunch at The Cheesecake Factory and dinner at Red Lobster. Or vice versa. Then, we're staying in a hotel. More to come later!!!

So that's my life lately. Throw in a little cooking, a little jewelry making, some great friends and a whole lotta almost 4 year old attitude, and you've got the whole picture!

Lull

So, you know how you'll be crazy busy for weeks on end, thinking to yourself, "Ugh! I just need a day off to relax and be in my jammies and watch crappy movies!"?? But then, what inevitably follows that day is a seemingly endless lack of stuff to do. Suddenly, all those friends you had to cram into your schedule are busy with other things and you find yourself bored to tears, day after day after day. You welcome the change - or convince yourself to - for a bit. Tell yourself it's good to take a break and just be. You can work on those projects you've been neglecting. Clip coupons. Read the paper. Catch up on your 100+ Netflix movies... But then... as the days go by... you suddenly find yourself wondering what happened to your social life. Did your friends forget about you? Did you unknowingly commit a social faux pas that is preventing you from being included? Or is that just paranoia and cabin fever?
And when your life gets crazy busy again and you feel like you barely have time to breathe (much less get the housework done, cook dinners, have alone time with the hubby...), you don't want to take a day off because that would just mean the lull is coming again. You try to juggle all your friends and obligations. Keep everyone happy. It feels SO GOOD to be wanted, right? To have your friends literally jealous of time you spend with another.
Is that just me? Am I completely ego-driven to have said that out loud?
Anywho, I am DEFINITELY not in a lull these days. I have been going nonstop for what feels like forever. I took one day last week to lay around in my pj's but it really didn't feel too lazy because I still had Jack and dinner and other mom/wife stuff going on. And I am not, by any means, complaining about keeping busy. I love that I have so many friends that I had to get a Blackberry to keep track of my schedule. I love hanging out with everyone. But, as Wayne not so nicely pointed out to me - I don't always have to go to everything and go everywhere, everyday. (Of course, he meant it in a "You could stay home and clean this damn house, woman" kinda way, but he has a point.) I do feel a bit overwhelmed when someone asks me to do something and I have to look at my calendar for two weeks from now to find a free day. And if it's a Mary Kay thing, then I get a little panicky because I should be focusing on building my business yet I find many of my days filled with playdates or breakfast dates or lunch dates or movie dates or shopping dates. And I just love it. I don't know when I became the girl who never stays home... who, even on the weekends, when I'm supposed to be lazying with my boys, wants to figure out something to do. Who drags her husband and son to Target just to be out of the house.
Anywho... sorry to my friends that I haven't seen very often lately!! I'm averaging about once every two weeks for most of you. Seriously. It's a busy busy time. But don't worry - I will make time to see you. I promise. Just text/call me and we'll set something up... 2 or 3 weeks from now. ;)

Nutrition nazi?

Okay. Obvi I am not the healthiest person on the planet. (Oh, how I wish!) But I do have certain standards for feeding my family that I make every attempt to follow. The biggest one is avoiding as much processed, yucky, chemical-y gunk as possible. To the point that even Jack will ask me, "Mommy? Does this applesauce have chemicals in it?" before he puts it in the cart. Yes, really. Because if I can, I'd rather we all eat less chemicals and more actual food. We are Americans, who like to eat, and can't always afford to buy organic, fresh stuff, so we do eat junk, as well. I'm definitely not going to lie and say we're perfect - just look at me. It's obvious that I don't eat purely healthy foods. LOL
But!! What got me going today is Jack's preschool. Now, when we signed him up, they gave us a sample menu, and told me that for his birthday, they don't allow cakes, cupcakes, cookies, etc. They have alternative healthful treats that I can bring in, if I want. The assistant director was eager to tell me how they serve healthy meals and snacks. Milk with every meal, no juice.
And today, as I'm leaving, I see them setting up the breakfast cart. With SunnyD. Ummm... Now, I've always thought the stuff was gross. A weird, syrupy texture along with a strange tart sweet flavor that doesn't really mimic good ol' OJ. But then I thought, "Well... if you're going to give my kid anything other than water or milk, shouldn't it be 100% juice?" I kept going, figuring maybe they'd changed the formula for SunnyD and I'd look it up when I got home. Which, I did. And... they didn't. It's got tons of Vitamin C, sure!! But it's made up of the following ingredients:

CONTAINS: WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP AND 2% OR LESS OF EACH OF THE FOLLOWING: CONCENTRATED JUICES (ORANGE TANGERINE, APPLE, LIME, GRAPEFRUIT), CITRIC ACID, ASCORBIC ACID (VITAMIN C), THIAMIN HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B1), NATURAL FLAVORS, MODIFIED CORNSTARCH, CANOLA OIL, SODIUM CITRATE, CELLULOSE GUM, ACESULFAME POTASSIUM, NEOTAME, SODIUM HEXAMETPHATE, POTASSIUM SORBATE AND SODIUM BENZOATE TO PROTECT FLAVOR, YELLOW #5, YELLOW #6.

Now, there are so many things wrong with that. First of all, the first two ingredients are water and high fructose corn syrup. Not even sugar. A chemical sugar. Why? Why must everything be so overprocessed and science-y and chemical-y? Ugh!! And oil?! You need oil to make this beverage? My kid is drinking oil. Seriously. Ew. I just... I can't... Ugh!!! So freaking gross. What's wrong with just plain ol':

CONTAINS: JUICE FROM ORANGES

And here is where I start overthinking it. Is it reasonable for me to ask the school to refrain from serving this to my child? (Not to mention how it violates their advertisement of only serving healthy foods.) Or is it one of those things that isn't worth the fight? I mean, it's not as if the kid doesn't ever have processed food. Or high fructose corn syrup. More that I prefer him to have real, fresh options when available. Am I going to be able to stop him from ever having chocolate popsicles? No. But why give him SunnyD when he can have real orange juice? (BTW - while I'm sure they do make chocolate popsicles from fresh ingredients, it is extremely hard to find - I've looked.) It's one of those mom things that we struggle with: What is the best thing for my child? Am I being a good mom or an overprotective weirdo? So... I'll probably ask the teacher how often they have SunnyD or anything besides milk. If it's occasional, I'll let it go. What do y'all think?

Marissa made me think...

My first big Mary Kay skin care class is today. And when I say big, I mean BIG. Fourteen clients. Whew! That's pretty intimidating my first time out. I emailed a FB friend last night, in the throes of panic, to say, "How the hell do you do what you do, considering I'm going to do what I'm going to do, and when you do what you do, you do something so much more intimate (and to me, embarrassing)?" Which, if you didn't follow that convoluted, grammatically incorrect question, was forefront in my mind because Marissa is a Passion Parties consultant. She goes to people's homes, shows them all the latest and greatest sex toys, lubes and the like, and she has so. much. fun. doing it!! I am nervous to the point of stomach upset, shaking hands, and wobbly voice over demo'ing skin care products! And not just any old products. Products that I know, use, and love! How hard is THAT?!
Not hard at all, you say. Well, sure! If you don't have an inner core of shyness that you have to combat at every turn. Which, upon reading Marissa's amazingly supportive and upbeat reply to my panic filled email, I remembered something: part of the reason I'm doing this whole MK gig is to help FIGHT THAT FEAR. I refuse to be a victim to my own low self-esteem. (Or anymore of a victim than I already am.) And if one of the symptoms is fear of public speaking or too much attention, then damn it, I'm going to throw myself into the middle of the arena and squeak, "Hi, there. It's me. I'm worth the attention," before running away. (Were you expecting "I am woman, hear me roar!"? Because I save that kind of confidence for arguing with the hubby. LOL) Baby steps, people. And, like Marissa pointed out, I will grow so much from this experience. So now I'm off to grow. Wish me luck!!

As promised...

Before I get into the anxiety attack, let me pat myself on the back for now having ten followers! Woo hoo!! That's more than double the amount I ever hoped to have. Ha ha!!

