It's just a few days from the 9 month anniversary of Rachael's death. I'm feeling so much better. Nothing really happened to turn it around. Just living my life - it's hard to stay depressed when I have my amazing little family and great friends.
Of course, I'll always carry a sadness with me. And I worry about my parents and my sister. Especially around the holidays. My mom's struggle is... heart breaking. Everytime. I can't imagine what it is to be her. But I feel a weight has been lifted from my heart. I'm feeling more and more like me. I realized it on a regular, nothing special Saturday - when I recognized I had been laughing all day long. Over nothing and everything. I felt lighter and happier. And blessed.
The one lingering issue is what some would call a PTSD kind of thing. My mind goes from fine to fatal, drastic emergency over the slightest of things. My husband complains about work and I am terrified he'll get fired. My boss flew out of town on business and when I came into work the next day, she didn't send me her usual email... she didn't answer her phone... in my head, I began to think her plane had crashed and what would I do? Someone has a family emergency or cries and I think someone died. Phone ringing in the middle of the night? Panic.
Obviously it can all be traced back to that phone call in the middle of the night that changed everything. But how do I overcome it? I mean, I'm not freaking out and crying or anything, but it'd be nice to not even have these thoughts of imminent disaster all the time. Hell, I've even found myself worrying about falling down on the way to work. (Admittedly, it did happen about a month ago and I'm still somewhat recovering, but to think of it as often as I do is weird. Who thinks about how NOT to fall down with every step?? Me.)
I'm sure it'll just take time. Everything does. Until then, I'll keep laughing. And praying.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Six months
I tried looking for an online group to do this. I wasn't sure I wanted people I know to read this. To know this part of me. But I just couldn't let strangers in, either. No one who has ever experienced this kind of pain - be it through grief or depression - could ever take this personally. I hope no one will. It's an expression of my pain and grief. It's about my own demons.
It's been six months since my sister died of an overdose. Since she broke our hearts. And it quite literally feels like she's broken mine. I'm on 2 different types of medicines to keep my blood pressure and heart rate at a normal level. I can't walk half a mile without losing my breath. My heart flip flops in my chest when I feel stressed or upset. She wanted to get high and she died. And now I feel like I might die.
I'm pissed off at everyone and everything. I try hard not to be. I really do. It's no one's fault. Definitely not mine or my friends' or the worlds'. And it's not all the time. It's not even most of the time. But sometimes, I get irrationally, unbelievably pissed off for no reason at all. When someone asks me what I mean by "it's been a hard year." When I forget for one second that my sister is gone, forever. When I forget in a moment of busyness or happiness that my mom and JD will never, ever, ever be the same; will never recover from this pain and heartache. That none of us got the chance to say goodbye; and never should have had to.
Part of me hates the pity and the I'm-sorries. Part of me feels like nearly everyone else has forgotten. I hate putting it out there - all this pain and anger and negativity. But, if I keep it in, what happens to me? So much now, I feel myself closing off. Pushing away people who try to be there for me; all while being so outraged by the people who haven't been. I am a writhing mass of conflicting emotions. As hard as it is for me, at least I know I'm a mess. But for those closest to me, how do they deal with it when I barely can? How can anyone understand my moods when I can barely recognize them myself?
It's been six months since my sister died of an overdose. Since she broke our hearts. And it quite literally feels like she's broken mine. I'm on 2 different types of medicines to keep my blood pressure and heart rate at a normal level. I can't walk half a mile without losing my breath. My heart flip flops in my chest when I feel stressed or upset. She wanted to get high and she died. And now I feel like I might die.
I'm pissed off at everyone and everything. I try hard not to be. I really do. It's no one's fault. Definitely not mine or my friends' or the worlds'. And it's not all the time. It's not even most of the time. But sometimes, I get irrationally, unbelievably pissed off for no reason at all. When someone asks me what I mean by "it's been a hard year." When I forget for one second that my sister is gone, forever. When I forget in a moment of busyness or happiness that my mom and JD will never, ever, ever be the same; will never recover from this pain and heartache. That none of us got the chance to say goodbye; and never should have had to.
Part of me hates the pity and the I'm-sorries. Part of me feels like nearly everyone else has forgotten. I hate putting it out there - all this pain and anger and negativity. But, if I keep it in, what happens to me? So much now, I feel myself closing off. Pushing away people who try to be there for me; all while being so outraged by the people who haven't been. I am a writhing mass of conflicting emotions. As hard as it is for me, at least I know I'm a mess. But for those closest to me, how do they deal with it when I barely can? How can anyone understand my moods when I can barely recognize them myself?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Chick-Fil-A
I can't get on Facebook much today without wanting to share my thoughts and opinions. My heart aches today for so many reasons. This being a big one.
I'll address the CFA debate, as it's being called. First, my sister is gay. She and her wife have the most amazing relationship. Enviable. The support, love and honesty I see between them inspires me to be a better wife to my husband. I can't see anything wrong with that. With two people, in love, sharing their love and commitment with the world. You can throw Bible verses at me all day long, and I still can't imagine that being wrong. In any way. What breaks my heart is seeing people I know to be good saying hateful things. And people close to me, too - people I would think would consider other's feelings before spouting some ridiculous theory about First Amendment Rights. Because, let's face it, it is personal for me. When you speak ill of any homosexual person, you are attacking my sister, whom I love. And that hurts me. Maybe you don't care. Maybe you are so caught up in your righteous thinking that you believe it's okay to hurt me, to hurt my sister, to hurt anyone who believes differently than you do.
Posting your statuses and pictures on FB about how you love Chick-Fil-A, how Dan Cathy is right... some of you honestly do believe being gay is wrong. You believe same sex marriage is an abomination. That God is planning to smite anyone who is gay or believes it okay to be gay. (Hmmmm... Does that sound a little Westboro Baptist-y to anyone else?) Let's see - I'm certainly no theologist, but I'm pretty sure the Bible's underlying message is about God's love for his children. I may not be able to whip out some scripture for you but my faith - my bone deep, heartfelt, deep down in my soul faith - says that Jesus would not appreciate all this hate we're slinging around down here. Do you think He'd get involved in all this malarkey? Really?
And then there are those of you who believe this is a First Amendments Rights issue. Let me clarify that for you RIGHT NOW. This whole issue would be void if it were just about one man's opinions. Sure, there would be some people out there who'd voice their opposing viewpoints. But the boycott? That's about money. That is about funds being donated to organizations who want to violate the rights of another human being. Can you honestly say, in this day and age, that you find that to be acceptable behavior?? Whether you agree with someone else's lifestyle or not, can you say, as a human being, deep down in your heart, you find it perfectly acceptable to impede someone else's chance for happiness?
I can't. And that's why I will give up my beloved Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and waffle fries. Because I may not be the best person to speak out on this and I may lack some fundamental knowledge that will help you all to destroy me with your comments and your facts, but I know it hurts me to think of my sister and her wife being denied the same rights my husband and I take for granted. And that's all it takes for me to jump on this bandwagon - a little personal insight.
**FYI - I am a "liberal hippie" no longer. I have many "conservative" views. I put them both in quotation marks because I am somewhere in the middle - where common sense and common courtesy meet a big heart. Also, I am a Christian woman - learning, every single day, where, who and what God wants me to to be.
I'll address the CFA debate, as it's being called. First, my sister is gay. She and her wife have the most amazing relationship. Enviable. The support, love and honesty I see between them inspires me to be a better wife to my husband. I can't see anything wrong with that. With two people, in love, sharing their love and commitment with the world. You can throw Bible verses at me all day long, and I still can't imagine that being wrong. In any way. What breaks my heart is seeing people I know to be good saying hateful things. And people close to me, too - people I would think would consider other's feelings before spouting some ridiculous theory about First Amendment Rights. Because, let's face it, it is personal for me. When you speak ill of any homosexual person, you are attacking my sister, whom I love. And that hurts me. Maybe you don't care. Maybe you are so caught up in your righteous thinking that you believe it's okay to hurt me, to hurt my sister, to hurt anyone who believes differently than you do.
Posting your statuses and pictures on FB about how you love Chick-Fil-A, how Dan Cathy is right... some of you honestly do believe being gay is wrong. You believe same sex marriage is an abomination. That God is planning to smite anyone who is gay or believes it okay to be gay. (Hmmmm... Does that sound a little Westboro Baptist-y to anyone else?) Let's see - I'm certainly no theologist, but I'm pretty sure the Bible's underlying message is about God's love for his children. I may not be able to whip out some scripture for you but my faith - my bone deep, heartfelt, deep down in my soul faith - says that Jesus would not appreciate all this hate we're slinging around down here. Do you think He'd get involved in all this malarkey? Really?
And then there are those of you who believe this is a First Amendments Rights issue. Let me clarify that for you RIGHT NOW. This whole issue would be void if it were just about one man's opinions. Sure, there would be some people out there who'd voice their opposing viewpoints. But the boycott? That's about money. That is about funds being donated to organizations who want to violate the rights of another human being. Can you honestly say, in this day and age, that you find that to be acceptable behavior?? Whether you agree with someone else's lifestyle or not, can you say, as a human being, deep down in your heart, you find it perfectly acceptable to impede someone else's chance for happiness?
I can't. And that's why I will give up my beloved Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and waffle fries. Because I may not be the best person to speak out on this and I may lack some fundamental knowledge that will help you all to destroy me with your comments and your facts, but I know it hurts me to think of my sister and her wife being denied the same rights my husband and I take for granted. And that's all it takes for me to jump on this bandwagon - a little personal insight.
**FYI - I am a "liberal hippie" no longer. I have many "conservative" views. I put them both in quotation marks because I am somewhere in the middle - where common sense and common courtesy meet a big heart. Also, I am a Christian woman - learning, every single day, where, who and what God wants me to to be.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
MissUnderstood (Day 29 of 30)
What do you think people misundertand most about you?
Everything? Haha! Some days, it feels like I'm speaking a different language. For people that don't really know me, though, I think it's my sense of humor that trips them up. It can be dry and sarcastic, but without the mean bite. I often forget that other people can see what I write on Facebook and later realize the tone may not have conveyed correctly.
Everything? Haha! Some days, it feels like I'm speaking a different language. For people that don't really know me, though, I think it's my sense of humor that trips them up. It can be dry and sarcastic, but without the mean bite. I often forget that other people can see what I write on Facebook and later realize the tone may not have conveyed correctly.
Monday, July 30, 2012
The Language of Love (Day 28 of 30)
What is your love language?
Acts of Service. Not always in a huge way, but it's the things people do that tell me they love me. The little things, the big things, and everything in between. And when I love someone, I want to do things for them. Help them in whatever way I can.
You can check out this website to find out your love language!
Acts of Service. Not always in a huge way, but it's the things people do that tell me they love me. The little things, the big things, and everything in between. And when I love someone, I want to do things for them. Help them in whatever way I can.
You can check out this website to find out your love language!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Body Parts (Day 27 of 30)
What is your favorite part of your body and why?
Lately, it's been my biceps. They're not perfectly toned and gorgeous, but since working out so much, I've noticed a difference in them. I love how strong they are and how much more I can do with them. It's an overall reflection of how strong, physically, I've felt lately.
Lately, it's been my biceps. They're not perfectly toned and gorgeous, but since working out so much, I've noticed a difference in them. I love how strong they are and how much more I can do with them. It's an overall reflection of how strong, physically, I've felt lately.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
You're All Wrong! (Day 26 of 30)
What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
I've gone back and forth on this one. I feel like all the things I'd talk about have been talked to death. But, I have an "assignment" so I tried writing about a couple different things. Apparently, I don't work well like that. If I don't feel it, I can't write it. So, that's why I am weeks overdue on number 26 of this little project.
As I was relaxing today, watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, inspiration struck!
Hopefully, we find someone we think is pretty awesome. They return those feelings. As we progress in our relationship, we fall in love. Then, we spend even more time with them. We plan a future. At some point, we start to see little things that aren't so perfect. That's okay, though. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. We still love one another and support one another. That's real life. Accepting one another for who we are, flaws and all. Right? So here is where we come to what I think a lot of people get wrong...
Stand by your man (or woman).
Please don't misunderstand me. Supporting my husband is of utmost importance. I love and respect him, so it's second nature to me. The part that I take issue with is when a spouse (or a parent, for that matter) takes it too far. There's supporting your spouse and then there's blind, stupid faith. Maybe I'm dead wrong, but I try to be certain I see everyone for who they are and accept them as such. It extends to my husband, my child, my family and my friends. It's not an easy task. There are things about people that bug the heck out of me. But there are things about me that bug the heck out of them, too!
It bothers me when I see a husband defending his wife when she's wrong. (As in the case of the RHONJ couple, Teresa and Joe.) If my husband did something I felt was wrong, I wouldn't back him on it. Would I badmouth him all over town? Obviously not. I do respect him. But I also wouldn't shout from the rooftops that he's perfect and tout what was obviously a misstep as being right.
Am I wrong? Should I claim perfection on behalf of my husband, even if I know he was wrong? If he offends my friend, should I tell her she was wrong to be offended? Or should I simply say he made a mistake and would never intend to offend her? Be defensive or apologize on his behalf?
I feel there is an abundance of societal pressure to present a perfect image to the world. "We have a wonderful marriage; we rarely argue, and when we do, it's in calm voices with love and respect evident in every word; our child is smart, obedient and caring; and so on and so forth." But if we're all doing that - if we're all pretending - then how do we relate to one another on any kind of real level? We're all human. We all make mistakes. I love that our relationship allows us to accept one another in such a real way.
I'm sure there will be many people who disagree with me. Before you start telling me I'm going to ruin my marriage, let me be absolutely clear: I don't try to find fault with anyone. In fact, I try to see the best in everyone, and in every situation. I don't constantly nag at my husband or nitpick. In fact, a big part of accepting someone's "faults" is to realize it makes him who he is and love him for it; not in spite of it. All I'm saying is I can't allow myself to blindly defend something I know to be wrong.
**Disclaimer: of course, all of this is hypothetical. My husband actually IS perfect and has never done anything wrong. Ever.
I've gone back and forth on this one. I feel like all the things I'd talk about have been talked to death. But, I have an "assignment" so I tried writing about a couple different things. Apparently, I don't work well like that. If I don't feel it, I can't write it. So, that's why I am weeks overdue on number 26 of this little project.
As I was relaxing today, watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, inspiration struck!
Hopefully, we find someone we think is pretty awesome. They return those feelings. As we progress in our relationship, we fall in love. Then, we spend even more time with them. We plan a future. At some point, we start to see little things that aren't so perfect. That's okay, though. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. We still love one another and support one another. That's real life. Accepting one another for who we are, flaws and all. Right? So here is where we come to what I think a lot of people get wrong...
Stand by your man (or woman).
Please don't misunderstand me. Supporting my husband is of utmost importance. I love and respect him, so it's second nature to me. The part that I take issue with is when a spouse (or a parent, for that matter) takes it too far. There's supporting your spouse and then there's blind, stupid faith. Maybe I'm dead wrong, but I try to be certain I see everyone for who they are and accept them as such. It extends to my husband, my child, my family and my friends. It's not an easy task. There are things about people that bug the heck out of me. But there are things about me that bug the heck out of them, too!
It bothers me when I see a husband defending his wife when she's wrong. (As in the case of the RHONJ couple, Teresa and Joe.) If my husband did something I felt was wrong, I wouldn't back him on it. Would I badmouth him all over town? Obviously not. I do respect him. But I also wouldn't shout from the rooftops that he's perfect and tout what was obviously a misstep as being right.
Am I wrong? Should I claim perfection on behalf of my husband, even if I know he was wrong? If he offends my friend, should I tell her she was wrong to be offended? Or should I simply say he made a mistake and would never intend to offend her? Be defensive or apologize on his behalf?
I feel there is an abundance of societal pressure to present a perfect image to the world. "We have a wonderful marriage; we rarely argue, and when we do, it's in calm voices with love and respect evident in every word; our child is smart, obedient and caring; and so on and so forth." But if we're all doing that - if we're all pretending - then how do we relate to one another on any kind of real level? We're all human. We all make mistakes. I love that our relationship allows us to accept one another in such a real way.
I'm sure there will be many people who disagree with me. Before you start telling me I'm going to ruin my marriage, let me be absolutely clear: I don't try to find fault with anyone. In fact, I try to see the best in everyone, and in every situation. I don't constantly nag at my husband or nitpick. In fact, a big part of accepting someone's "faults" is to realize it makes him who he is and love him for it; not in spite of it. All I'm saying is I can't allow myself to blindly defend something I know to be wrong.
**Disclaimer: of course, all of this is hypothetical. My husband actually IS perfect and has never done anything wrong. Ever.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
New windows!
I'm seriously avoiding the next question in the series of 30 I'm doing. I'll just post about something else!
Our windows are original to the house. They are single pane casement windows with metal frames. In other words, they are giant class and metal escape routes for cold and/or hot air. One of them has an ineffable BB sized hole. Three of them are missing screens so they can't be opened for fear of bugs and birds flying in. And all of them are splattered with paint and God knows what, making them impossible to clean. When the window with the mystery hole cracked, we threw in the towel and went window shopping. Next week, we'll have brand-spanking new Pella double pane vinyl sliding windows with screens!! I'm a little nervous because our windows are SO OLD that they'll have to rip into the actual walls to get them out. How much of a mess are they going to make? How will Wayne and I be able to patch it up or will we need a pro? If we need a pro, how much will THAT cost?
Home-ownership is a never-ending series of what-ifs. You never know what new problems will come about as a result of fixing another problem. It's an adventure for which I feel ill-equipped. They should offer classes on basic home repair in college. And every realtor should recommend the classes when they sell a home. You know, like when you go to get married, they recommend counseling. When you are pregnant, they recommend basic parenting classes. I'd sign up right now, if I could find a basic home repair class. Heck, I'd take it, then move on to advanced home repair. I'd do it all!!
Our windows are original to the house. They are single pane casement windows with metal frames. In other words, they are giant class and metal escape routes for cold and/or hot air. One of them has an ineffable BB sized hole. Three of them are missing screens so they can't be opened for fear of bugs and birds flying in. And all of them are splattered with paint and God knows what, making them impossible to clean. When the window with the mystery hole cracked, we threw in the towel and went window shopping. Next week, we'll have brand-spanking new Pella double pane vinyl sliding windows with screens!! I'm a little nervous because our windows are SO OLD that they'll have to rip into the actual walls to get them out. How much of a mess are they going to make? How will Wayne and I be able to patch it up or will we need a pro? If we need a pro, how much will THAT cost?
Home-ownership is a never-ending series of what-ifs. You never know what new problems will come about as a result of fixing another problem. It's an adventure for which I feel ill-equipped. They should offer classes on basic home repair in college. And every realtor should recommend the classes when they sell a home. You know, like when you go to get married, they recommend counseling. When you are pregnant, they recommend basic parenting classes. I'd sign up right now, if I could find a basic home repair class. Heck, I'd take it, then move on to advanced home repair. I'd do it all!!
Friday, July 13, 2012
A/C Update
Service Masters began "fixing" the unit back in early May. In the beginning, they'd call and ask if I was available during a 4 hour window for them to come out. And show up after the 4 hour window. They progressed to just showing up whenever and not even calling. I get that I'm a stay at home mom, but that doesn't meant I literally stay at home all the time. If I wasn't here, I'd get a snotty, "Well, we came by but you weren't here." Really?? Try calling me. You have my number. And my husband's.
They replaced the same motor twice. A fan blade another time. A thingamabob and a whatchamajig.
Don't get my wrong - I'm very grateful that we finally had air during the day. But the nights were about to start getting hot.
On Friday, they came out, replaced yet another part, zip tied the hose to another pipe to keep it from kinking, and said it was fixed. The zip ties actually made the hose kink more and the air cut out that night and again at 8 p.m. on Saturday. We called them Saturday and again Monday. I also called the warranty company Monday.
Yesterday, Wayne called again. The warranty company called Service Masters to find out what was going on. They said, "We've exhausted all possibilities. Go ahead and call someone else." (That's almost a direct quote from the warranty company... I'm sure it wasn't originally put in those words.)
SERIOUSLY?!?!
I feel like we've wasted the last 2 1/2 months. Thank GOD we have only had to pay for the original $55 service fee. And that our warranty company is doing it's job.
A new guy from a new company came out today. There's another part that he has to replace. (Maybe the original issue all along??) But, of course, he has to order it. In the meantime, he says, "Keep your air at 77 and see if that will keep it from freezing up... Okay, 75 but if that doesn't work, then 77." He also told me that "these houses really can't be cooled lower than 72 because they're not insulated correctly."
My point - it's been cooling the house to 74 during the day and 69 at night for the past 4 years. Suddenly, my insulation is wrong??
Thirty minutes ago, it quit working. I'm trying really hard not to be angry and frustrated because it's out of my hands. What really bothers me is when these guys come in and talk to me like I'M the one responsible for it breaking. I'm sorry - I have NO idea how it works, so when you think it's been installed incorrectly, please don't lecture me about it. I didn't install it.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Dining with Jen (Day 25 of 30)
If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
Ummmmm.... I.... Uhhh...
Jeez. I don't know. I haven't ever had a good answer for this. Maybe I'm just not that deep of a thinker. Or I know if I tried to have dinner with anyone super smart or awesomely philosophical, I'd get all nervous and weird and not have anything to say. Maybe I'm just too superficial. Because the only person I can think of to have dinner with is Jennifer Aniston. I want to see if she's as cool as she seems. And by cool, I mean laid back, chill, relaxed. Fun to hang out with. I want to be friends with her. But then, I want to be friends with almost everyone.
Oh - um, we'd eat sushi. Because I freaking love sushi.
Ummmmm.... I.... Uhhh...
Jeez. I don't know. I haven't ever had a good answer for this. Maybe I'm just not that deep of a thinker. Or I know if I tried to have dinner with anyone super smart or awesomely philosophical, I'd get all nervous and weird and not have anything to say. Maybe I'm just too superficial. Because the only person I can think of to have dinner with is Jennifer Aniston. I want to see if she's as cool as she seems. And by cool, I mean laid back, chill, relaxed. Fun to hang out with. I want to be friends with her. But then, I want to be friends with almost everyone.
Oh - um, we'd eat sushi. Because I freaking love sushi.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Grief counseling
Since Rachael passed, everyone has recommended grief counseling. And everyone has been super supportive and understanding when I just wasn't ready. There's something scary about seeking out this total stranger, who is trained in emotion, psyche, etc, and telling her your entire sob story. Can I trust her? Will she be helpful or will I waste my time? Will I be seriously uncomfortable? Am I even close to being ready to say it all out loud?
I made the call today. I felt dizzy and my heart was racing, but I left a message asking her to call me back for an appointment.
I made the call today. I felt dizzy and my heart was racing, but I left a message asking her to call me back for an appointment.
Family Dynamic (Day 24 of 30)
Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
*This one was hard for me. It brought up a lot of emotion and was difficult for me to put all my business out there like this.
I was the oldest of four in a Navy family. My dad was a recruiter, so we didn't live by the beach. Ohio, Michigan, and Texas, before I moved to South Carolina to live with my mom and stepdad. I always felt different that my siblings. (One sister, one stepsister, one half-brother - but only in a vague sense. In reality, they've always been my sisters and brother. There has never been a distinction in my heart or mind.) They were athletic and outgoing, where I was bookish and shy. I felt fat, slow, uncoordinated, stupid. I wasn't all of those things. I'll cop to the uncoordinated - I've always been clumsy. My idea of fun was to stay inside and read while they liked to ride skateboards, play sports, and run around outside. I felt the difference was most noticeable to my parents; that I was compared to my 18 months younger sister, Riann, and found lacking. That nothing I did was enough. She and I fought - fight to the death kind of fought. On a summer visit to our mom, we had to be drug out of the ocean for trying to drown one another. We still loved each other - we were ready to defend against any outsider - but we hated each other in a way that only sisters can. I was closer to Dana, who is 4 years younger than me. I remember playing a lot of Barbies. Later, she read the same books as I did. The age difference made it hard to be really close; when you're 11 and liking boys, she's 7 and not. My brother, Michael, was the baby, seven years younger. He loved to torment me and I hated it. Being the baby, and the only boy, he got a little favoritism. (Which I'm sure my parents would deny!)
I got into a lot of trouble. My dad was (and is, in many ways) a Navy man. He pulled rank and expected you to fall in line. I was not made for the sailor's life. I questioned everything. I wanted reasons for why I wasn't allowed to do things I wanted to do. And if the reasons didn't feel right to me, I did what I wanted. I wanted equality and to be heard and respected as an individual. That's not how my parents did things. I was a kid - you do what you're told. Period. It didn't go over well with me, so I fought back. Riann still tells me (and Dana) if we'd just kept our mouths shut, we could have avoided a lot of trouble. Ha!
I went to live with my mom and stepdad when I was 14. At that point, I had a lot of anger towards my dad. I felt like he didn't like me (and in my more dramatic moments, that he didn't love me). So, why stick around? Living with my mom and stepdad was a learning experience for all of us. They'd had us every summer since I was 5 or 6, but that wasn't the same as having a teenage girl in the house with high school and boys and friends and frenemies and hormones and Drama. I'd been pretty sheltered at my dad's house, but my mom and stepdad were more lenient than my dad and stepmom. I ran around the neighborhood and did things I'd never have had the opportunity to do at my dad's. Nothing terrible. Normal teenage stuff - truth or dare, first kisses, stolen cigarettes. (Mind you - this is over the course of the next few years - not all while I was 14.) I had my first real boyfriend. Learned to drive. Did well at school. