It's just a few days from the 9 month anniversary of Rachael's death. I'm feeling so much better. Nothing really happened to turn it around. Just living my life - it's hard to stay depressed when I have my amazing little family and great friends.
Of course, I'll always carry a sadness with me. And I worry about my parents and my sister. Especially around the holidays. My mom's struggle is... heart breaking. Everytime. I can't imagine what it is to be her. But I feel a weight has been lifted from my heart. I'm feeling more and more like me. I realized it on a regular, nothing special Saturday - when I recognized I had been laughing all day long. Over nothing and everything. I felt lighter and happier. And blessed.
The one lingering issue is what some would call a PTSD kind of thing. My mind goes from fine to fatal, drastic emergency over the slightest of things. My husband complains about work and I am terrified he'll get fired. My boss flew out of town on business and when I came into work the next day, she didn't send me her usual email... she didn't answer her phone... in my head, I began to think her plane had crashed and what would I do? Someone has a family emergency or cries and I think someone died. Phone ringing in the middle of the night? Panic.
Obviously it can all be traced back to that phone call in the middle of the night that changed everything. But how do I overcome it? I mean, I'm not freaking out and crying or anything, but it'd be nice to not even have these thoughts of imminent disaster all the time. Hell, I've even found myself worrying about falling down on the way to work. (Admittedly, it did happen about a month ago and I'm still somewhat recovering, but to think of it as often as I do is weird. Who thinks about how NOT to fall down with every step?? Me.)
I'm sure it'll just take time. Everything does. Until then, I'll keep laughing. And praying.
