My blog is a place where I feel I can be honest. Not in a baring my soul kind of way. Because, let's face it, my parents might read this. My sisters read this. (Or maybe they don't anymore since I started a separate blog about the one they really care about - my kid.) My in-laws, friends, FB friends, etc. read this. So, no, I don't get into the nitty gritty like I would if say, this were an incognito blog and you were a bunch of strangers that I'd never ever have to face. (Ironic but you know it's so true!!) I do sometimes get carried away and probably reveal too much, though.
Anywho... I, obviously, do not want to have the same health issues as my mom. She has a ton. To name a few: diabetes, degenerative disc disease, rheumatoid arthritis, emphysema, chronic bronchitis. That doesn't even begin to cover her various mental health issues. (No, I don't feel bad saying any of this, btw. She is very open about her medical issues.)
Funnily enough, anytime I get anything that is remotely like any of her issues, I immediately start worrying. Crap. I have bronchitis. Is it chronic? Do I have emphysema? Am I going to get diabetes and arthritis, too? What if I get the degenerative disc disease? I don't want to deal with that much pain. You get the idea. Then, I call or text my sister. Today, it went like this:
Me: F*$%. I feel like I'm turning into Mom. I have another cough that's prob bronchitis. :(
Her: Do u still smoke?
Me: Just quit... Again. Lol. I wasn't smoking, then I started again around Thanksgiving. Quit last weekend.
Her: Well that should help...
I love how she points out that I've been smoking. And I have. I do quit. For months at a time. With no problem. But then something will happen and I'll get to smoking again. Not during the day, when Jack is awake and running around, but at night, outside. In specially designated "smoking clothes" that I don't wear around Jack. Ridic, right?!?! I shouldn't smoke at all! (Confession? I actually started smoking earlier than Thanksgiving but I feel like it started getting out of control around then. Like going from 3-5 per night to 10 or so per night. Which is soooooo bad for me.)
But what I really wanted was reassurance that I'm not my mother. I don't want to be my father, either, for that matter. Or anyone else. Just myself. I think that's a fairly common thing amongst people my age. Especially once we have kids. Like, suddenly, we feel we're morphing into our parents. Even if we love our parents and think they were the best people in the world, do we really want to be carbon copies? Do we want to be exactly like them? And does anyone in their mid-thirties still have that idealized picture of their parents that makes them want be like that? Or have we all dealt with the fact that Mom and Dad are humans. They have their faults, they make mistakes, and they did what they thought was best. So, no, we don't want to make the same mistakes.
But back to me - I don't want to be my mother, yet I have this damn cough that I get more frequently as I get older and I keep going back to the damn smoking. So, this is me. Stating for the world (or all 12 of you) that I'm done smoking. If I screw up, I'll post it. I'll cop to it. It won't be the hardest thing in my life because I'm not around smoking much. But it won't be easy when I am around it, either.
And now, I'll be back at the doctor tomorrow. For this cough that is by turns dry and annoying or phlegmy and painful. My inhaler hasn't done much to ease the chest pain for more than 30 minutes or so. And I'm damn tired of getting this crap. But at least it's not back pain or panic attacks, right? And a cough definitely does not make me my mother.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My friends... are the BEST friends... seriously. Your friends aren't as cool as mine.
I am not very good at verbally expressing love and gratitude. I'm conscious of it. I think about how much I love my friends and how grateful I am for their input, their jokes and stories, their trust and compassion. The way this one laughs with all her being or the way that one just tells it like it is. How she taught me to quit taking every damn thing so personally - a lesson that's helped me tremendously over the past 6 years. How she is so beautifully artistic in every single thing she does. How I feel loved and special and happy in their presences. It's a beautiful thing. (Sometimes, it's an ugly thing but that's only when Pepsi shoots out of noses all over pizza. And, in it's way, still frickin GORGEOUS.)
What I have a problem with is verbalizing it all. Just saying, "Hey - I appreciate you and love you and think xyz about you," is a tough, tough thing for me. I feel corny and insincere and... dumb. And overly emotional. Plus, when do you do something like that? Randomly, over lunch? Just call her up and be all gushy? (Okay, there's one friend who'd probably love it. The rest would ask me what I've been smoking.) I try sending cards but that doesn't really convey my true feelings. And it's rare that I remember to do it.
Then there are my friends that I don't see very often. Not the long distance ones, either. (Though you COULD call/write/visit every once in a while!) I'm talking about my friends that live here in town and we haven't done a playdate for 3 months or so. We all have super busy lives and things get crazy so we end up not seeing one another for such a long time. Then, I start feeling guilty about being out of the loop for so long. And life gets all up in my way - Jack gets sick, I get sick, things break, the dog needs to go to the vet, my mom is coming to visit. And sometimes, I just want to be alone. I'm sure all the moms out there can relate to those times when you feel as if everyone has just been in.your.face.all.week.long. The kid, the dog, the husband... So some peace and quiet and aloneness is all you really want.
