This year has absolutely flown by!! It's been nearly 6 months since my last post. And upon reading that last one, I find myself amazed at how quickly these months have passed. Obviously, as one grows older time moves faster. It can't be that the million things a grown up has going through her mind takes up so much time that it just seems as if time flies. (And, let me tell you, it's got very little to do with having fun. Not to say I've had no fun. Just on a fun-to-not-fun ratio, not fun is winning.) On the other, very contradictory hand, it seems as if the all-consuming fires of the summer were ages and ages ago. (Why is the other hand always so contradictory? Seems as if they'd agree every now and then, doesn't it?)
To the current point... a new year fast approaches. And while we should be striving to make changes for the better every single day, we tend to wait for a new beginning on the calendar. Mondays are very popular, for instance. Which also makes them unpopular. But that's less to do with change and more with work. I always, always fall prey to the silly yet traditional Resolutions. I always make them. I rarely fulfill them. Maybe I should reverse psychologize myself!! But no, because I'd know I'm doing it and that defeats the purpose...
So, in thinking of my New Year's Resolutions 2012, I began with the most stereotypical yet applicable hopes:
1. Lose weight
2. Be more financially responsible
3. Be a better mom and wife
All very good thoughts but all very predictable and boring. All things I've said before. Then, I read a post from my Facebook friend Jill; she and her family choose one word to focus on for the entire year. FANTASTIC!!! It suits me down to the bone! It's so lazy! Or is not lazy because encompassed in that one word are endless opportunities for growth?! Yes! Awesome! So... my word for the upcoming new year is going to be....
AWESOME!!
No, no. I'm just kidding. I'm already awesome. And that's not really something to grow toward anyway. How about...
LAZY!!
Yes! I love it! Because being a mom and a wife is hard work. And that guy, Dan Wood, he has Reflections on Laziness so it must be a good thing, right? Hmmm, well... the only problem is I'm pretty good at Lazy. A little too good.
All jokes aside, the word that came to me is BALANCE. Because I need more balance in my life. Balance in my physical self, my mental self, my financial self, my parental self and my spiritual self. My little family will benefit immensely from me learning to balance all aspects of my life.
My body has been lately telling me that I am sorely in need of balance. Headaches, stomach problems, skin problems, etc. They all point to needing more balance in my diet and exercise. Of course, this will be the basis of balance for all the other parts of my life. When my body is in balance, my mental state will be more balanced. (Haha! I guess that means I'm mentally unbalanced!) Which will influence my parenting style, my finances, my everything.
As my good friend Verity said, "2012 is our year!" And I am so ready! Bring it on, 2012! :)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monument Fire
The southern part of the state is ablaze. I tried to hide from it. I told myself, "Eh - they'll contain it." As it drew closer to the homes of people I know, places I've dined, "Psh. It'll be fine. It can't get to us. We're in the middle of town."
Today, I no longer cling to those indifferent and indulgent beliefs. Wayne told me early today that I should "maybe lie some things aside, just in case." My mind began racing with what is truly important. What do we need should it come down to leaving our home, believing it would soon be burnt to nearly nothing? And where would we go? How far does one go to outrun a fire of this magnitude? Something entirely unthinking, yet blindingly, mercilessly feeding on the very earth?
We came up with a plan - should the fires reach spot X, we'll leave. Go on an impromptu vacation and leave our home to the whims of fate. I've begun categorizing and mentally calculating what will fit into the bed of the truck. The pros and cons of taking both vehicles. What I truly would be heartbroken over leaving behind. Mostly, it's about Jack. And our wedding. I cried, and I text my sister, saying we may have to come stay with her. After that was done, I realized the only thing left was a return to life as we know it...
Wayne, Jack and I went to see the 62nd Army Band Brass Quintet play a Concert in the Park tonight... what struck me most was the contrast. Here we sit, enjoying a nice summer evening, listening to music, enjoying the breeze and the setting sun... yet just 10 miles away firefighters are embroiled in a hellish battle, fighting flames as high as 40 ft, and people are leaving everything behind, fleeing a wildfire that seems almost alive in its greed to consume...
I'm definitely stressed, a little scared, emotional... and resolutely getting to a point of certainty and calm. We will do what needs to be done. I'm praying for all the people who have already had to evacuate, for the firefighters, and for an end to the insanity.
Today, I no longer cling to those indifferent and indulgent beliefs. Wayne told me early today that I should "maybe lie some things aside, just in case." My mind began racing with what is truly important. What do we need should it come down to leaving our home, believing it would soon be burnt to nearly nothing? And where would we go? How far does one go to outrun a fire of this magnitude? Something entirely unthinking, yet blindingly, mercilessly feeding on the very earth?
We came up with a plan - should the fires reach spot X, we'll leave. Go on an impromptu vacation and leave our home to the whims of fate. I've begun categorizing and mentally calculating what will fit into the bed of the truck. The pros and cons of taking both vehicles. What I truly would be heartbroken over leaving behind. Mostly, it's about Jack. And our wedding. I cried, and I text my sister, saying we may have to come stay with her. After that was done, I realized the only thing left was a return to life as we know it...
Wayne, Jack and I went to see the 62nd Army Band Brass Quintet play a Concert in the Park tonight... what struck me most was the contrast. Here we sit, enjoying a nice summer evening, listening to music, enjoying the breeze and the setting sun... yet just 10 miles away firefighters are embroiled in a hellish battle, fighting flames as high as 40 ft, and people are leaving everything behind, fleeing a wildfire that seems almost alive in its greed to consume...
I'm definitely stressed, a little scared, emotional... and resolutely getting to a point of certainty and calm. We will do what needs to be done. I'm praying for all the people who have already had to evacuate, for the firefighters, and for an end to the insanity.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Religion
"So... what's up with the church stuff lately?"
