Wednesday, November 28, 2012


It's just a few days from the 9 month anniversary of Rachael's death.  I'm feeling so much better.  Nothing really happened to turn it around.  Just living my life - it's hard to stay depressed when I have my amazing little family and great friends.
Of course, I'll always carry a sadness with me.  And I worry about my parents and my sister.  Especially around the holidays.  My mom's struggle is... heart breaking.  Everytime.  I can't imagine what it is to be her. But I feel a weight has been lifted from my heart.  I'm feeling more and more like me.  I realized it on a regular, nothing special Saturday - when I recognized I had been laughing all day long.  Over nothing and everything.  I felt lighter and happier.  And blessed.
The one lingering issue is what some would call a PTSD kind of thing.  My mind goes from fine to fatal, drastic emergency over the slightest of things.  My husband complains about work and I am terrified he'll get fired.  My boss flew out of town on business and when I came into work the next day, she didn't send me her usual email... she didn't answer her phone... in my head, I began to think her plane had crashed and what would I do?  Someone has a family emergency or cries and I think someone died.  Phone ringing in the middle of the night?  Panic.
Obviously it can all be traced back to that phone call in the middle of the night that changed everything.  But how do I overcome it?  I mean, I'm not freaking out and crying or anything, but it'd be nice to not even have these thoughts of imminent disaster all the time.  Hell, I've even found myself worrying about falling down on the way to work.  (Admittedly, it did happen about a month ago and I'm still somewhat recovering, but to think of it as often as I do is weird.  Who thinks about how NOT to fall down with every step??  Me.)
I'm sure it'll just take time.  Everything does.  Until then, I'll keep laughing.  And praying.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Six months

I tried looking for an online group to do this.  I wasn't sure I wanted people I know to read this.  To know this part of me.  But I just couldn't let strangers in, either.  No one who has ever experienced this kind of pain - be it through grief or depression - could ever take this personally.  I hope no one will.  It's an expression of my pain and grief.  It's about my own demons.

It's been six months since my sister died of an overdose.  Since she broke our hearts.  And it quite literally feels like she's broken mine.  I'm on 2 different types of medicines to keep my blood pressure and heart rate at a normal level.  I can't walk half a mile without losing my breath.  My heart flip flops in my chest when I feel stressed or upset.  She wanted to get high and she died.  And now I feel like I might die.

I'm pissed off at everyone and everything.  I try hard not to be.  I really do.  It's no one's fault.  Definitely not mine or my friends' or the worlds'.  And it's not all the time.  It's not even most of the time.  But sometimes, I get irrationally, unbelievably pissed off for no reason at all.  When someone asks me what I mean by "it's been a hard year."  When I forget for one second that my sister is gone, forever.  When I forget in a moment of busyness or happiness that my mom and JD will never, ever, ever be the same; will never recover from this pain and heartache.  That none of us got the chance to say goodbye; and never should have had to.

Part of me hates the pity and the I'm-sorries.  Part of me feels like nearly everyone else has forgotten.  I hate putting it out there - all this pain and anger and negativity.  But, if I keep it in, what happens to me?  So much now, I feel myself closing off.  Pushing away people who try to be there for me; all while being so outraged by the people who haven't been.  I am a writhing mass of conflicting emotions.  As hard as it is for me, at least I know I'm a mess.  But for those closest to me, how do they deal with it when I barely can?  How can anyone understand my moods when I can barely recognize them myself?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


I can't get on Facebook much today without wanting to share my thoughts and opinions.  My heart aches today for so many reasons.  This being a big one.

I'll address the CFA debate, as it's being called.  First, my sister is gay.  She and her wife have the most amazing relationship.  Enviable.  The support, love and honesty I see between them inspires me to be a better wife to my husband.  I can't see anything wrong with that.  With two people, in love, sharing their love and commitment with the world.  You can throw Bible verses at me all day long, and I still can't imagine that being wrong.  In any way.  What breaks my heart is seeing people I know to be good saying hateful things.  And people close to me, too - people I would think would consider other's feelings before spouting some ridiculous theory about First Amendment Rights.  Because, let's face it, it is personal for me.  When you speak ill of any homosexual person, you are attacking my sister, whom I love.  And that hurts me.  Maybe you don't care.  Maybe you are so caught up in your righteous thinking that you believe it's okay to hurt me, to hurt my sister, to hurt anyone who believes differently than you do.

Posting your statuses and pictures on FB about how you love Chick-Fil-A, how Dan Cathy is right... some of you honestly do believe being gay is wrong.  You believe same sex marriage is an abomination.  That God is planning to smite anyone who is gay or believes it okay to be gay.  (Hmmmm... Does that sound a little Westboro Baptist-y to anyone else?)  Let's see - I'm certainly no theologist, but I'm pretty sure the Bible's underlying message is about God's love for his children.  I may not be able to whip out some scripture for you but my faith - my bone deep, heartfelt, deep down in my soul faith - says that Jesus would not appreciate all this hate we're slinging around down here.  Do you think He'd get involved in all this malarkey?  Really?