Now, I know all ten of you have anxiously awaited my delve into the anxiety that plagued me the first week after I found out we might be moving back to Texas. I need to clarify, though. It's not at all that I don't want to once again be a Texan (although, does one ever really stop being a Texan?). I long to belong to a state that lays claim to amazing beef, where home grown produce abounds, where the grass is green (or more so than Arizona!), the thunderstorms are rowdy, loud and proud, just like the Mavs fans!! Beyond and above the state itself, there is family. To have two of my sisters be close enough to play a much bigger role in Jack's life; to be close enough for Wayne's family to meet us for a day of shopping in Austin... having at least part of our family just close enough to be a part of our lives is a dream we've dreamt since moving to this desert-land.
However, there are complexities to this decision that many of you (and many who never read this) just don't understand. Hell, some of them even Wayne doesn't understand. While none of my fears will stop us from moving - I tend to make the effort to face my social anxieties so I don't become some crazy shut-in - I still have them and they made that first week pretty emotional.
A little background: We moved to Arizona when Jack was just shy of two months. My recovery from his birth was more physically painful than I'd expected and I still had some issues. Then there was the postpartum depression. Not super severe but definitely not helpful when I was suddenly a stay-at-home mom with no vehicle in a town where I knew no one. Given my love of all things flowery, green and lush, moving to Sierra Vista in late October was a culture shock. To my eyes, everything was dead, scrubby and ugly as hell. Depression settled over me like a dark cloak, obscuring all the good things about my life. There was one exception: Jack. No matter how depressed I was, I made every effort to be a good mother. I forced myself off the couch to play with him on the floor. To feed him and bathe him and clothe him. To talk to him incessantly, as the baby books suggested, so he would have a good vocabulary. I did not allow myself to wallow in my dark moods to the point that I was sequestered in my room, alone. I did, truthfully, watch the clock for when Wayne would be home to help take some of the pressure off me. And, bluntly, I did allow the depression to drive a wedge between my husband and I. We argued endlessly over ridiculous things that I can't even recall now.
Eventually, I came out of it. I'd already begun to heal when Wayne went to Iraq and I believe the time alone, while it could have gone either way, truly helped me face my issues and come out better and stronger. I had a LOT of time to think about what went wrong with me. And I had a good, wise friend with whom to talk it all out. (Boy, did we EVER talk!! We can literally talk for hours. Til 5 in the morning!!)
The more I came out of my depression and remembered who I am, the more friends I made. It took time, believe me. I joined a moms group but really didn't make a lot of friends from that because I was still pretty reserved. After a while, I did make some friends... and then more friends... and now I can barely fit them all into our busy schedule. Which, being me again, I love. Seriously. If you've read my blog before, you may have noticed that I love to be the hostess.
So now, here we are, with all our friends... Jack is in preschool. Wayne just started college classes. I just started my Mary Kay business. (Which I should be preparing for my first skin care class right now, but... I'll get to it.) We have a summer full of plans. Jack has his "brothers" or "best friends" Jay and Corgan. We've been going to church. The house is getting more and more to the point we think it should be - although the bathrooms still need updating, the landscaping could use some work and the exterior should be painted. My point is, we have a life that we've just settled into and are pretty darn happy about. Is there work to be done? Of course - we could be neater, pick up after ourselves more, stop eating out so much, spend less/save more money. But we have a good life here in Arizona. With great friends and a cute house.
When Wayne called and told me about the possibility of moving to Texas, my first and oh so unexpected response was FEAR. Very unusual for a girl who has moved 14 times in her 33 years. Granted, many of them were due to growing up Navy. But many of them were after I was out of the house, on my own. And while I had the normal amount of trepidation: where will I work/live/etc; I was always excited to move somewhere new. Meet new people, experience new things. I love how many experiences I've had living in all the different places. I love that I have friends - albeit ones I rarely see - all over the country. There are people that stand out in my mind for having added something valuable to my life and I never would have met them had I not moved so much. And as much of a control freak as I am, I truly do try to just go with the flow. If I can't control it, I may as well let go and let it happen.
The pure, undiluted panic that raced through me was foreign and scary in itself. I began questioning my reaction immediately. Was this about my friends? Of course, I love them. But I've never been so immersed in friends that I didn't accept change and adventure. Was this because of the house? Which will be a challenge to sell, no matter what anyone says. Was this a natural reaction because I'm a parent now? But then, Jack is 3. He'll adapt. I always did.
I really think it's fear of revisiting the past. My initial reaction (which I've gotten over, if you can't tell) was a direct result of the very difficult first year of living here. I have no desire to return to that version of me. After thinking it through, and talking about it incessantly with my sister and friends, I've moved past the fear. And now... we wait. To see if he'll even be offered the job. But at least I know where I am, emotionally, mentally. I panicked, and then I worked through it. Which is a vast improvement over the me from three years ago. And that makes me very very happy.

