If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
If I could choose to live anywhere I wanted - regardless of money, jobs, extended family - it'd be Hawaii. (What?! Money is not an issue in my fantasy!) The water is warm, the weather is amazing, the beaches are gorgeous. And, of course, everyone would finally want to come visit us! LOL. I can totally see myself hitting the beach on a regular basis - there's something about it that makes my soul feel rested and happy and soothed.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Forgiveness (Day 18 of 30)
What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
Forgiveness has played a tremendous part in my life over the past couple of years. I think the hardest thing to forgive is a broken heart. I've had my heart broken by good people who meant no harm. People who've simply made mistakes. As we all do. The hardest part for me is to know how very wrong I was about our relationship, about their feelings toward me. In the past couple of years, I've forgiven heartbreak that was so far in my past, I'd believed myself to have moved past it; and more recent hurt, as well. I'll never say I was innocent of any part in the issue. I'm not that egotistical. I made my own mistakes. But I've learned that forgiveness is definitely for me and not for the other person. Saying I've forgiven someone doesn't necessarily mean I've forgotten or I'll allow that person to remain in my life. Especially if he/she is toxic to my life. Forgiveness simply means I am ready to let go of the negativity, realize we all make mistakes, and move on with my life.
Forgiveness has played a tremendous part in my life over the past couple of years. I think the hardest thing to forgive is a broken heart. I've had my heart broken by good people who meant no harm. People who've simply made mistakes. As we all do. The hardest part for me is to know how very wrong I was about our relationship, about their feelings toward me. In the past couple of years, I've forgiven heartbreak that was so far in my past, I'd believed myself to have moved past it; and more recent hurt, as well. I'll never say I was innocent of any part in the issue. I'm not that egotistical. I made my own mistakes. But I've learned that forgiveness is definitely for me and not for the other person. Saying I've forgiven someone doesn't necessarily mean I've forgotten or I'll allow that person to remain in my life. Especially if he/she is toxic to my life. Forgiveness simply means I am ready to let go of the negativity, realize we all make mistakes, and move on with my life.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Stages of grief
It all sounds so clean cut and organized. There are 5 stages of grief. Blah blah blah.
It's been over a month since my last blog about Rachael. Stupid shit keeps happening in my life. Maybe it's the universe/God's way of keeping me busy... or like I told Wayne last month - seeing how much it'll take to really make me break.
I got to go to Dallas for a couple weeks for my sister's birthday. It was really great to be around all my family there. I love seeing Jack with his cousin, Raeleigh, and all his aunts and uncles (yes, Dave is an honorary uncle now). So freakin cute.
The night of Riann's birthday, we all went out. I knew she'd been having a hard day. I'd talked to mom a couple days earlier, the day after her own birthday, and it'd been a hard day for her. What they both said is it's hard to celebrate when all you can think is how Rachael won't have another birthday. She won't get to be 21 and go out to a bar with us. We won't get to drink a shot of tequila with her. We don't get to make fun of her first legal hangover.
I wonder if I'll feel like that on my birthday. It's so far away...
I've been home for a few days now. I went to see a movie with some friends. A guy OD's on pills and pukes. All I could think was, "I wish Rachael would have puked. I wish I'd found her lying in her own vomit and taken her to the ER so she'd still be alive." I know it doesn't help to wish or to think what if. I KNOW. But it's in there and I can't help it.
I've spent the evening looking at her FB page and all her friends' posts there. I watched the video her friend made. I can't post to her page. I can't think of what I'd say. Sometimes, just "I love you." Sometimes, just words of anger and frustration and hate. Hate for the drugs that she was hooked on. Hate for the circumstances. And a little bit for her, if I'm being honest. I mean, really... how could I not be mad at her? She knew what she was doing. We all begged her, in various ways, to stop.
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Apparently, not everyone experiences all of them; nor do they come in any particular order. I have no idea what stage I'm in. Somewhere between depression and anger, I'd guess. Only that sounds too clinical. So I'll call it sad and pissed off.