And then there are those of you who believe this is a First Amendments Rights issue.  Let me clarify that for you RIGHT NOW.  This whole issue would be void if it were just about one man's opinions.  Sure, there would be some people out there who'd voice their opposing viewpoints.  But the boycott?  That's about money.  That is about funds being donated to organizations who want to violate the rights of another human being.  Can you honestly say, in this day and age, that you find that to be acceptable behavior??  Whether you agree with someone else's lifestyle or not, can you say, as a human being, deep down in your heart, you find it perfectly acceptable to impede someone else's chance for happiness?

I can't.  And that's why I will give up my beloved Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and waffle fries.  Because I may not be the best person to speak out on this and I may lack some fundamental knowledge that will help you all to destroy me with your comments and your facts, but I know it hurts me to think of my sister and her wife being denied the same rights my husband and I take for granted.  And that's all it takes for me to jump on this bandwagon - a little personal insight.

**FYI - I am a "liberal hippie" no longer.  I have many "conservative" views.  I put them both in quotation marks because I am somewhere in the middle - where common sense and common courtesy meet a big heart.  Also, I am a Christian woman - learning, every single day, where, who and what God wants me to to be.  

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

MissUnderstood (Day 29 of 30)

What do you think people misundertand most about you?

Everything?  Haha!  Some days, it feels like I'm speaking a different language.  For people that don't really know me, though, I think it's my sense of humor that trips them up.  It can be dry and sarcastic, but without the mean bite.  I often forget that other people can see what I write on Facebook and later realize the tone may not have conveyed correctly. 

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Language of Love (Day 28 of 30)

What is your love language?

Acts of Service.  Not always in a huge way, but it's the things people do that tell me they love me.  The little things, the big things, and everything in between.  And when I love someone, I want to do things for them.  Help them in whatever way I can.  

You can check out this website to find out your love language!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Body Parts (Day 27 of 30)

What is your favorite part of your body and why?

Lately, it's been my biceps.  They're not perfectly toned and gorgeous, but since working out so much, I've noticed a difference in them.  I love how strong they are and how much more I can do with them.  It's an overall reflection of how strong, physically, I've felt lately. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

You're All Wrong! (Day 26 of 30)

What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

I've gone back and forth on this one.  I feel like all the things I'd talk about have been talked to death.  But, I have an "assignment" so I tried writing about a couple different things.  Apparently, I don't work well like that.  If I don't feel it, I can't write it.  So, that's why I am weeks overdue on number 26 of this little project.  

As I was relaxing today, watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, inspiration struck!  

Hopefully, we find someone we think is pretty awesome.  They return those feelings.  As we progress in our relationship, we fall in love.  Then, we spend even more time with them.  We plan a future.  At some point, we start to see little things that aren't so perfect.  That's okay, though.  I'm not perfect, he's not perfect.  We still love one another and support one another.  That's real life.  Accepting one another for who we are, flaws and all.  Right?  So here is where we come to what I think a lot of people get wrong...

Stand by your man (or woman). 

Please don't misunderstand me.  Supporting my husband is of utmost importance.  I love and respect him, so it's second nature to me.  The part that I take issue with is when a spouse (or a parent, for that matter) takes it too far.  There's supporting your spouse and then there's blind, stupid faith.  Maybe I'm dead wrong, but I try to be certain I see everyone for who they are and accept them as such.  It extends to my husband, my child, my family and my friends.  It's not an easy task.  There are things about people that bug the heck out of me.  But there are things about me that bug the heck out of them, too!  

It bothers me when I see a husband defending his wife when she's wrong.  (As in the case of the RHONJ couple, Teresa and Joe.)  If my husband did something I felt was wrong, I wouldn't back him on it.  Would I badmouth him all over town?  Obviously not.  I do respect him.  But I also wouldn't shout from the rooftops that he's perfect and tout what was obviously a misstep as being right. 

Am I wrong?  Should I claim perfection on behalf of my husband, even if I know he was wrong?  If he offends my friend, should I tell her she was wrong to be offended?  Or should I simply say he made a mistake and would never intend to offend her?  Be defensive or apologize on his behalf?  

I feel there is an abundance of societal pressure to present a perfect image to the world.  "We have a wonderful marriage; we rarely argue, and when we do, it's in calm voices with love and respect evident in every word; our child is smart, obedient and caring; and so on and so forth."  But if we're all doing that - if we're all pretending - then how do we relate to one another on any kind of real level?  We're all human.  We all make mistakes.  I love that our relationship allows us to accept one another in such a real way.  

I'm sure there will be many people who disagree with me.  Before you start telling me I'm going to ruin my marriage, let me be absolutely clear:  I don't try to find fault with anyone.  In fact, I try to see the best in everyone, and in every situation.  I don't constantly nag at my husband or nitpick.  In fact, a big part of accepting someone's "faults" is to realize it makes him who he is and love him for it; not in spite of it.  All I'm saying is I can't allow myself to blindly defend something I know to be wrong.

**Disclaimer: of course, all of this is hypothetical.  My husband actually IS perfect and has never done anything wrong.  Ever.