Husband Hunters aka WhoreFaces

Okay, I know I said my next blog would explain my panic re: possibly moving to my beloved, adopted homestate of Texas, but my internet scouring sister found this article and I just HAD to write about it (because what I have to say about it wouldn't fit into a FB post):

Beware the Husband Hunter

It's unfortunately, infuriatingly very very true. Since I've gotten married I've witnessed more than my fair share of women who scandalously, shamelessly chase after married men. And what the hell? I mean, I know it's rough out there for single girls. But it feels like something more, and something infinitely less scary, than these chicks (aka WhoreFaces) digging my cute, funny, smart husband. It seems... predatory and competitive. Like, "hey, guess what? I know he's happily married to you and y'all have this awesome kid and seem to get along really well and have fun, but watch this! I bet I can get him to flirt with me. To hug me. I wonder, really, just how far I can take this."
Why is that less scary, you ask? Because if they were truly in love with him and wanting him for healthy, sane reasons, that scares me more than some idiot bimbo drawing hearts on his paperwork or inappropriately hugging him at every turn. And seriously? Am I truly threatened by WhoreFace shouting she "hearts" him right in front of me, my bff and our children? Ummm. No. Because she's stupid. And one of the things my husband absolutely does NOT like is stupidity.
But aside from my own personal grievances with the sheer inappropriateness of her behavior (however stupid and pitiful), there's the bigger picture. What is wrong with women like this? Did their mothers not teach them it's inexcusable, not to mention downright disgusting, to poach another woman's husband? Has the term "home wrecker" taken on a new, cool meaning I'm unaware of? Like phat or sick?
I'm extremely lucky to be married to someone secure enough in himself to not be swayed by the pathetic attempts of these emotionally scarred girls. He sees through them - sometimes without even seeing them at all. So, though the behavior itself annoys and irritates me, I don't feel it necessary to confront the WhoreFaces. They are not worthy of my time or attention, and I certainly do NOT need to feed their pathetic bids for attention. I am offended by the inappropriateness of their behavior but mostly feel sorry for them. I hope they find a better, healthier way to boost their self-esteem.

