Breaking up is hard to do...

No, I haven't left my husband.  I have, however, for the first time ever in my life, had to end a friendship.  You know what they say about the truth - it usually lands somewhere in the middle of two stories.  And I'm sure it applies to the issues that occur in relationships.  I am certainly not perfect but I do know I try as hard as I can to be a good friend.  And, shockingly, not everyone likes me!   But when I've become so close with someone and it all goes sour, it's very very hard for me to believe this is the end. 
There have been too many hateful things said and done.  Too many letdowns.  Too much drama and stress.  When it gets to a point where you're unhappy more than you're happy, it's time to let go.  Right?  That's the "healthy" thing to do. 
But DAMN it's freaking hard.  My stomach hurts, my heart is racing, I feel sad and shaky and uncertain.  All I can think about are the good times.  All the reasons for the "break up" escape me and I hate that it probably (maybe?) hurts the other person just as much as it does me.  Or maybe more because I've been thinking about it and knew it would most likely come to this end. 
My nature is to fight as hard as possible to hold on to the people I love.  But loving someone doesn't make them the best match for you.  Sometimes, you love what is bad for you - like bacon and heavy cream and deep fried anything.  And as hard as this is, as much as I'm second guessing myself, I believe it's better in the long run.  There've been too many fights.  Too many bad words.  Too little understanding. 
This will hurt for a long time...

Thanksgiving 2010

Dear Universe,

This year has been full of surprises.  Full of joy and discovery.  Full of friends and laughter and love.  And very light on heartache.  Thank you so so much for all the blessings.  Since each is from you, you probably don't need to read on (it may get overly emotional, snarky and/or boring) but for everyone else who reads my blog...

Obviously, I'm so very grateful for my son.  Jack.  The Jackalope.  Or mostly, this year, Jack-Avery-Decker-Answer-Me-Right-Now!!  Thank you for giving me the strength and humility to keep from losing my mind as my son discovered independence, attitude and the power of ignoring me.  It's taught me so much!!  Thank you, mostly, for his sense of humor, cute faces, and his loving nature.  He truly adds something special to everyone's lives.

Second on my list of gratitudes has to be my husband, Wayne.  I am thankful to have found a man who understands me.  Who I can honestly say is my best friend.  He is there for me all the time, without a doubt.  He's funny, smart, sexy, stronger than anyone I know, and just a great guy, all around.  Of course, I am MOST thankful for when he teaches me to recognize my own moods - like when he points out that I'm cranky, or nagging, or ditzy.  It's amazing how much I learn from him.  Not to mention the fact that he shares his hard earned money with me.  And his TV!  What a generous, loving soul!

Ah, my extended family.  Riann, Dana, Mike, Rachael... the siblings who taught me that I am not a morning person, that I am truly the most emotional one of the bunch, and that I am the slowest in a race. My many parents... my new stepsisters... my in-laws... They all know (or I hope they do) how much they really mean to me!!

Then, there are my friends.  The friends I get silly with, get drunk with, cry with, laugh with, test boundaries with, fight with, make up with, go out with, stay in with... Who've taught me how to stand up for myself, laugh at myself, believe in myself, and BE myself.  My friends who love me unconditionally, who are there for me, who truly know me, who ignore me, who apologize for ignoring me (ha!  You know who you are!), who have their own complicated, beautiful lives that they let me share in.

Lastly, besides of course being thankful for all my material possessions (clothes, car, house, furniture, and all the bills, paperwork and randomness that clutter that furniture), I am thankful for ME.   That's right.  I said it out loud.  (Or on paper... um... computer?  Idk!)  I am thankful for the muscles that help me cart around a 4 year old.  For the brains that help me figure out the bills and our schedules.  For the creativity that helped me to find the outlet of making jewelry.  I'm thankful for the words that come easily to me, for my love of reading and my love of cooking.  I'm thankful for all the things that make my friends and family and husband and son love me enough to stand me when I'm being a little bit neurotic and crazy.  But I think most of all, I am thankful for my heart.  Because as much as it can hurt, it can love so much more.   So, thanks, Universe for giving me this great big loving heart.

Love always,
Jen

Uh oh!!

I fear, truly fear, I may be morphing into one of those annoyingly happy people.  You know... you don't want to admit it but you know who I'm talking about.  The people who are happy so much and so often and so brightly that you think, "Ha!  No way she acts like that all the time!  I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she really loses it."  Don't lie!!  You know you've done it!!
And lately, even when people are rude or hurtful or things are stressing me out, I can still find my way back to this joyous, grateful, heart-full feeling of pure LOVE.  Granted, it's only been going on for a few days and I still have my snarky little jokes but overall, I just feel... bursting with happiness and love.  Nothing's keeping me down for long and it is the BEST freaking feeling!!!  I find myself smiling at nothing.  Making time to stop and pet the dog when she's being annoying as hell (which, btw, works like a DREAM and she settles right down).  Being silly with Jack at the grocery store or doing laundry or making dinner.  Cheesily, annoyingly, I'm stopping to smell the roses and just enjoy my life. 

Oh what a difference...

So, the last blog I wrote... or vomited onto the page... was filled with so much anger and stress and negative emotion.  I just reread it and physically can remember the emotion.  It was horrible.  I'm beginning to feel headachy just from reading it.
Since then, I've started a therapy of sorts.  And it's changing me.  It's helping me to discover who I truly am, who I want to be, and how to blend the two.  For one, I've stopped (or nearly stopped - breaking old habits is HARD) beating myself up about every little thing.  I've stopped stressing about things that are not a priority for me.  And I've - finally - decided that I am a priority.  I am number one.  (Anyone else hear the Nelly song now?  LOL) And since I've decided that, to quote a smart lady, my world doesn't exist without ME... the funniest thing has happened.  I'm enjoying being with other people more.  And I think they enjoy me more.  Because I'm happy and I'm not bogged down with all this negative internal stuff - worrying about how to be a good friend, good mom, good wife.  Because I already AM all of those things when I let myself just BE. 
I still get upset.  I'm not suddenly the Dalai freaking Lama.  I'm not perfect but I am enjoying my imperfections a lot more and accepting me for being me.  Which is what I want my friends and family to do - so why not set an example, right?   I'm not done.  I have plenty of work to do.  But I've made huge leaps and bounds into being happier.  Which is what we all want, right?  To just be and to be happy and to be loved and loving. 
Oh - and a bonus benefit?  I'm losing weight.  Which is what I started the whole therapy thing for anyhow.  LOL