Wow. I've been blogging on myspace for a while now but never realized I'd be nervous... actually nervous... to start a "real blog." I guess it's bc it feels more exposed and available. On myspace, I limit who sees my blogs. Not that I think everyone in the world will be reading this RIGHT NOW. That'd be crazy. And I may be heading toward crazy but I'm not there yet. Just feels risky to expose my innermost thoughts and fears this way. But an outlet is needed and in current times, this seems to be the easiest one. I could buy a notebook and write a diary... or type a private one on MS Word... maybe I'm seeking affirmation of some sort? Want others to read this and agree with me? Or tell me I'm freaking crazy and seek immediate professional help? (BTW - if you're reading this and you get to the end and decide YOU should be the one to offer the comment that sends me into therapy, just don't. I don't respond well to criticism and won't go based on a stranger's opinion... So, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything! And if you don't like my blog, then don't read it, for crying out loud.)
So... guess I should state a purpose of some sort. That seems to be the trend. Well, my purpose in writing this blog is an outlet for the random emotional, crazy, scary, real thoughts that cross my mind. A place to write and write and, hopefully, be heard. Bc let's be honest... anyone who writes a blog is seeking attention, right? Even if they only want their close friends and family to read it as an update, it's still for the purpose of getting attention.
My life is not special. I've not had any major triumphs, failures, or tragedies. I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend. I try very hard - probably too hard - to be a good friend. I'm (egotistic as it sounds) naturally a good mom - I don't really have to try that hard. Not that I'm Mom of the Year - I don't teach him much art or music or anything like that. I just let him be a kid while guiding him to be a good person: polite, respectful, strong, good to others. I also don't try that hard to be a good wife... it just kind of happens that my husband and I are well-suited and communicative and love each other very very much. I am who I am with my sisters - sometimes I have to try harder, but mostly I just love them so it comes naturally. As for my aptitude at being a good daughter, I don't know that I really am. I tried for a long time to be everything to my mom and it landed me in therapy. How cliched, right? I have issues with all of my parents - my mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom and new stepmom. (Yes, it's confusing and probably a story for another day.) I tend to be judgemental of them, to hold them to a higher standard than they could ever possibly achieve. Perhaps I expect too much or perhaps they've settled for too little. I am trying to see them as people who make mistakes but when those mistakes affect me, and now my son, it's hard. It's hard not to say, "Why? Why are you so selfish? Why don't you care how this hurts me?" Self-centered of me, I guess, to expect them to constantly care about how their actions reflect on me. More therapy needed to overcome this false expectation??
Anyway... I'm feeling... neglected, dejected, and a bit depressed. Not by my wonderful, amazing, perfect (for me) husband. I've never had a closer friend. Never felt so secure and safe as I do with him. He loves me and will never stop. It's apparent in our everyday lives that we are, as friends will bear witness to, perfect for one another. (Again, that's for another day.)
I keep thinking this neglect is coming from my friends. They've gotten busy and don't have time for me. Friends whom I moved away from, who profess their love on the rare occasions I've seen them are so rarely available that it creates an ache in my heart to even hear or see their names. The smallest reminders are little nicks on my soul. Friends that are nearby and too busy to be bothered with me are everyday niggles of fear and doubt - why don't they care? what did I do wrong? are we really friends like they say? can I trust her?
All so very very self-centered and egotistical. Because it can't possibly be that they are simply BUSY. With husbands, children, houses, lives... Though, some of them can be held at fault - it's simply not right to almost completely abandon a friendship after months of being joined at the hip. I try to be understanding and not a complete psycho, stalker, clingy kind of person...
What I realized today is my feelings of neglect and melancholy have very little, if anything, to do with my friends being unavailable. It's because I have been neglecting myself. I keep saying I want to be healthy. I joined a gym, I had 20 sessions with an AMAZING personal trainer, I went to the doctor and practically forced him to give me meds that could help me lose weight.* The one thing I have flat out refused to do: make a permanent change in my diet. Oh, I'll proclaim to one and all that I eat "lean meats, whole grains, fruits and veggies." And I do... (Okay, maybe not as much fruit anymore. Not sure why, just haven't lately.) but I continue to eat chips, dips, popcorn laden with butter, nachos, fried chicken tenders, giant Chili's burgers with bacon and fried onions and french fries with ranch... I DON'T EAT WELL. I am a hypocrite and a liar and I've been fooling MYSELF. Which is the hardest, most honest, most embarrassing admission. And I'm not sure if it's made me feel better or worse.
*I have been diagnosed with PCOS, which causes weight gain.
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