Changes

I'm sitting on my couch in my pretty, comfy little living room... the front door is wide open to the sunshiny, breezy weather outside. I can see my "Spring" wreath and the ribbons on it fluttering in the breeze. The mesquite tree in the front yard is full of pretty green leaves. The birds are singing away. Jack is playing nicely in his playroom.
It should be a moment of total peace and happiness. But all I want to do is cry because it's very likely we'll be leaving this place in just a few months. (Weeks for Wayne.) I'm not sure if it's the thought of how much hard, hard work is ahead - packing up the house, cleaning up the yard, making the house "show ready" - and keeping it that way. Maybe it's the thought of starting all over in a new town - making new friends, finding new playmates for Jack, finding a house, getting a new routine. But the part that makes my throat tighten and my eyes fill up is thinking about leaving my friends. Which, when said out loud (or typed), feels a bit juvenile. However, the truth is the truth. And I've been in this very situation so many times before. Moving away, making promises to stay friends... saying how it's so easy these days - phone calls, Facebook, emails... it'll all ensure our friendship stays the same, right? But it won't. It never does. You lose touch, you get busy, you move on with your life and as much as you try to keep in touch, it's never quite the same because everyone changes with time and even the smallest change can impact the way you interact with one another, the way your friendship works. Not that I'm giving up - I never give up on my friends.
I'm sad about leaving my Erin. We met when she came out to visit her husband last year - he'd moved here to start a new job while she stayed back in Arkansas to sell their house. (Sound familiar?) When we left his little BBQ, I told Wayne, "I really liked Erin. I'm not sure but I think we could be good friends." I'd been in this little self-imposed shell for a long time. Depressed and disinterested in really making any friends. Not myself at all. But Erin moved here and we had a little gathering to welcome her and her kids to this mountainous desert-land. It was the beginning of my dive back into the world of socializing. I remembered who I was and what I love - having lots of friends around, throwing parties, being a social butterfly. We did that instant click thing when she moved here for good - that feeling of "hey - I know you. You're my friend." Having Erin as my friend helped me regain myself and encouraged me to get more active in the playgroup I'd joined for Jack. Suddenly, the moms who'd seemed distant and disinterested were speaking to me more. I was hosting parties at my house and making friends with all kinds of different people. Some of them I'd met before, but being in my insular little depressed bubble, I'm positive I'd given them no reason to be friends with me. I'm sure I seemed distant and disinterested - more so than I viewed those moms to be in the playgroup.
I think I've laughed more in the last year with Erin... done more... been more... than in the first two years I lived here. She's not only inspired me to get back out there but also to keep my house cleaner, my budget tighter, and my creativity sparkier. (I know, but I had to do an "er" word!) I've made jewelry and wreaths and cooked/baked things like never before. I know it's not ALL the miracle of Erin Layne - but it's because I'm happy and fulfilled and inspired. A big part of that is having a friend who understands how I feel before I finish my sentence. Who just GETS me. It's awesome and, well, makes my heart happy. LOL. Leaving Erin is going to feel like losing part of me. I only hope she'll take my phone calls and not be too mad at me when I move - because I'll definitely need her!!!
I'm sad to leave my friend Kelli. When Wayne left for Iraq just before Christmas of 2007, I decided to spend three weeks in Dallas, at my mom's house. Since the house was going to be empty for so long, I thought it prudent to let a neighbor know. We'd briefly met the across the street neighbors at our housewarming party earlier that year. I waited for Jack to go to sleep, then threw on my shoes, grabbed the monitor and ran across the street. I think we ended up talking for an hour and a half. I almost got frostbite on my sockless toes. Haha! We spent the entire next year freezing our butts off every night, talking for hours at a time, after Jack had gone to sleep... sitting in my carport. I honestly think she knows more about me (and vice versa) than Wayne!! There's something about talking into the wee hours of the morning that loosens the tongue... and even more so when you're drinking margaritas!! Our friendship was instrumental in helping me recover from the depression that began as postpartum and snowballed. The year Wayne spent in Iraq would have been intolerable had it not been for Kelli. We lost touch for a bit when our hubbies returned from Iraq and life, as it does sometimes, got crazy. We've only recently reconnected and to leave now, when we've not fully gotten back into our groove, is so very hard.
Which brings me to my next bit of heartache - missed possibilities. There are women who've just recently come into my life as friends. Women I was looking forward to getting to know better, to becoming friends with. Or better friends. It's always so sad for me to think about what may have been.
Then, there's my house. Our first house. The house where Jack learned to walk and talk. Where we had his first birthday party... and his second... and his third. Where he threw up for the first time, ate real food, learned to ride his bike, moved from swing to crib to toddler bed to full size bed. Where he peed on the floor and splashed around in it during the potty training days. Where he and Wayne have staged some mighty battles with their swords and dart guns. The house I've spent the past 3 1/2 years tweaking and decorating and fixing up and getting just right and planning other changes to make it even better. The home that has been ours - just ours - as we struggled to find our footing as a newly married couple with a tiny baby, miles and miles from our support system, our extended families.
So, that's why, even though I've been lamenting the lack of grass and humidity, moaning and groaning about how hard it is to be away from family, pining for the familiar highways and biways of Texas... all of this is why I'm sad about finally having the chance to move to Texas. Next blog? Why I'm flat-out terrified of moving to Texas.