But my point is this:
Dear Friend,
I seriously think you're awesome and I love hanging out with you. Life sometimes gets in the way and I find myself completely overbooked and overwhelmed and don't make time for you like I should. But please don't think that has anything to do with how I feel about you. I want to see you and hear all about whatever is new, exciting or crappy in your life. Please, please don't give up on me. I really am trying.
Love,
Jen
(Aka your craptastic friend who never makes time for you)
What I have a problem with is verbalizing it all. Just saying, "Hey - I appreciate you and love you and think xyz about you," is a tough, tough thing for me. I feel corny and insincere and... dumb. And overly emotional. Plus, when do you do something like that? Randomly, over lunch? Just call her up and be all gushy? (Okay, there's one friend who'd probably love it. The rest would ask me what I've been smoking.) I try sending cards but that doesn't really convey my true feelings. And it's rare that I remember to do it.
Then there are my friends that I don't see very often. Not the long distance ones, either. (Though you COULD call/write/visit every once in a while!) I'm talking about my friends that live here in town and we haven't done a playdate for 3 months or so. We all have super busy lives and things get crazy so we end up not seeing one another for such a long time. Then, I start feeling guilty about being out of the loop for so long. And life gets all up in my way - Jack gets sick, I get sick, things break, the dog needs to go to the vet, my mom is coming to visit. And sometimes, I just want to be alone. I'm sure all the moms out there can relate to those times when you feel as if everyone has just been in.your.face.all.week.long. The kid, the dog, the husband... So some peace and quiet and aloneness is all you really want.
But my point is this:
Dear Friend,
I seriously think you're awesome and I love hanging out with you. Life sometimes gets in the way and I find myself completely overbooked and overwhelmed and don't make time for you like I should. But please don't think that has anything to do with how I feel about you. I want to see you and hear all about whatever is new, exciting or crappy in your life. Please, please don't give up on me. I really am trying.
Love,
Jen
(Aka your craptastic friend who never makes time for you)
Monday, January 17, 2011
Last week...
I totally meant to blog at least once a week this year. Week one? Score! Week two? Awwww, fail!! Haha. I mean, how does the week go by so quickly? One minute, I'm looking at the date and thinking, "Oh, it's only Sunday. I have all week to prepare and write a blog." (Yeah, that's right. I was going to do actual research and blog about something! Rather than the whole stream of consciousness, whatever pops into my head kind of blog I generally do.) Then, I wake up today and it's Monday. Of the following week. And I've not blogged. Oh well! I'll just have to blog twice this week!
So, last week, I did pretty well on my resolutions. Except the part where I was going to tackle the reorganization. The shooting, stabbing pains down my left leg from a pinched sciatic nerve kinda got in the way. I know what you're thinking - "Absolutely no excuse!! You promised us organization - we want organization!!" Settle down. I went through a few things on the piled up desk. I took back some "to be returned" items that had piled up. And I got our yearly budget all worked out. That's organizing, right? As for the standing up for myself, not being bogged down with other people's shit, and working towards a better me, I did pretty well. Yay!
This week, I've got cleaning/organizing while the boys are at school/work Tuesday, women's bible study Wednesday morning, Power Yoga with Carly at TimeOut Yoga Wednesday night, and my session with Cathe Thursday morning. Not to mention journaling, working on my memory verses for the 2011 Siesta Sister Memory Verse, and all the other wife/mommy things I do. It's a full week and I am so looking forward to it!!
As for other things in our lives... oh, where to begin. Hmmm. Well, Wayne finally got his smoker. See, I bought him one for Christmas but being an emotional gifter, I didn't do much in the way of research and didn't realize I'd bought him the worst smoker ever. Not only did it miss most of the main features he wanted, but it also was missing parts. As in, nuts, bolts, and other pieces that are necessary for construction. Which we attempted, much to the amusement of Kel and Gaby, on New Year's Eve. Wayne and I constructing a cast-iron smoker (about the size of a decent gas grill), with faulty instructions and missing pieces is truly sitcom fodder - proving Kel's theory that being at our house is like being in the middle of a sitcom. But! We returned the defective piece of junk and purchased a Brinkman from WalMart. The new one was super easy to construct - less than 30 minutes - but offered very little in the way of sitcom type escapades.
Today, Wayne is smoking a 12 lb brisket. He made his own dry rub last night, wrapped the brisket in about 2 miles of cellophane, and let it marinate. Up at 6 a.m., he got it started. I am amazed at his dedication. 6 a.m. is not commonly acceptable in our home. We give 6 a.m. the finger and go back to sleep most days. This amount of determination will surely result in a delectable treat! Especially since he's a fantastic cook to begin with.
