"Yeah, um... I noticed you've been going to church a lot lately."
"Don't expose Jack to those lies!!"
"I'm so glad you've decided to walk the right path."
"Let me lend you this book about why Christianity is the only way."
"insert person's favorite Bible verse here"
Just a few of the comments I've gotten lately because *gasp!* I've chosen to go to church on Sundays and participate in a Ladies' Bible Study on Wednesdays. Uuugggghhhh. What is a private and personal journey has become something I have to discuss, at length, with almost everyone I know. Something I have to either defend or spend an eternity listening to how "right" I am... now. Because, before, I was apparently taking the side of Satan - headed down a path of evil, sure to quit this world in a fiery blaze, to suffer for all eternity. Some believe there is nothing beyond the life we are living. There's no greater power, there's no "magic book" to tell us right from wrong... Others believe the Christian Bible is the ONLY way, the ONLY truth. And a lot believe it's their duty to tell me how to believe. The one or two who love to throw Bible verses at me? Uhhhh, if I don't understand the context, it really has very little impact, besides the obvious feeling of being condescended to. Especially when I'm trying to have a real conversation with you about your thoughts/feelings - if you want to base your opinions on the verse and explain why you like it so much, that's awesome! I love that! But just throwing verses my way to explain why I'm wrong in a discussion wholly unrelated to religion?! Not so cool - and really not making me a fan of the Bible or your religion!
Luckily, most of the people at the church we've been attending for the past year haven't said anything more than "Hi! So happy to see you! How are you?" and the like. Which is EXACTLY what I love about them. I don't want or need to feel pressured. Obviously, if I'm at your church, I'm there to learn your perspective and beliefs so pressure is completely unnecessary.
And I do have friends who I ask to impart their knowledge and/or opinion. People I absolutely trust to listen and hear my heart - to give me a chance to explain or to learn before jumping all over me with why I'm the devil's seed.
Okay, enough about others. (For now, anyway.) I have always... let me repeat that... always believed in a higher power. I've never, ever claimed to be an atheist. However, I have always had doubts about Christianity. The whole Virgin Mary, Moses parting the Red Sea, Noah and the Ark, and other crazy stories in the Bible made it really, really easy to say, "Psh!!! What a bunch of crazies, believing in that crap!" And, to be fair, I have my share of doubts still. It just doesn't make sense, is all! Coming back from the dead?! Really? And Jesus?! That guy sounds like a cult leader, if I've ever heard one! (Which, come to think of it, I really have never heard a cult leader speak...)
Maybe those opinions have convinced others that I am a non-believer altogether. And that's why people are so very shocked and stunned that I (the apparent heathen?) am attending church regularly and going to a Bible study and praying for people, rather than sending them "happy thoughts." I mean, shocked and awed is seriously the reaction I've been getting! As if I've morphed into a completely different person. And, let me tell you, I have not. I am not as "boy-crazy" as I used to be - because I got married. I don't drink as much - because I am thirty-four and it freaking hurts the next day. (To be fair, would you ever have said I was a lush? No.) I don't cuss as much - because I am a mom and I find it tacky to hear a 4 year old drop the f-bomb all the time. (I also don't cuss as much because I'm around people who prefer not to hear that kind of language - so around them, I refrain. It's called respect. And boundaries.)
You will not find me preaching the Bible. You will not find me having any deep-down differences in morals, spirituality, or basic principles. I am still the same person I've always been - with a little more maturity and a lot less drama in my life.
Here are Jen's basic tenets for life:
- I've always believed that love, above all things, is the key to happiness. Love for friends, love for family, love for a significant other, love for yourself, love for the world around you.
- I've always, always believed that you treat others how you'd like to be treated. That what you put out into the world will come back to you. If you want to call that Karma or Judgment Day, that's fine. I call it common freakin sense.
- I've always believed that there is something beautiful, magical and amazing in the world around us. Nature, specifically, but also man's gift for creating something out of nothing. Everything, in the proper perspective, is cause for awe. But mostly it's the way the earth is formed, the way the flora grows and the fauna lives. Call it God's hand or The Goddess's work... I don't care. I just respect it and appreciate it.
- Laugh as much as you can. Be around people who love you and respect you. Learn from everyone around you. Grow with each interaction and each day.
- Be honest. Be brave. Be the best person you can be. But mostly, be honest. With yourself, with others, with the way you live your life.
I began going to church for several reasons. I heard a pastor on the radio and what he was saying just made sense. I don't remember the exact excerpt or even the subject but I remember the feeling: I felt uplifted. I felt his sermon could be applied to any person, of any religion. I felt a sense of strength and hope and... just rightness. Whatever it was he said, I remember thinking it wouldn't, couldn't, be a bad thing for our family. Going to church each Sunday is a way to make sure we are keeping in touch with our core values - maybe not Christian values, per se. But morality and unity for us.
We also went because we had friends who wanted us to come to their church. It was Easter Sunday. It seemed appropriate, for some reason. Wayne grew up Catholic. He has firm beliefs in God. I remember going to church once when I was a little girl. I remember my mom and stepdad talking about God - about how God loves everyone. And that "G-D" was the worst cuss word ever. Ha!
We stayed because, overall, we like the message. We like the pastor and the way he presents his sermons. We like the fellowship, the overall sense of peace and joy within those walls. There have been things that we do not - and never will - agree with.
Would I call myself a Christian? No. May I someday? Maybe. Part of me is afraid not to! But the bigger part of me resists being a hypocrite. Not only because there's no fooling God - He sees the heart of every man, after all. And I cannot honestly say that I believe everything in the Bible. I cannot say I believe that anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus will burn; that good, honest people who have faith in another version of the Christian God but with the same morals, same basic stories, same loving hearts will burn; that good, honest, loving people with no belief in in God but who live their lives with morality and heart are Satan's followers into hell. I can't believe it.
I'm pretty sure this is the most "offensive" thing I've ever written. Because I wrote it knowing it goes against what almost everyone I know believes in one way or another. The atheists, the Christians, and everyone in between. But I want to thank the people who support me while I look for the truth - as it applies to me and my life. I truly appreciate loving words of guidance, support, and acceptance. None of what I have written is aimed at anyone. I can understand and appreciate the questions and the offers - I simply wanted to explain it once and for all, as clearly as I can.