Day two of detox diet

Day two was yesterday and I was not so very good! I got super discouraged by my mouth's complete and utter rejection of Greek yogurt. Seriously - barely able to swallow the tiny bite I had! Maybe it's an acquired taste or something, but it'll take me a while to acquire it. I'm not much of a yogurt person to begin with - will only eat Yoplait strawberry banana flavor - so I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I was also discouraged by our lack luster Tuesday night meal - the salmon was good, but the veggies were sooooo blah. Generally I love grilled veggies but after I tried to eat them, I realized we usually put a little butter on them to enhance the flavor. LOL. I ended up hungry and ate more turkey chili.
Then, the ultimate test - one which should NOT be attempted the second day of going whole foods: macaroni and cheese. I had no bread in the house (in the hopes it would keep me honest) so I had nothing to feed Jack and his friend Gabriella! Except the emergency Kraft Mac n Cheese I keep in the pantry. After eating my not so great meal of egg white scramble (with pico de gallo), I couldn't resist the leftover mac n cheese... it was just there, in the pot, calling out to me. So I caved.
Last night, we had a pretty good stir-fry: chicken, peas and carrots, mushrooms, ginger, green onions, and basil with brown rice. But we had our friends stay for dinner, so the brown rice I'd made Tuesday wasn't enough. In an effort to save time, I made Jasmine rice. And last night? After Wayne and Jack went to bed? I ate some. With butter. And salt. So yummy but soooo wrong. Oh - and my Hanson's Diet Tangerine Lime. Which is made with natural ingredients but is still a no-no. LOL
This morning, though, I woke up and decided I should weigh myself - if it was good, I'd be motivated to get back on track. If it was bad, I'd be even MORE motivated. Win-win, right?! Holy whole foods, high fiber diet, Batman!! Was it ever a WIN!!! I've lost 4.8 lbs since Monday morning. And while I've not been chowing on super bad foods, I also haven't been strictly good, so I am SUPER SURPRISED. And elated and excited and so so so happy! (Not that you can tell.) So here I go on day three!! Turkey lettuce wrap for lunch and Spicy Napa slaw with shrimp for dinner. Yummm!!!

Day one of detox diet

So, yesterday, we ate better but not strictly according to the detox diet plan. I had Fiber One Caramel Delights cereal with 1% milk - waaaay yummier than I expected, btw - for breakfast. Then Jack and I headed 30 minutes away to Benson's Super Walmart for the grocery shopping. I was hoping to save some money, since I normally do when I shop there. However, I quickly proved the "healthy eating is expensive" theory. One week's groceries cost me more than my normal two week shopping. And we really AREN'T that big on processed foods for dinners. By the time we got home, I was thoroughly discouraged and very happy we put off the diet for another day. I had no energy for making a healthy lunch and just wanted to grab something quick and yummy. For lunch, I had four cheese ravioli with basil pesto. And a Lunchable for a snack. Dinner was whole wheat linguine with pesto and shrimp. Oh - and garlic Texas Toast. Which, for some of you healthy eaters, sounds horrible but for us? That's an improvement. Until last night when I got hit with a potato chip craving and to-ho-tally caved. Luckily, there weren't many in there.
(Ugh! Just writing about them makes me want!!)
Today is the first official day of the detox. We weighed in yesterday morning and I just couldn't resist today - I lost 1.8 lbs already!! A lot of that is probably just drinking so much water and staying away from the soda yesterday. But what a motivator!!! After taking Jack to preschool, I went to Safeway for the few things they didn't have a Walmart, came home and ate some Fiber One cereal and a nectarine. (They smelled sooooo good at Safeway!) Then I got started making my turkey chili for Wayne and I to eat for lunch. I had serious doubts about this recipe. I mean, chili made from carrots, zucchini, and squash?! What?! I thought it'd be mushy and weird but let me tell you - it is FAB-U-LOUS!! And so so so pretty when you're cooking it!
You serve it with a half cup of brown rice and a quarter of an avocado and the flavors just all meld together and it's yum. The veggies are crisp tender, the turkey is flavorful and the avocado melts and cools. Mmmm.
I'm just so happy to have found out that I can totally make super healthy foods that I still love! Because the foodie in me will never be happy treating food as "a chore" or "just nourishment." Let's hope the rest of the recipes I got from Glamour are as good!!