"Yeah, um... I noticed you've been going to church a lot lately."
"Don't expose Jack to those lies!!"
"I'm so glad you've decided to walk the right path."
"Let me lend you this book about why Christianity is the only way."
"insert person's favorite Bible verse here"
Just a few of the comments I've gotten lately because *gasp!* I've chosen to go to church on Sundays and participate in a Ladies' Bible Study on Wednesdays. Uuugggghhhh. What is a private and personal journey has become something I have to discuss, at length, with almost everyone I know. Something I have to either defend or spend an eternity listening to how "right" I am... now. Because, before, I was apparently taking the side of Satan - headed down a path of evil, sure to quit this world in a fiery blaze, to suffer for all eternity. Some believe there is nothing beyond the life we are living. There's no greater power, there's no "magic book" to tell us right from wrong... Others believe the Christian Bible is the ONLY way, the ONLY truth. And a lot believe it's their duty to tell me how to believe. The one or two who love to throw Bible verses at me? Uhhhh, if I don't understand the context, it really has very little impact, besides the obvious feeling of being condescended to. Especially when I'm trying to have a real conversation with you about your thoughts/feelings - if you want to base your opinions on the verse and explain why you like it so much, that's awesome! I love that! But just throwing verses my way to explain why I'm wrong in a discussion wholly unrelated to religion?! Not so cool - and really not making me a fan of the Bible or your religion!
Luckily, most of the people at the church we've been attending for the past year haven't said anything more than "Hi! So happy to see you! How are you?" and the like. Which is EXACTLY what I love about them. I don't want or need to feel pressured. Obviously, if I'm at your church, I'm there to learn your perspective and beliefs so pressure is completely unnecessary.
And I do have friends who I ask to impart their knowledge and/or opinion. People I absolutely trust to listen and hear my heart - to give me a chance to explain or to learn before jumping all over me with why I'm the devil's seed.
Okay, enough about others. (For now, anyway.) I have always... let me repeat that... always believed in a higher power. I've never, ever claimed to be an atheist. However, I have always had doubts about Christianity. The whole Virgin Mary, Moses parting the Red Sea, Noah and the Ark, and other crazy stories in the Bible made it really, really easy to say, "Psh!!! What a bunch of crazies, believing in that crap!" And, to be fair, I have my share of doubts still. It just doesn't make sense, is all! Coming back from the dead?! Really? And Jesus?! That guy sounds like a cult leader, if I've ever heard one! (Which, come to think of it, I really have never heard a cult leader speak...)
Maybe those opinions have convinced others that I am a non-believer altogether. And that's why people are so very shocked and stunned that I (the apparent heathen?) am attending church regularly and going to a Bible study and praying for people, rather than sending them "happy thoughts." I mean, shocked and awed is seriously the reaction I've been getting! As if I've morphed into a completely different person. And, let me tell you, I have not. I am not as "boy-crazy" as I used to be - because I got married. I don't drink as much - because I am thirty-four and it freaking hurts the next day. (To be fair, would you ever have said I was a lush? No.) I don't cuss as much - because I am a mom and I find it tacky to hear a 4 year old drop the f-bomb all the time. (I also don't cuss as much because I'm around people who prefer not to hear that kind of language - so around them, I refrain. It's called respect. And boundaries.)
You will not find me preaching the Bible. You will not find me having any deep-down differences in morals, spirituality, or basic principles. I am still the same person I've always been - with a little more maturity and a lot less drama in my life.
Here are Jen's basic tenets for life:
I began going to church for several reasons. I heard a pastor on the radio and what he was saying just made sense. I don't remember the exact excerpt or even the subject but I remember the feeling: I felt uplifted. I felt his sermon could be applied to any person, of any religion. I felt a sense of strength and hope and... just rightness. Whatever it was he said, I remember thinking it wouldn't, couldn't, be a bad thing for our family. Going to church each Sunday is a way to make sure we are keeping in touch with our core values - maybe not Christian values, per se. But morality and unity for us.
We also went because we had friends who wanted us to come to their church. It was Easter Sunday. It seemed appropriate, for some reason. Wayne grew up Catholic. He has firm beliefs in God. I remember going to church once when I was a little girl. I remember my mom and stepdad talking about God - about how God loves everyone. And that "G-D" was the worst cuss word ever. Ha!
We stayed because, overall, we like the message. We like the pastor and the way he presents his sermons. We like the fellowship, the overall sense of peace and joy within those walls. There have been things that we do not - and never will - agree with.
Would I call myself a Christian? No. May I someday? Maybe. Part of me is afraid not to! But the bigger part of me resists being a hypocrite. Not only because there's no fooling God - He sees the heart of every man, after all. And I cannot honestly say that I believe everything in the Bible. I cannot say I believe that anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus will burn; that good, honest people who have faith in another version of the Christian God but with the same morals, same basic stories, same loving hearts will burn; that good, honest, loving people with no belief in in God but who live their lives with morality and heart are Satan's followers into hell. I can't believe it.
I'm pretty sure this is the most "offensive" thing I've ever written. Because I wrote it knowing it goes against what almost everyone I know believes in one way or another. The atheists, the Christians, and everyone in between. But I want to thank the people who support me while I look for the truth - as it applies to me and my life. I truly appreciate loving words of guidance, support, and acceptance. None of what I have written is aimed at anyone. I can understand and appreciate the questions and the offers - I simply wanted to explain it once and for all, as clearly as I can.
"Yeah, um... I noticed you've been going to church a lot lately."
"Don't expose Jack to those lies!!"
"I'm so glad you've decided to walk the right path."
