That's me, today. Every single negative emotion, thought, and fear have snuck into my heart and throat. Where I am just barely able to rein it in enough to be a passable mom, rather than the screaming, irrational banshee I am on the inside. I want to cry and throw things and yell and hit. I want to be a toddler, apparently. Because toddlers don't know how to identify or deal with their stress and emotions so they throw themselves to the floor to scream, kick, hit and cry their feelings out.
I was about to say that I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I honestly do have some inkling. I'm stressed about various relationships and haven't dealt with it because, frankly, I haven't got a clue where to begin. I'm feeling guilty for not addressing things head on and for letting people down, but at the same time feeling let down myself. And, oh the negative, soul-wrenching things I'm saying to myself!! I'm not a good friend, I'm not a good sister, I'm a horrible mom, I'm a terrible wife. I'm lazy and negative and whiny and crabby and rude and distracted and cowardly and weak.
My heart literally hurts and my throat is clogged with emotion trying to get out. I don't know if I want to cry or sleep or yell or meditate. I guess this is kind of an emotional purge, in a way. Writing all these things and letting the crazy out for the world to see. But I'm still choking on something and I'm not sure what might come out.
