Stages of grief

It all sounds so clean cut and organized.  There are 5 stages of grief.  Blah blah blah.

It's been over a month since my last blog about Rachael.  Stupid shit keeps happening in my life.  Maybe it's the universe/God's way of keeping me busy... or like I told Wayne last month - seeing how much it'll take to really make me break.

I got to go to Dallas for a couple weeks for my sister's birthday.  It was really great to be around all my family there.  I love seeing Jack with his cousin, Raeleigh, and all his aunts and uncles (yes, Dave is an honorary uncle now).  So freakin cute.

The night of Riann's birthday, we all went out.  I knew she'd been having a hard day.  I'd talked to mom a couple days earlier, the day after her own birthday, and it'd been a hard day for her.  What they both said is it's hard to celebrate when all you can think is how Rachael won't have another birthday.  She won't get to be 21 and go out to a bar with us.  We won't get to drink a shot of tequila with her.  We don't get to make fun of her first legal hangover.

I wonder if I'll feel like that on my birthday.  It's so far away...

I've been home for a few days now.  I went to see a movie with some friends.  A guy OD's on pills and pukes.  All I could think was, "I wish Rachael would have puked.  I wish I'd found her lying in her own vomit and taken her to the ER so she'd still be alive."  I know it doesn't help to wish or to think what if.  I KNOW. But it's in there and I can't help it.

I've spent the evening looking at her FB page and all her friends' posts there.  I watched the video her friend made.  I can't post to her page.  I can't think of what I'd say.  Sometimes, just "I love you."  Sometimes, just words of anger and frustration and hate.  Hate for the drugs that she was hooked on.  Hate for the circumstances.  And a little bit for her, if I'm being honest.  I mean, really... how could I not be mad at her?  She knew what she was doing.  We all begged her, in various ways, to stop.

The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Apparently, not everyone experiences all of them; nor do they come in any particular order.  I have no idea what stage I'm in.  Somewhere between depression and anger, I'd guess.  Only that sounds too clinical.  So I'll call it sad and pissed off.