"Let me lend you this book about why Christianity is the only way."
"insert person's favorite Bible verse here"
Just a few of the comments I've gotten lately because *gasp!* I've chosen to go to church on Sundays and participate in a Ladies' Bible Study on Wednesdays. Uuugggghhhh. What is a private and personal journey has become something I have to discuss, at length, with almost everyone I know. Something I have to either defend or spend an eternity listening to how "right" I am... now. Because, before, I was apparently taking the side of Satan - headed down a path of evil, sure to quit this world in a fiery blaze, to suffer for all eternity. Some believe there is nothing beyond the life we are living. There's no greater power, there's no "magic book" to tell us right from wrong... Others believe the Christian Bible is the ONLY way, the ONLY truth. And a lot believe it's their duty to tell me how to believe. The one or two who love to throw Bible verses at me? Uhhhh, if I don't understand the context, it really has very little impact, besides the obvious feeling of being condescended to. Especially when I'm trying to have a real conversation with you about your thoughts/feelings - if you want to base your opinions on the verse and explain why you like it so much, that's awesome! I love that! But just throwing verses my way to explain why I'm wrong in a discussion wholly unrelated to religion?! Not so cool - and really not making me a fan of the Bible or your religion!
Luckily, most of the people at the church we've been attending for the past year haven't said anything more than "Hi! So happy to see you! How are you?" and the like. Which is EXACTLY what I love about them. I don't want or need to feel pressured. Obviously, if I'm at your church, I'm there to learn your perspective and beliefs so pressure is completely unnecessary.
And I do have friends who I ask to impart their knowledge and/or opinion. People I absolutely trust to listen and hear my heart - to give me a chance to explain or to learn before jumping all over me with why I'm the devil's seed.
Okay, enough about others. (For now, anyway.) I have always... let me repeat that... always believed in a higher power. I've never, ever claimed to be an atheist. However, I have always had doubts about Christianity. The whole Virgin Mary, Moses parting the Red Sea, Noah and the Ark, and other crazy stories in the Bible made it really, really easy to say, "Psh!!! What a bunch of crazies, believing in that crap!" And, to be fair, I have my share of doubts still. It just doesn't make sense, is all! Coming back from the dead?! Really? And Jesus?! That guy sounds like a cult leader, if I've ever heard one! (Which, come to think of it, I really have never heard a cult leader speak...)
Maybe those opinions have convinced others that I am a non-believer altogether. And that's why people are so very shocked and stunned that I (the apparent heathen?) am attending church regularly and going to a Bible study and praying for people, rather than sending them "happy thoughts." I mean, shocked and awed is seriously the reaction I've been getting! As if I've morphed into a completely different person. And, let me tell you, I have not. I am not as "boy-crazy" as I used to be - because I got married. I don't drink as much - because I am thirty-four and it freaking hurts the next day. (To be fair, would you ever have said I was a lush? No.) I don't cuss as much - because I am a mom and I find it tacky to hear a 4 year old drop the f-bomb all the time. (I also don't cuss as much because I'm around people who prefer not to hear that kind of language - so around them, I refrain. It's called respect. And boundaries.)
You will not find me preaching the Bible. You will not find me having any deep-down differences in morals, spirituality, or basic principles. I am still the same person I've always been - with a little more maturity and a lot less drama in my life.
Here are Jen's basic tenets for life:
- I've always believed that love, above all things, is the key to happiness. Love for friends, love for family, love for a significant other, love for yourself, love for the world around you.
- I've always, always believed that you treat others how you'd like to be treated. That what you put out into the world will come back to you. If you want to call that Karma or Judgment Day, that's fine. I call it common freakin sense.
- I've always believed that there is something beautiful, magical and amazing in the world around us. Nature, specifically, but also man's gift for creating something out of nothing. Everything, in the proper perspective, is cause for awe. But mostly it's the way the earth is formed, the way the flora grows and the fauna lives. Call it God's hand or The Goddess's work... I don't care. I just respect it and appreciate it.
- Laugh as much as you can. Be around people who love you and respect you. Learn from everyone around you. Grow with each interaction and each day.
- Be honest. Be brave. Be the best person you can be. But mostly, be honest. With yourself, with others, with the way you live your life.
I began going to church for several reasons. I heard a pastor on the radio and what he was saying just made sense. I don't remember the exact excerpt or even the subject but I remember the feeling: I felt uplifted. I felt his sermon could be applied to any person, of any religion. I felt a sense of strength and hope and... just rightness. Whatever it was he said, I remember thinking it wouldn't, couldn't, be a bad thing for our family. Going to church each Sunday is a way to make sure we are keeping in touch with our core values - maybe not Christian values, per se. But morality and unity for us.
We also went because we had friends who wanted us to come to their church. It was Easter Sunday. It seemed appropriate, for some reason. Wayne grew up Catholic. He has firm beliefs in God. I remember going to church once when I was a little girl. I remember my mom and stepdad talking about God - about how God loves everyone. And that "G-D" was the worst cuss word ever. Ha!
We stayed because, overall, we like the message. We like the pastor and the way he presents his sermons. We like the fellowship, the overall sense of peace and joy within those walls. There have been things that we do not - and never will - agree with.
Would I call myself a Christian? No. May I someday? Maybe. Part of me is afraid not to! But the bigger part of me resists being a hypocrite. Not only because there's no fooling God - He sees the heart of every man, after all. And I cannot honestly say that I believe everything in the Bible. I cannot say I believe that anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus will burn; that good, honest people who have faith in another version of the Christian God but with the same morals, same basic stories, same loving hearts will burn; that good, honest, loving people with no belief in in God but who live their lives with morality and heart are Satan's followers into hell. I can't believe it.
