I tried looking for an online group to do this. I wasn't sure I wanted people I know to read this. To know this part of me. But I just couldn't let strangers in, either. No one who has ever experienced this kind of pain - be it through grief or depression - could ever take this personally. I hope no one will. It's an expression of my pain and grief. It's about my own demons.
It's been six months since my sister died of an overdose. Since she broke our hearts. And it quite literally feels like she's broken mine. I'm on 2 different types of medicines to keep my blood pressure and heart rate at a normal level. I can't walk half a mile without losing my breath. My heart flip flops in my chest when I feel stressed or upset. She wanted to get high and she died. And now I feel like I might die.
I'm pissed off at everyone and everything. I try hard not to be. I really do. It's no one's fault. Definitely not mine or my friends' or the worlds'. And it's not all the time. It's not even most of the time. But sometimes, I get irrationally, unbelievably pissed off for no reason at all. When someone asks me what I mean by "it's been a hard year." When I forget for one second that my sister is gone, forever. When I forget in a moment of busyness or happiness that my mom and JD will never, ever, ever be the same; will never recover from this pain and heartache. That none of us got the chance to say goodbye; and never should have had to.
Part of me hates the pity and the I'm-sorries. Part of me feels like nearly everyone else has forgotten. I hate putting it out there - all this pain and anger and negativity. But, if I keep it in, what happens to me? So much now, I feel myself closing off. Pushing away people who try to be there for me; all while being so outraged by the people who haven't been. I am a writhing mass of conflicting emotions. As hard as it is for me, at least I know I'm a mess. But for those closest to me, how do they deal with it when I barely can? How can anyone understand my moods when I can barely recognize them myself?
