Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
*This one was hard for me. It brought up a lot of emotion and was difficult for me to put all my business out there like this.
I was the oldest of four in a Navy family. My dad was a recruiter, so we didn't live by the beach. Ohio, Michigan, and Texas, before I moved to South Carolina to live with my mom and stepdad. I always felt different that my siblings. (One sister, one stepsister, one half-brother - but only in a vague sense. In reality, they've always been my sisters and brother. There has never been a distinction in my heart or mind.) They were athletic and outgoing, where I was bookish and shy. I felt fat, slow, uncoordinated, stupid. I wasn't all of those things. I'll cop to the uncoordinated - I've always been clumsy. My idea of fun was to stay inside and read while they liked to ride skateboards, play sports, and run around outside. I felt the difference was most noticeable to my parents; that I was compared to my 18 months younger sister, Riann, and found lacking. That nothing I did was enough. She and I fought - fight to the death kind of fought. On a summer visit to our mom, we had to be drug out of the ocean for trying to drown one another. We still loved each other - we were ready to defend against any outsider - but we hated each other in a way that only sisters can. I was closer to Dana, who is 4 years younger than me. I remember playing a lot of Barbies. Later, she read the same books as I did. The age difference made it hard to be really close; when you're 11 and liking boys, she's 7 and not. My brother, Michael, was the baby, seven years younger. He loved to torment me and I hated it. Being the baby, and the only boy, he got a little favoritism. (Which I'm sure my parents would deny!)
I got into a lot of trouble. My dad was (and is, in many ways) a Navy man. He pulled rank and expected you to fall in line. I was not made for the sailor's life. I questioned everything. I wanted reasons for why I wasn't allowed to do things I wanted to do. And if the reasons didn't feel right to me, I did what I wanted. I wanted equality and to be heard and respected as an individual. That's not how my parents did things. I was a kid - you do what you're told. Period. It didn't go over well with me, so I fought back. Riann still tells me (and Dana) if we'd just kept our mouths shut, we could have avoided a lot of trouble. Ha!
I went to live with my mom and stepdad when I was 14. At that point, I had a lot of anger towards my dad. I felt like he didn't like me (and in my more dramatic moments, that he didn't love me). So, why stick around? Living with my mom and stepdad was a learning experience for all of us. They'd had us every summer since I was 5 or 6, but that wasn't the same as having a teenage girl in the house with high school and boys and friends and frenemies and hormones and Drama. I'd been pretty sheltered at my dad's house, but my mom and stepdad were more lenient than my dad and stepmom. I ran around the neighborhood and did things I'd never have had the opportunity to do at my dad's. Nothing terrible. Normal teenage stuff - truth or dare, first kisses, stolen cigarettes. (Mind you - this is over the course of the next few years - not all while I was 14.) I had my first real boyfriend. Learned to drive. Did well at school. Expressed myself in normal and dramatic ways.
Halfway through my senior year of high school, my mom got pregnant. I know, right?! It was insane to me. But I was so happy for my parents. They'd been trying for years and my stepdad had no biological children of his own. So, at 18, I had a new baby sister, Rachael. And a new dynamic to the family. But that's another really long story that you can read here.
As an adult, I've still struggled in my relationships with my parents. My dad and I are good - as long as he's there and I'm here and we don't really talk about anything real. His views on things are quite different from my own and we tend to argue, and then I cry, and he gets mad, if we talk about things. So, we don't. And I'm happy with that. I'm happy loving my dad and talking to him every week or so about his grandson. We keep it light and it works for us.
My stepmom (who is no longer married to my dad but will always be one of my moms) and I are okay. I love her but I get frustrated because she has a very different life now and that life seems to exclude us. Yet, on the rare occasions we do speak, she complains about not seeing him or knowing him. As much as I recognize she has a right to her own life, I resent the fact that she doesn't make the effort to come see us - or even to call or Skype. Again, if I keep it superficial, it's all good.
Basically, with some people, I've learned they will not change. I have to accept that I can either keep it light and things will stay drama-free, or I can waste my time, energy and emotion trying to get something that doesn't exist.