I'm pretty sure this is the most "offensive" thing I've ever written. Because I wrote it knowing it goes against what almost everyone I know believes in one way or another. The atheists, the Christians, and everyone in between. But I want to thank the people who support me while I look for the truth - as it applies to me and my life. I truly appreciate loving words of guidance, support, and acceptance. None of what I have written is aimed at anyone. I can understand and appreciate the questions and the offers - I simply wanted to explain it once and for all, as clearly as I can.
Friday, February 25, 2011
I'm awesome
But I suck at keeping up with the blog. Lots, lots, lots going on - super stressed but can't form coherent thought to put it all out there just yet. Just keep us in your thoughts and if you pray, your prayers. Thanks!!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
STRESS
Stress is - pardon my French - quite the fucking bitch. I am overwhelmingly stressed. To the point of being unable to make simple decisions - like, what laundry should be washed next. I am alternating between spacing out, being all out cranky, and crying. I'm sure Wayne is waiting for my head to start spinning, Linda Blair style.
Don't expect a lot out of this blog, btw. It's kind of a random, stream of consciousness thing. More for me than you...
See, my mom's back in the hospital. She spent 10 days here - sleeping mostly on my love seat, dozing day and night, sitting up. She has countless medical issues - lung disease (at one point she said emphysema, but then COPD - of which emphysema is categorized - but we aren't sure; definitely asthma and chronic bronchitis), degenerative hip and disc disease, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, borderline personality disorder, panic disorder, PTSD, clinical depression... It's a long, long list. (You should see my medical forms!!) On top of all of that, mom decided to have lap band surgery (it was supposed to "cure" her diabetes and help with the back/hip pain). So she's supposed to only eat 4 ounces of food. And she's sick to her stomach all.the.time.
Now, here's where I get judgy and, most likely, am a bad daughter. She eats the most horrible things - given that she's diabetic and had lap band. Like, seriously. Chocolate cake and a bottled Starbucks frap for breakfast. Cheetos and Cheez-Its. Ramen soup. Sure, she had a salad here and there, but really, it's all about the carbs.
Plus, she almost always has this terrible cough that she says is allergies. But it's not. Dude. You can HEAR her wheezing. And then she can't lie down to sleep because she coughs so bad. But she can't sit up because her back hurts. So, her idea is to smoke. Cigarettes. All the time. ALL. THE. TIME. She literally checked her watch to be sure she was smoking half a cigarette every half hour. While she was coughing her lungs up.
Do you know how HARD it is to watch someone kill themselves that way? I mean, yeah, we all know that smoking kills but this is actually happening right in front of my face. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. If I try to talk to her about it, she says her doctor told her to continue smoking. (Which, if it's true, he should definitely lose his license.) Or she becomes defensive and mean (part of that borderline personality disorder thing). Or she has a panic attack from the ensuing argument.
This is a place where I can say what I want and have no repercussions, right? (HAHAHAHA!!!) Well, she was in and out of mental hospitals for over 5 years - for suicidal thoughts and depression. I moved to California because I thought she was going to kill herself and leave my little sister and stepdad to fend for themselves. And because she was in the hospital so much I wanted to help out with my sister.
I honestly thought I was ready for her to die at anytime. Not like "Oh, sure, go ahead and do it." But more, "Okay, it always seems to be on the verge of happening so I won't be taken by surprise."
But she's in the hospital - 2 days after leaving here - with double pneumonia and God knows what else and I'm not ready. I mean, maybe I'm being dramatic and overreacting but when someone with that many health issues is that sick and not getting better... What else am I supposed to think? Especially me - a recovering over-thinker. (Definitely relapsing here!!!)
What helps me is information. And control, but I know I can't have that right now. To self-analyze, I'm suffering from control and anxiety issues - which generally go hand in hand, anyway, right? There's nothing I can do but pray and hope and wish and send as much love and positive energy as humanly possible.
Don't expect a lot out of this blog, btw. It's kind of a random, stream of consciousness thing. More for me than you...
See, my mom's back in the hospital. She spent 10 days here - sleeping mostly on my love seat, dozing day and night, sitting up. She has countless medical issues - lung disease (at one point she said emphysema, but then COPD - of which emphysema is categorized - but we aren't sure; definitely asthma and chronic bronchitis), degenerative hip and disc disease, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, borderline personality disorder, panic disorder, PTSD, clinical depression... It's a long, long list. (You should see my medical forms!!) On top of all of that, mom decided to have lap band surgery (it was supposed to "cure" her diabetes and help with the back/hip pain). So she's supposed to only eat 4 ounces of food. And she's sick to her stomach all.the.time.
Now, here's where I get judgy and, most likely, am a bad daughter. She eats the most horrible things - given that she's diabetic and had lap band. Like, seriously. Chocolate cake and a bottled Starbucks frap for breakfast. Cheetos and Cheez-Its. Ramen soup. Sure, she had a salad here and there, but really, it's all about the carbs.
Plus, she almost always has this terrible cough that she says is allergies. But it's not. Dude. You can HEAR her wheezing. And then she can't lie down to sleep because she coughs so bad. But she can't sit up because her back hurts. So, her idea is to smoke. Cigarettes. All the time. ALL. THE. TIME. She literally checked her watch to be sure she was smoking half a cigarette every half hour. While she was coughing her lungs up.
Do you know how HARD it is to watch someone kill themselves that way? I mean, yeah, we all know that smoking kills but this is actually happening right in front of my face. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. If I try to talk to her about it, she says her doctor told her to continue smoking. (Which, if it's true, he should definitely lose his license.) Or she becomes defensive and mean (part of that borderline personality disorder thing). Or she has a panic attack from the ensuing argument.