It's been over a month since my last blog about Rachael. Stupid shit keeps happening in my life. Maybe it's the universe/God's way of keeping me busy... or like I told Wayne last month - seeing how much it'll take to really make me break.
I got to go to Dallas for a couple weeks for my sister's birthday. It was really great to be around all my family there. I love seeing Jack with his cousin, Raeleigh, and all his aunts and uncles (yes, Dave is an honorary uncle now). So freakin cute.
The night of Riann's birthday, we all went out. I knew she'd been having a hard day. I'd talked to mom a couple days earlier, the day after her own birthday, and it'd been a hard day for her. What they both said is it's hard to celebrate when all you can think is how Rachael won't have another birthday. She won't get to be 21 and go out to a bar with us. We won't get to drink a shot of tequila with her. We don't get to make fun of her first legal hangover.
I wonder if I'll feel like that on my birthday. It's so far away...
I've been home for a few days now. I went to see a movie with some friends. A guy OD's on pills and pukes. All I could think was, "I wish Rachael would have puked. I wish I'd found her lying in her own vomit and taken her to the ER so she'd still be alive." I know it doesn't help to wish or to think what if. I KNOW. But it's in there and I can't help it.
I've spent the evening looking at her FB page and all her friends' posts there. I watched the video her friend made. I can't post to her page. I can't think of what I'd say. Sometimes, just "I love you." Sometimes, just words of anger and frustration and hate. Hate for the drugs that she was hooked on. Hate for the circumstances. And a little bit for her, if I'm being honest. I mean, really... how could I not be mad at her? She knew what she was doing. We all begged her, in various ways, to stop.
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Apparently, not everyone experiences all of them; nor do they come in any particular order. I have no idea what stage I'm in. Somewhere between depression and anger, I'd guess. Only that sounds too clinical. So I'll call it sad and pissed off.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Greatness (Day 17 of 30)
What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
Ohhhh. I want to be great at everything I do!! Seriously. I used to be an overachiever at work - which definitely did not earn me any brownie points with my coworkers. (Although, some of my bosses liked to take advantage of it, for sure!) In fact, I try to avoid anything I may not be stellar at. (Like singing in public.)
But! My one wish would be to be great at being a homemaker. Not just the mom part (although, I would love for Jack to say "my mom is the best" when he's all grown up). It's the keeping my home neat and tidy. Making the best, healthiest dinners. Keeping our finances in perfect order. Keeping my husband happy and smiling all the time. Being able to juggle it all without breaking a sweat. Hey... It's a WISH, y'all!
Ohhhh. I want to be great at everything I do!! Seriously. I used to be an overachiever at work - which definitely did not earn me any brownie points with my coworkers. (Although, some of my bosses liked to take advantage of it, for sure!) In fact, I try to avoid anything I may not be stellar at. (Like singing in public.)
But! My one wish would be to be great at being a homemaker. Not just the mom part (although, I would love for Jack to say "my mom is the best" when he's all grown up). It's the keeping my home neat and tidy. Making the best, healthiest dinners. Keeping our finances in perfect order. Keeping my husband happy and smiling all the time. Being able to juggle it all without breaking a sweat. Hey... It's a WISH, y'all!
Accomplishments (Day 16 of 30)
What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
1. My son. He's not yet fully grown but he is amazing. Smart, funny, imaginative, beautiful. And a really good boy. He has his moments, of course, but he is good.
2. Myself. I'm still working on me, but I think I'm turning out pretty well.
3. My home. It may not be the neatest or cleanest, but it's comfy and welcoming.
4. My marriage. Again, not completely done (obviously), but I happen to think we work well together on figuring things out and making things work. Aside from the obvious (love), it's important that we are friends.
I guess I only have 4... that just means I have so much more to come!
1. My son. He's not yet fully grown but he is amazing. Smart, funny, imaginative, beautiful. And a really good boy. He has his moments, of course, but he is good.
2. Myself. I'm still working on me, but I think I'm turning out pretty well.
3. My home. It may not be the neatest or cleanest, but it's comfy and welcoming.
4. My marriage. Again, not completely done (obviously), but I happen to think we work well together on figuring things out and making things work. Aside from the obvious (love), it's important that we are friends.
I guess I only have 4... that just means I have so much more to come!
Animal (Day 15 of 30)
If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
Oh, how I've always abhorred this question. My brain just doesn't work this way. I wouldn't be an animal. I'd be a human. Why would I want to be an animal and live in the outdoors, dealing with someone trying to kill me all the time? Having to hunt and/or gather food? I like being a human - I can go to a grocery store to purchase pre-killed, pre-gathered, pre-packaged foods. I can sleep in a comfy, temperature controlled home with little fear of being attacked. I can have babies without fear of having them eaten by a predator. I guess I'm just spoiled by my human life.
Oh, how I've always abhorred this question. My brain just doesn't work this way. I wouldn't be an animal. I'd be a human. Why would I want to be an animal and live in the outdoors, dealing with someone trying to kill me all the time? Having to hunt and/or gather food? I like being a human - I can go to a grocery store to purchase pre-killed, pre-gathered, pre-packaged foods. I can sleep in a comfy, temperature controlled home with little fear of being attacked. I can have babies without fear of having them eaten by a predator. I guess I'm just spoiled by my human life.
Strengths (Day 14 of 30)
Describe 5 strengths you have.
1. Emotional. I know what you're thinking - how is this a strength?? First, let me explain: when I say emotional, I do not mean hyper-sensitive, super intense, spilling my personal feelings all over anyone who comes near me. I mean that I have a heightened sense of my own emotional well-being, which translates into being able to define and own my emotions - and DEAL with them. Obviously, I'm not perfect. There are things I haven't been able to handle yet. But, in every day life, I am comfortable expressing my emotions and moving on.
2. Forgiveness. I can forgive almost anyone almost anything. Sometimes, it takes a little longer than others. But, in the end, I'll try to see where the other person was coming from and forgive them.
3. Humor. I can make fun of myself like no one else. I can find the humor in nearly any situation. It definitely balances things out for me in tough situations.
4. Honesty. I rarely lie. I won't say never, because we all lie from time to time. But I really try to avoid it. I was a serious liar as a kid - and I got caught about 50% of the time. Now, a lie will make me feel sick to my stomach and sad and guilty as hell. So, I just don't do it. Besides, lying is exhausting. Not only do you have to come up with a good, believable story but you have to remember all the details so as to never get caught.
5. Love. It's so very very cheesy, but I have a lot of love in me. And I love so many people. I'm not always the best friend or wife or mom, but I always try. And I always let people know how much they mean to me.
1. Emotional. I know what you're thinking - how is this a strength?? First, let me explain: when I say emotional, I do not mean hyper-sensitive, super intense, spilling my personal feelings all over anyone who comes near me. I mean that I have a heightened sense of my own emotional well-being, which translates into being able to define and own my emotions - and DEAL with them. Obviously, I'm not perfect. There are things I haven't been able to handle yet. But, in every day life, I am comfortable expressing my emotions and moving on.
2. Forgiveness. I can forgive almost anyone almost anything. Sometimes, it takes a little longer than others. But, in the end, I'll try to see where the other person was coming from and forgive them.
3. Humor. I can make fun of myself like no one else. I can find the humor in nearly any situation. It definitely balances things out for me in tough situations.
4. Honesty. I rarely lie. I won't say never, because we all lie from time to time. But I really try to avoid it. I was a serious liar as a kid - and I got caught about 50% of the time. Now, a lie will make me feel sick to my stomach and sad and guilty as hell. So, I just don't do it. Besides, lying is exhausting. Not only do you have to come up with a good, believable story but you have to remember all the details so as to never get caught.
5. Love. It's so very very cheesy, but I have a lot of love in me. And I love so many people. I'm not always the best friend or wife or mom, but I always try. And I always let people know how much they mean to me.
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