Fat bottom

I was going to say "rock bottom" but my ass has gotten so big I thought this title was more appropriate.
I am currently at a weight higher than I've ever been. Higher than I ever thought I could be or would allow myself to be. I'm the size now that I recall telling one of my friends or sisters, "If I ever get that big, please shoot me." Well, no one's whipping out their Glocks but I gotta do SOMETHING... NOW.
I'm tired of having excuses and reasons. I'm exhausted by my own faulty reasoning. I am over it.
I've been trying, for some time now, to get us away from processed foods and eating more whole foods. The more I think about it, the more I hate the idea of ingesting all the chemicals you find in processed foods. Added to that the unnecessary sugars and salts scare me. It's definitely harder than you'd think to break the addiction to processed, refined foods. Especially, for me, the crackers, white breads, etc. As much as I do enjoy whole grains done right, it's fairly expensive to eat that way. Not to mention the time it takes to become accustomed to the flavors and textures.
This week, however, we're jump-starting our resolve to eat healthier. Of all places, I found a great plan in Glamour magazine. I just don't see how "detoxing" can be possible with the chemical solutions found at GNC or similar places. To me, detoxing is about getting rid of the chemicals in my body. So, the whole foods plan I found in Glamour works perfectly!! Lean proteins (egg whites, lean chicken and pork, fish/shellfish), tons of fruits and veggies and herbs and spices (sans salt!), low fat dairy (Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, skim milk), and limited whole grains (brown rice, oatmeal, quinoa). No breads. Cereal has to be 9g of fiber or more. Nuts, avocado, olive oil, and canola oil for fats. It's one week of this, then we can add in whole grain breads and pastas, a little more dairy and red meat. But I really feel this will help us restart our bodies and minds.
Plus, being that Jack will be at preschool two mornings per week, I am resolved to go to the gym during that time. My plan is to get up early, make breakfast for Wayne and I, drop Jack at school, then go straight to the gym for a workout (provided by my much missed and loved ex-trainer Jen E!) that includes cardio and strength training. After that, I'll come home, shower and clean until it's time to pick up the monster. The afternoons will be mine for relaxing while he naps. (Fingers crossed on that part!)
I had Wayne take Biggest Loser style pics tonight - Sports bra, stretchy pants. It's bad. Soooo bad. But it's motivation. And when I have good pics to compare it to, I'll be stoked to post them on here. But not until then! Perhaps posting the picture for the world (ahem, all 4 of you) to see would mean more accountability, but my self-esteem surely can't take that. Nor would posting the evil number. So we'll just say my current goal is losing 3 lbs by next Monday. After that, my goal is 15 lbs by the time my dad comes to visit on June 25. And Halloween this year? Totally slutty costume (after I've ditched whatever I wear to take Jack trick or treating, of course)! Now someone will have to throw a party for me to wear the slutty costume. Haha. I'm thinking a fairy slut. I've always loved fairy costumes. :D
But I get ahead of myself. Envisioning the end goal has yet to help me so far. Instead, I'll be focusing on weekly progress in weight, energy, and strength. Of course, the way my clothes fit will be a big indicator, as well. So... yeah. That's the latest. :)

And I thought I had good karma...