Yesterday, we spent an entirely futile day in Tucson, shopping for a new bed. Not new bedroom furniture. Not a mattress or box springs. Just the bed. Because, sometime after 12 Saturday night, ours broke. Actually, it broke on Monday. We heard a loud CRACK! So, we jumped out of bed, looked for any signs of breakage and climbed back in after finding nothing. Then, lying there Saturday night, Wayne asks why I'm tapping on the headboard. Me? I thought that was you? Staring each other down, trying to figure out the logical explanation, I suddenly feel the entire top corner of my side slide down toward the floor. Again, commence the jumping out of bed. The side support had snapped and then waited 5 days to actually fall apart. So we took the whole thing apart, put the box springs and mattress on the floor and went to sleep. After looking at about 597 beds, we've decided to just buy a metal frame until we can save up and buy a whole new suite. Nothing we found was cost effective enough to warrant having something that doesn't match the rest of the furniture and would drive.me.crazy. with the clashing. I'd rather have nothing than something that looks crazy. (And besides, we don't truly love our current set.)
For now, I'm off to tackle laundry and find the perfect side dishes to accompany Wayne's sure to be delish smoked brisket.
So, last week, I did pretty well on my resolutions. Except the part where I was going to tackle the reorganization. The shooting, stabbing pains down my left leg from a pinched sciatic nerve kinda got in the way. I know what you're thinking - "Absolutely no excuse!! You promised us organization - we want organization!!" Settle down. I went through a few things on the piled up desk. I took back some "to be returned" items that had piled up. And I got our yearly budget all worked out. That's organizing, right? As for the standing up for myself, not being bogged down with other people's shit, and working towards a better me, I did pretty well. Yay!
This week, I've got cleaning/organizing while the boys are at school/work Tuesday, women's bible study Wednesday morning, Power Yoga with Carly at TimeOut Yoga Wednesday night, and my session with Cathe Thursday morning. Not to mention journaling, working on my memory verses for the 2011 Siesta Sister Memory Verse, and all the other wife/mommy things I do. It's a full week and I am so looking forward to it!!
As for other things in our lives... oh, where to begin. Hmmm. Well, Wayne finally got his smoker. See, I bought him one for Christmas but being an emotional gifter, I didn't do much in the way of research and didn't realize I'd bought him the worst smoker ever. Not only did it miss most of the main features he wanted, but it also was missing parts. As in, nuts, bolts, and other pieces that are necessary for construction. Which we attempted, much to the amusement of Kel and Gaby, on New Year's Eve. Wayne and I constructing a cast-iron smoker (about the size of a decent gas grill), with faulty instructions and missing pieces is truly sitcom fodder - proving Kel's theory that being at our house is like being in the middle of a sitcom. But! We returned the defective piece of junk and purchased a Brinkman from WalMart. The new one was super easy to construct - less than 30 minutes - but offered very little in the way of sitcom type escapades.
Today, Wayne is smoking a 12 lb brisket. He made his own dry rub last night, wrapped the brisket in about 2 miles of cellophane, and let it marinate. Up at 6 a.m., he got it started. I am amazed at his dedication. 6 a.m. is not commonly acceptable in our home. We give 6 a.m. the finger and go back to sleep most days. This amount of determination will surely result in a delectable treat! Especially since he's a fantastic cook to begin with.
Yesterday, we spent an entirely futile day in Tucson, shopping for a new bed. Not new bedroom furniture. Not a mattress or box springs. Just the bed. Because, sometime after 12 Saturday night, ours broke. Actually, it broke on Monday. We heard a loud CRACK! So, we jumped out of bed, looked for any signs of breakage and climbed back in after finding nothing. Then, lying there Saturday night, Wayne asks why I'm tapping on the headboard. Me? I thought that was you? Staring each other down, trying to figure out the logical explanation, I suddenly feel the entire top corner of my side slide down toward the floor. Again, commence the jumping out of bed. The side support had snapped and then waited 5 days to actually fall apart. So we took the whole thing apart, put the box springs and mattress on the floor and went to sleep. After looking at about 597 beds, we've decided to just buy a metal frame until we can save up and buy a whole new suite. Nothing we found was cost effective enough to warrant having something that doesn't match the rest of the furniture and would drive.me.crazy. with the clashing. I'd rather have nothing than something that looks crazy. (And besides, we don't truly love our current set.)
For now, I'm off to tackle laundry and find the perfect side dishes to accompany Wayne's sure to be delish smoked brisket.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Self improvement
Uggghhhh!!! Hokey!! New Year's Resolutions!! Blech, blerg, blum. I'm not sure what blum is but it popped out so there ya go.