This is a place where I can say what I want and have no repercussions, right? (HAHAHAHA!!!) Well, she was in and out of mental hospitals for over 5 years - for suicidal thoughts and depression. I moved to California because I thought she was going to kill herself and leave my little sister and stepdad to fend for themselves. And because she was in the hospital so much I wanted to help out with my sister.
I honestly thought I was ready for her to die at anytime. Not like "Oh, sure, go ahead and do it." But more, "Okay, it always seems to be on the verge of happening so I won't be taken by surprise."
But she's in the hospital - 2 days after leaving here - with double pneumonia and God knows what else and I'm not ready. I mean, maybe I'm being dramatic and overreacting but when someone with that many health issues is that sick and not getting better... What else am I supposed to think? Especially me - a recovering over-thinker. (Definitely relapsing here!!!)
What helps me is information. And control, but I know I can't have that right now. To self-analyze, I'm suffering from control and anxiety issues - which generally go hand in hand, anyway, right? There's nothing I can do but pray and hope and wish and send as much love and positive energy as humanly possible.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Oh crap... not again.
My blog is a place where I feel I can be honest. Not in a baring my soul kind of way. Because, let's face it, my parents might read this. My sisters read this. (Or maybe they don't anymore since I started a separate blog about the one they really care about - my kid.) My in-laws, friends, FB friends, etc. read this. So, no, I don't get into the nitty gritty like I would if say, this were an incognito blog and you were a bunch of strangers that I'd never ever have to face. (Ironic but you know it's so true!!) I do sometimes get carried away and probably reveal too much, though.
Anywho... I, obviously, do not want to have the same health issues as my mom. She has a ton. To name a few: diabetes, degenerative disc disease, rheumatoid arthritis, emphysema, chronic bronchitis. That doesn't even begin to cover her various mental health issues. (No, I don't feel bad saying any of this, btw. She is very open about her medical issues.)
Funnily enough, anytime I get anything that is remotely like any of her issues, I immediately start worrying. Crap. I have bronchitis. Is it chronic? Do I have emphysema? Am I going to get diabetes and arthritis, too? What if I get the degenerative disc disease? I don't want to deal with that much pain. You get the idea. Then, I call or text my sister. Today, it went like this:
Me: F*$%. I feel like I'm turning into Mom. I have another cough that's prob bronchitis. :(
Her: Do u still smoke?
Me: Just quit... Again. Lol. I wasn't smoking, then I started again around Thanksgiving. Quit last weekend.
Her: Well that should help...
I love how she points out that I've been smoking. And I have. I do quit. For months at a time. With no problem. But then something will happen and I'll get to smoking again. Not during the day, when Jack is awake and running around, but at night, outside. In specially designated "smoking clothes" that I don't wear around Jack. Ridic, right?!?! I shouldn't smoke at all! (Confession? I actually started smoking earlier than Thanksgiving but I feel like it started getting out of control around then. Like going from 3-5 per night to 10 or so per night. Which is soooooo bad for me.)
But what I really wanted was reassurance that I'm not my mother. I don't want to be my father, either, for that matter. Or anyone else. Just myself. I think that's a fairly common thing amongst people my age. Especially once we have kids. Like, suddenly, we feel we're morphing into our parents. Even if we love our parents and think they were the best people in the world, do we really want to be carbon copies? Do we want to be exactly like them? And does anyone in their mid-thirties still have that idealized picture of their parents that makes them want be like that? Or have we all dealt with the fact that Mom and Dad are humans. They have their faults, they make mistakes, and they did what they thought was best. So, no, we don't want to make the same mistakes.
But back to me - I don't want to be my mother, yet I have this damn cough that I get more frequently as I get older and I keep going back to the damn smoking. So, this is me. Stating for the world (or all 12 of you) that I'm done smoking. If I screw up, I'll post it. I'll cop to it. It won't be the hardest thing in my life because I'm not around smoking much. But it won't be easy when I am around it, either.
And now, I'll be back at the doctor tomorrow. For this cough that is by turns dry and annoying or phlegmy and painful. My inhaler hasn't done much to ease the chest pain for more than 30 minutes or so. And I'm damn tired of getting this crap. But at least it's not back pain or panic attacks, right? And a cough definitely does not make me my mother.
Anywho... I, obviously, do not want to have the same health issues as my mom. She has a ton. To name a few: diabetes, degenerative disc disease, rheumatoid arthritis, emphysema, chronic bronchitis. That doesn't even begin to cover her various mental health issues. (No, I don't feel bad saying any of this, btw. She is very open about her medical issues.)
Funnily enough, anytime I get anything that is remotely like any of her issues, I immediately start worrying. Crap. I have bronchitis. Is it chronic? Do I have emphysema? Am I going to get diabetes and arthritis, too? What if I get the degenerative disc disease? I don't want to deal with that much pain. You get the idea. Then, I call or text my sister. Today, it went like this:
Me: F*$%. I feel like I'm turning into Mom. I have another cough that's prob bronchitis. :(
Her: Do u still smoke?
Me: Just quit... Again. Lol. I wasn't smoking, then I started again around Thanksgiving. Quit last weekend.
Her: Well that should help...
I love how she points out that I've been smoking. And I have. I do quit. For months at a time. With no problem. But then something will happen and I'll get to smoking again. Not during the day, when Jack is awake and running around, but at night, outside. In specially designated "smoking clothes" that I don't wear around Jack. Ridic, right?!?! I shouldn't smoke at all! (Confession? I actually started smoking earlier than Thanksgiving but I feel like it started getting out of control around then. Like going from 3-5 per night to 10 or so per night. Which is soooooo bad for me.)