So the other day, I posted to FB: "This is the worst day, ever. FML." And karma got me. Here are some highlights from my day:

-Woke up at 3:00 a.m. to help Jack go potty. (That's good for him but not good for my sleeping.)
=Woke up, again, at 5:45 a.m. because Wayne was in a lot of pain and he needed his medications.
-Woke up at 8 a.m. to call the doctor's office and get a same day appointment for Wayne's back - scheduled for 11:30 a.m.
-Woke up, finally, at 9:30 a.m. Jack? Who knows what time he woke up. He didn't come in and wake me... I taught him last week how to turn on the TV so he watched some shows. Then, he got hungry. Did he wake me up then? Noooooo. He climbed onto the counter and "stole" (his word) the box of Thin Mints, then ate about 7 of them. He was covered in chocolate.
-Took a shower because my hair was pure INSANITY from going to bed with it wet.
=Fought with Jack for over 30 minutes, trying to get him to get dressed. He says he now cannot get himself dressed. That he never could.
-Got Wayne dressed. (Yes, his back is THAT bad.)
-Loaded everyone into the car, drove to the doctor, tried to keep Jack from tripping Wayne, running around and being a general nuisance. Lately, he's a complete pain in the ass - doing the exact opposite of everything he's told. Running away from me. Throwing toys around. Being super loud and bratty. (It's because of all you people out there who said how good he was all the time when he was 2. And all the moms who wished this on me because he was so good in public and they thought I bragged or whatever - well, I got mine, huh? Thanks!)
-Doctor says Wayne has a sprained or strained lower lumbar but they won't know for sure until the x-rays come back. And work? He won't be able to go back for a couple weeks, probably. (Hoping the claim for short term disability goes through quickly. And even if we get that it's only 60% pay, so we're screwed for the next month or so. If anyone wants to send me some money, now's the time!!)
-Took Wayne to the lab for x-rays. Jack? He went a little nuts in there. To the point of me having to hold him down in the chair while the medical staff stared at me. When we got to the car, he threw himself on the ground and screamed, "I just want to have fun!!" Don't we all, kid. Don't we all.
-Picked up lunch at Sonic. Can't really afford it but couldn't face coming home and trying to fight with Jack to eat anything.
-Fought with, screamed at, layed down with, spanked, cajoled, threatened and did everything I could think of to get Jack to take a nap. It didn't work... and I ended up crying because I'm a horrible mom who can't get her kid to listen and ended up screaming and raving and spanking him.
-Gave up on naptime and took Jack with me to pick up Wayne's prescription, an ice pack, and the collage prints I'd ordered at Walgreens... got there, stood in line, then realized I didn't have my wallet in my purse. Wasn't in the car, either. It was at home, on the dryer. Told Jack we had to go home to get my brains. He said he left his at Walgreens. LOL
-Got back to Walgreens and followed Jack, who ran through the store, yelling, "I think my brains are over in the line, Mommy!!" in his bright green rain boots. LMAO.
-Saw two ginormous, gorgeous rainbows that Jack pointed out to me and felt much much better.
-Opted out of going to the grocery store for Masa Harina to make chicken enchilada soup because of the 50 mph winds and freezing ice point rain.
-Came home and told Jack, "Mommy needs to relax for a little while. You can play in your room or the playroom quietly. But I'm going to watch my shows. Not yours." Sweet little guy said, "Okay Mommy! Have fun!"
-All was quiet for about 30 minutes. I checked my FB and watched All My Children in a blissfully ignorant and delusional haze.
-Went to investigate mysterious noises coming from closed bathroom door... smacked in the face with the scent of watermelon shampoo as I opened the door to find Jack had dumped half a bottle of it on his head.
-Put him in the shower to rinse it all off... still not sure how to wash the shirt he was wearing because I'm scared it'll ruin my washing machine with all the suds. Possibly clean it in the kitchen sink first? But that's filled with dishes at the moment... sigh.
-And the kicker to the day? I got my period. Yay!! Fun. No babies for me. Just explaining to Jack - because I can't possibly go to the bathroom by myself - in as simple and non-explanatory a way, what a tampon is and why I'm using it.
I will never ever again say "Worst day ever." Ever. Because then? Karma fucks you. And that sucks.