Things with my mom have been rocky the last 10 years. She has battled mental illness while suffering from excruciating back and joint pain brought on by degenerative disc and joint disease. The mental illness has been hard for me to cope with. Not only because she sometimes seems like a completely different person, but also because of fear. Fear that she'll never be the same mom I've known. Fear that I'll suffer from the same illnesses. Fear that I'm doing everything wrong and am a terrible daughter. Our relationship has been getting better - but for one fight we had over and over again. About Rachael. I was judgmental and snotty. I thought I knew better. Thinking back, it was rude and disrespectful. It came from a place of fear and worry and LOVE. I wanted them to be happy and they weren't.
We'd been getting better. I was learning to back off; Mom was asking for my opinion and wanting to hear it. And I began to speak up for myself when things bothered me. It's hard but it helped my relationship with her. Then, Rachael died. Now, our dynamic has a whole new spin. There's a sadness but also a gratefulness to have one another. And, on my part, probably some guilt over giving her such a hard time for so long. For taking so long to grow up and let her be whatever kind of mom she needed to be.
I've always known I can talk to her. When things are good or bad, I can call her and she'll listen. I can talk to her in a way that is unique to our relationship and tell her things I may not be able to tell anyone else. That's always been there.
My stepdad has always been one of my favorite people. He is funny and wise and a good man. We don't talk as much as we should. That's my fault. I felt like I was disappointing him by fighting with my mom and Rachael so much. In my teen years, he was my protector and confidant. His strength, love and values have always been an inspiration to me. Even now, after losing Rachael, he is so strong and so good. His faith in God has helped us all.
I love my sisters. It's amazing to me how close I am to Riann, after everything we did to each other. She is one of my best friends. I can, and do, talk to her about everything. Jack is Riann's biggest fan. They have a beautiful bond, and I don't have the words to express how much I love that. Riann's wife, Alyssa, is just amazing. I love their relationship, their home... them.
My sister Dana and I tend to clash from time to time because of our differing views on pretty much everything external. The one (and vital) thing we agree on is family. We love to spend time together and just be a family together. I love her quirkiness and her beautiful art. Jack has nicknamed her "Aunt Funny" because he loves her so much and she always makes him laugh.
My brother, Michael, and I don't really know each other very well. Our almost eight year age difference, my moving away when he was just six, his moving away when he was in high school... they all contribute to our not being super close. Now that he's back in Texas, with his wife and daughters, I'm hoping that will change. I adore his wife (also a Dana) - she is down-to-earth, funny, smart, and loving. When we get together, we don't run out of things to say. And my nieces? Gorgeous, funny little girls who stole my heart. There is nothing better than watching my son and my brother's daughter play together.
Then, there's Rachael. She changed my life so many times. I'm sad we won't have the chance to grow our relationship. I hope she knew how much I love her. How heartbroken I am. And how every single thing that happens in our lives, we'll have her right there with us.
When you get married, you get a whole new family. This little (okay, kind of going long here) essay would be incomplete if I didn't include my Decker family. The first time I met my husband's family, we'd only been dating a few weeks. I was so nervous. I tried on various outfits - but still remember what I wore: a black A-line skirt with white embroidered outlines of flowers with a pink tee and black slides. I was going for simple, but cute. We went to his parents' home to meet his mom, dad, and two sisters. The girls were still in high school. Everyone was so quiet and nice. I probably came off as snobby or standoffish, as I do when I'm nervous. For a while afterward, I would tease him about his Leave it to Beaver family and how he was the golden boy. It was foreign to me - having parents that were still together and everyone loving each other so much.
We got married really quickly. Nine months and one day from our first date, to be exact. Then, we had a baby and moved to Arizona. Maybe that's why I don't feel as close to his family as I'd like. Back when we were planning our wedding, I had dreams of being super close with his mom and sisters. I feel a distance I wish wasn't there but don't know how to navigate. It's my own insecurities and shyness holding me back, I'm sure. We're a family, though, and we'll grow. Right now, I'm happy knowing how much Jack loves them.
That's what it all comes back to, for me. My son knowing and feeling the warmth and security of a large family who loves him. No matter how far away we are, we all know there is love in family.
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