Of course, I'm doing some rethinking, refocusing and reorganizing now. It's the beginning of a new year; the best, most symbolic time to reinvent. To start with a clean slate. I've got some serious changes to make - both internal and external. I've been working with this amazing counselor on why I consistently do things that negatively impact my life. Things such as remaining in relationships that have become toxic. Not going to the gym when it'd be soooo good for me, physically and emotionally. Letting people take advantage of me. Not saying, "Hey - that SUCKED when you did XYZ and now I'm hurt and upset." Allowing myself to feel bad, sad, mad, upset, stressed, what-have-you about other people's shit. And it's not just about other people - it's about why I want to get organized, get fit, DO things and simply... don't.
I'm making progress. It's hard. Harder than I thought. Here I'm thinking I'm a pretty upfront kind of person - emotionally in touch with my innermost self... and I'm not!!! I hold back when I should stand up for myself. For fear of making waves. Of rocking the boat. For fear of other people's reactions - also known as other people's shit. Apparently, I'm not as forgiving as I thought, either. Probably because I finally AM taking a stand and not allowing people to treat me in any other fashion that I'd treat them. Huh. How novel an idea!! To expect from others what I expect from myself! Wow!
Anywho... this year, I'm taking on some projects that will externally express my desire for less internal chaos. First, I'm going to organize the hell out of this house. The clutter will no longer be an issue because there won't be a single thing that comes into this house that doesn't have a specific place. I'm taking control of the external chaos. That's right - this house will be my bitch.
Secondly, to further my enlightenment, I've signed on for a challenge. It's the 2011 Siesta Scripture Memory Team challenge to memorize 24 Bible verses in 12 months. It's a great way for me to A)remember that there's something bigger than me out there, B)become more in tune with my current emotions and how to address different issues, and C)challenge my bored, slow brain. There's definitely nothing wrong with inserting a little divinity into my life!!!
Thirdly, I am taking back control of our finances. Not that anyone took control of them from me. More that I relinquished control and they got out of control. Paying off bills, finding the best deals on the things we need/want, building up that "emergency savings account" we've had forever, saving up for vacations/Christmas/etc. Being in control of our finances will go a long way toward reducing stress and...
That's a big theme for this year. Living in the now, focusing on the good things/people in my life, not allowing anyone to treat me with any less than I deserve. In short, 2011 will be The Year of Bliss around here!!! Wishing all of you the best year ever and the chutzpah to go after your dreams, goals and wishes.
Of course, I'm doing some rethinking, refocusing and reorganizing now. It's the beginning of a new year; the best, most symbolic time to reinvent. To start with a clean slate. I've got some serious changes to make - both internal and external. I've been working with this amazing counselor on why I consistently do things that negatively impact my life. Things such as remaining in relationships that have become toxic. Not going to the gym when it'd be soooo good for me, physically and emotionally. Letting people take advantage of me. Not saying, "Hey - that SUCKED when you did XYZ and now I'm hurt and upset." Allowing myself to feel bad, sad, mad, upset, stressed, what-have-you about other people's shit. And it's not just about other people - it's about why I want to get organized, get fit, DO things and simply... don't.
I'm making progress. It's hard. Harder than I thought. Here I'm thinking I'm a pretty upfront kind of person - emotionally in touch with my innermost self... and I'm not!!! I hold back when I should stand up for myself. For fear of making waves. Of rocking the boat. For fear of other people's reactions - also known as other people's shit. Apparently, I'm not as forgiving as I thought, either. Probably because I finally AM taking a stand and not allowing people to treat me in any other fashion that I'd treat them. Huh. How novel an idea!! To expect from others what I expect from myself! Wow!
Anywho... this year, I'm taking on some projects that will externally express my desire for less internal chaos. First, I'm going to organize the hell out of this house. The clutter will no longer be an issue because there won't be a single thing that comes into this house that doesn't have a specific place. I'm taking control of the external chaos. That's right - this house will be my bitch.
Secondly, to further my enlightenment, I've signed on for a challenge. It's the 2011 Siesta Scripture Memory Team challenge to memorize 24 Bible verses in 12 months. It's a great way for me to A)remember that there's something bigger than me out there, B)become more in tune with my current emotions and how to address different issues, and C)challenge my bored, slow brain. There's definitely nothing wrong with inserting a little divinity into my life!!!
Thirdly, I am taking back control of our finances. Not that anyone took control of them from me. More that I relinquished control and they got out of control. Paying off bills, finding the best deals on the things we need/want, building up that "emergency savings account" we've had forever, saving up for vacations/Christmas/etc. Being in control of our finances will go a long way toward reducing stress and...
That's a big theme for this year. Living in the now, focusing on the good things/people in my life, not allowing anyone to treat me with any less than I deserve. In short, 2011 will be The Year of Bliss around here!!! Wishing all of you the best year ever and the chutzpah to go after your dreams, goals and wishes.
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