But what I really wanted was reassurance that I'm not my mother. I don't want to be my father, either, for that matter. Or anyone else. Just myself. I think that's a fairly common thing amongst people my age. Especially once we have kids. Like, suddenly, we feel we're morphing into our parents. Even if we love our parents and think they were the best people in the world, do we really want to be carbon copies? Do we want to be exactly like them? And does anyone in their mid-thirties still have that idealized picture of their parents that makes them want be like that? Or have we all dealt with the fact that Mom and Dad are humans. They have their faults, they make mistakes, and they did what they thought was best. So, no, we don't want to make the same mistakes.
But back to me - I don't want to be my mother, yet I have this damn cough that I get more frequently as I get older and I keep going back to the damn smoking. So, this is me. Stating for the world (or all 12 of you) that I'm done smoking. If I screw up, I'll post it. I'll cop to it. It won't be the hardest thing in my life because I'm not around smoking much. But it won't be easy when I am around it, either.
And now, I'll be back at the doctor tomorrow. For this cough that is by turns dry and annoying or phlegmy and painful. My inhaler hasn't done much to ease the chest pain for more than 30 minutes or so. And I'm damn tired of getting this crap. But at least it's not back pain or panic attacks, right? And a cough definitely does not make me my mother.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My friends... are the BEST friends... seriously. Your friends aren't as cool as mine.
I am not very good at verbally expressing love and gratitude. I'm conscious of it. I think about how much I love my friends and how grateful I am for their input, their jokes and stories, their trust and compassion. The way this one laughs with all her being or the way that one just tells it like it is. How she taught me to quit taking every damn thing so personally - a lesson that's helped me tremendously over the past 6 years. How she is so beautifully artistic in every single thing she does. How I feel loved and special and happy in their presences. It's a beautiful thing. (Sometimes, it's an ugly thing but that's only when Pepsi shoots out of noses all over pizza. And, in it's way, still frickin GORGEOUS.)
What I have a problem with is verbalizing it all. Just saying, "Hey - I appreciate you and love you and think xyz about you," is a tough, tough thing for me. I feel corny and insincere and... dumb. And overly emotional. Plus, when do you do something like that? Randomly, over lunch? Just call her up and be all gushy? (Okay, there's one friend who'd probably love it. The rest would ask me what I've been smoking.) I try sending cards but that doesn't really convey my true feelings. And it's rare that I remember to do it.
Then there are my friends that I don't see very often. Not the long distance ones, either. (Though you COULD call/write/visit every once in a while!) I'm talking about my friends that live here in town and we haven't done a playdate for 3 months or so. We all have super busy lives and things get crazy so we end up not seeing one another for such a long time. Then, I start feeling guilty about being out of the loop for so long. And life gets all up in my way - Jack gets sick, I get sick, things break, the dog needs to go to the vet, my mom is coming to visit. And sometimes, I just want to be alone. I'm sure all the moms out there can relate to those times when you feel as if everyone has just been in.your.face.all.week.long. The kid, the dog, the husband... So some peace and quiet and aloneness is all you really want.
But my point is this:
Dear Friend,
I seriously think you're awesome and I love hanging out with you. Life sometimes gets in the way and I find myself completely overbooked and overwhelmed and don't make time for you like I should. But please don't think that has anything to do with how I feel about you. I want to see you and hear all about whatever is new, exciting or crappy in your life. Please, please don't give up on me. I really am trying.
Love,
Jen
(Aka your craptastic friend who never makes time for you)
What I have a problem with is verbalizing it all. Just saying, "Hey - I appreciate you and love you and think xyz about you," is a tough, tough thing for me. I feel corny and insincere and... dumb. And overly emotional. Plus, when do you do something like that? Randomly, over lunch? Just call her up and be all gushy? (Okay, there's one friend who'd probably love it. The rest would ask me what I've been smoking.) I try sending cards but that doesn't really convey my true feelings. And it's rare that I remember to do it.
Then there are my friends that I don't see very often. Not the long distance ones, either. (Though you COULD call/write/visit every once in a while!) I'm talking about my friends that live here in town and we haven't done a playdate for 3 months or so. We all have super busy lives and things get crazy so we end up not seeing one another for such a long time. Then, I start feeling guilty about being out of the loop for so long. And life gets all up in my way - Jack gets sick, I get sick, things break, the dog needs to go to the vet, my mom is coming to visit. And sometimes, I just want to be alone. I'm sure all the moms out there can relate to those times when you feel as if everyone has just been in.your.face.all.week.long. The kid, the dog, the husband... So some peace and quiet and aloneness is all you really want.
But my point is this:
Dear Friend,
I seriously think you're awesome and I love hanging out with you. Life sometimes gets in the way and I find myself completely overbooked and overwhelmed and don't make time for you like I should. But please don't think that has anything to do with how I feel about you. I want to see you and hear all about whatever is new, exciting or crappy in your life. Please, please don't give up on me. I really am trying.
Love,
Jen
(Aka your craptastic friend who never makes time for you)
Monday, January 17, 2011
Last week...
I totally meant to blog at least once a week this year. Week one? Score! Week two? Awwww, fail!! Haha. I mean, how does the week go by so quickly? One minute, I'm looking at the date and thinking, "Oh, it's only Sunday. I have all week to prepare and write a blog." (Yeah, that's right. I was going to do actual research and blog about something! Rather than the whole stream of consciousness, whatever pops into my head kind of blog I generally do.) Then, I wake up today and it's Monday. Of the following week. And I've not blogged. Oh well! I'll just have to blog twice this week!
So, last week, I did pretty well on my resolutions. Except the part where I was going to tackle the reorganization. The shooting, stabbing pains down my left leg from a pinched sciatic nerve kinda got in the way. I know what you're thinking - "Absolutely no excuse!! You promised us organization - we want organization!!" Settle down. I went through a few things on the piled up desk. I took back some "to be returned" items that had piled up. And I got our yearly budget all worked out. That's organizing, right? As for the standing up for myself, not being bogged down with other people's shit, and working towards a better me, I did pretty well. Yay!
This week, I've got cleaning/organizing while the boys are at school/work Tuesday, women's bible study Wednesday morning, Power Yoga with Carly at TimeOut Yoga Wednesday night, and my session with Cathe Thursday morning. Not to mention journaling, working on my memory verses for the 2011 Siesta Sister Memory Verse, and all the other wife/mommy things I do. It's a full week and I am so looking forward to it!!
As for other things in our lives... oh, where to begin. Hmmm. Well, Wayne finally got his smoker. See, I bought him one for Christmas but being an emotional gifter, I didn't do much in the way of research and didn't realize I'd bought him the worst smoker ever. Not only did it miss most of the main features he wanted, but it also was missing parts. As in, nuts, bolts, and other pieces that are necessary for construction. Which we attempted, much to the amusement of Kel and Gaby, on New Year's Eve. Wayne and I constructing a cast-iron smoker (about the size of a decent gas grill), with faulty instructions and missing pieces is truly sitcom fodder - proving Kel's theory that being at our house is like being in the middle of a sitcom. But! We returned the defective piece of junk and purchased a Brinkman from WalMart. The new one was super easy to construct - less than 30 minutes - but offered very little in the way of sitcom type escapades.
Today, Wayne is smoking a 12 lb brisket. He made his own dry rub last night, wrapped the brisket in about 2 miles of cellophane, and let it marinate. Up at 6 a.m., he got it started. I am amazed at his dedication. 6 a.m. is not commonly acceptable in our home. We give 6 a.m. the finger and go back to sleep most days. This amount of determination will surely result in a delectable treat! Especially since he's a fantastic cook to begin with.
Yesterday, we spent an entirely futile day in Tucson, shopping for a new bed. Not new bedroom furniture. Not a mattress or box springs. Just the bed. Because, sometime after 12 Saturday night, ours broke. Actually, it broke on Monday. We heard a loud CRACK! So, we jumped out of bed, looked for any signs of breakage and climbed back in after finding nothing. Then, lying there Saturday night, Wayne asks why I'm tapping on the headboard. Me? I thought that was you? Staring each other down, trying to figure out the logical explanation, I suddenly feel the entire top corner of my side slide down toward the floor. Again, commence the jumping out of bed. The side support had snapped and then waited 5 days to actually fall apart. So we took the whole thing apart, put the box springs and mattress on the floor and went to sleep. After looking at about 597 beds, we've decided to just buy a metal frame until we can save up and buy a whole new suite. Nothing we found was cost effective enough to warrant having something that doesn't match the rest of the furniture and would drive.me.crazy. with the clashing. I'd rather have nothing than something that looks crazy. (And besides, we don't truly love our current set.)
For now, I'm off to tackle laundry and find the perfect side dishes to accompany Wayne's sure to be delish smoked brisket.
So, last week, I did pretty well on my resolutions. Except the part where I was going to tackle the reorganization. The shooting, stabbing pains down my left leg from a pinched sciatic nerve kinda got in the way. I know what you're thinking - "Absolutely no excuse!! You promised us organization - we want organization!!" Settle down. I went through a few things on the piled up desk. I took back some "to be returned" items that had piled up. And I got our yearly budget all worked out. That's organizing, right? As for the standing up for myself, not being bogged down with other people's shit, and working towards a better me, I did pretty well. Yay!
This week, I've got cleaning/organizing while the boys are at school/work Tuesday, women's bible study Wednesday morning, Power Yoga with Carly at TimeOut Yoga Wednesday night, and my session with Cathe Thursday morning. Not to mention journaling, working on my memory verses for the 2011 Siesta Sister Memory Verse, and all the other wife/mommy things I do. It's a full week and I am so looking forward to it!!
As for other things in our lives... oh, where to begin. Hmmm. Well, Wayne finally got his smoker. See, I bought him one for Christmas but being an emotional gifter, I didn't do much in the way of research and didn't realize I'd bought him the worst smoker ever. Not only did it miss most of the main features he wanted, but it also was missing parts. As in, nuts, bolts, and other pieces that are necessary for construction. Which we attempted, much to the amusement of Kel and Gaby, on New Year's Eve. Wayne and I constructing a cast-iron smoker (about the size of a decent gas grill), with faulty instructions and missing pieces is truly sitcom fodder - proving Kel's theory that being at our house is like being in the middle of a sitcom. But! We returned the defective piece of junk and purchased a Brinkman from WalMart. The new one was super easy to construct - less than 30 minutes - but offered very little in the way of sitcom type escapades.
Today, Wayne is smoking a 12 lb brisket. He made his own dry rub last night, wrapped the brisket in about 2 miles of cellophane, and let it marinate. Up at 6 a.m., he got it started. I am amazed at his dedication. 6 a.m. is not commonly acceptable in our home. We give 6 a.m. the finger and go back to sleep most days. This amount of determination will surely result in a delectable treat! Especially since he's a fantastic cook to begin with.
Yesterday, we spent an entirely futile day in Tucson, shopping for a new bed. Not new bedroom furniture. Not a mattress or box springs. Just the bed. Because, sometime after 12 Saturday night, ours broke. Actually, it broke on Monday. We heard a loud CRACK! So, we jumped out of bed, looked for any signs of breakage and climbed back in after finding nothing. Then, lying there Saturday night, Wayne asks why I'm tapping on the headboard. Me? I thought that was you? Staring each other down, trying to figure out the logical explanation, I suddenly feel the entire top corner of my side slide down toward the floor. Again, commence the jumping out of bed. The side support had snapped and then waited 5 days to actually fall apart. So we took the whole thing apart, put the box springs and mattress on the floor and went to sleep. After looking at about 597 beds, we've decided to just buy a metal frame until we can save up and buy a whole new suite. Nothing we found was cost effective enough to warrant having something that doesn't match the rest of the furniture and would drive.me.crazy. with the clashing. I'd rather have nothing than something that looks crazy. (And besides, we don't truly love our current set.)
For now, I'm off to tackle laundry and find the perfect side dishes to accompany Wayne's sure to be delish smoked brisket.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Self improvement
Uggghhhh!!! Hokey!! New Year's Resolutions!! Blech, blerg, blum. I'm not sure what blum is but it popped out so there ya go.
Of course, I'm doing some rethinking, refocusing and reorganizing now. It's the beginning of a new year; the best, most symbolic time to reinvent. To start with a clean slate. I've got some serious changes to make - both internal and external. I've been working with this amazing counselor on why I consistently do things that negatively impact my life. Things such as remaining in relationships that have become toxic. Not going to the gym when it'd be soooo good for me, physically and emotionally. Letting people take advantage of me. Not saying, "Hey - that SUCKED when you did XYZ and now I'm hurt and upset." Allowing myself to feel bad, sad, mad, upset, stressed, what-have-you about other people's shit. And it's not just about other people - it's about why I want to get organized, get fit, DO things and simply... don't.
I'm making progress. It's hard. Harder than I thought. Here I'm thinking I'm a pretty upfront kind of person - emotionally in touch with my innermost self... and I'm not!!! I hold back when I should stand up for myself. For fear of making waves. Of rocking the boat. For fear of other people's reactions - also known as other people's shit. Apparently, I'm not as forgiving as I thought, either. Probably because I finally AM taking a stand and not allowing people to treat me in any other fashion that I'd treat them. Huh. How novel an idea!! To expect from others what I expect from myself! Wow!
Anywho... this year, I'm taking on some projects that will externally express my desire for less internal chaos. First, I'm going to organize the hell out of this house. The clutter will no longer be an issue because there won't be a single thing that comes into this house that doesn't have a specific place. I'm taking control of the external chaos. That's right - this house will be my bitch.
Secondly, to further my enlightenment, I've signed on for a challenge. It's the 2011 Siesta Scripture Memory Team challenge to memorize 24 Bible verses in 12 months. It's a great way for me to A)remember that there's something bigger than me out there, B)become more in tune with my current emotions and how to address different issues, and C)challenge my bored, slow brain. There's definitely nothing wrong with inserting a little divinity into my life!!!
Thirdly, I am taking back control of our finances. Not that anyone took control of them from me. More that I relinquished control and they got out of control. Paying off bills, finding the best deals on the things we need/want, building up that "emergency savings account" we've had forever, saving up for vacations/Christmas/etc. Being in control of our finances will go a long way toward reducing stress and...
That's a big theme for this year. Living in the now, focusing on the good things/people in my life, not allowing anyone to treat me with any less than I deserve. In short, 2011 will be The Year of Bliss around here!!! Wishing all of you the best year ever and the chutzpah to go after your dreams, goals and wishes.
Of course, I'm doing some rethinking, refocusing and reorganizing now. It's the beginning of a new year; the best, most symbolic time to reinvent. To start with a clean slate. I've got some serious changes to make - both internal and external. I've been working with this amazing counselor on why I consistently do things that negatively impact my life. Things such as remaining in relationships that have become toxic. Not going to the gym when it'd be soooo good for me, physically and emotionally. Letting people take advantage of me. Not saying, "Hey - that SUCKED when you did XYZ and now I'm hurt and upset." Allowing myself to feel bad, sad, mad, upset, stressed, what-have-you about other people's shit. And it's not just about other people - it's about why I want to get organized, get fit, DO things and simply... don't.
I'm making progress. It's hard. Harder than I thought. Here I'm thinking I'm a pretty upfront kind of person - emotionally in touch with my innermost self... and I'm not!!! I hold back when I should stand up for myself. For fear of making waves. Of rocking the boat. For fear of other people's reactions - also known as other people's shit. Apparently, I'm not as forgiving as I thought, either. Probably because I finally AM taking a stand and not allowing people to treat me in any other fashion that I'd treat them. Huh. How novel an idea!! To expect from others what I expect from myself! Wow!
Anywho... this year, I'm taking on some projects that will externally express my desire for less internal chaos. First, I'm going to organize the hell out of this house. The clutter will no longer be an issue because there won't be a single thing that comes into this house that doesn't have a specific place. I'm taking control of the external chaos. That's right - this house will be my bitch.
Secondly, to further my enlightenment, I've signed on for a challenge. It's the 2011 Siesta Scripture Memory Team challenge to memorize 24 Bible verses in 12 months. It's a great way for me to A)remember that there's something bigger than me out there, B)become more in tune with my current emotions and how to address different issues, and C)challenge my bored, slow brain. There's definitely nothing wrong with inserting a little divinity into my life!!!
Thirdly, I am taking back control of our finances. Not that anyone took control of them from me. More that I relinquished control and they got out of control. Paying off bills, finding the best deals on the things we need/want, building up that "emergency savings account" we've had forever, saving up for vacations/Christmas/etc. Being in control of our finances will go a long way toward reducing stress and...
That's a big theme for this year. Living in the now, focusing on the good things/people in my life, not allowing anyone to treat me with any less than I deserve. In short, 2011 will be The Year of Bliss around here!!! Wishing all of you the best year ever and the chutzpah to go after your dreams, goals and wishes.
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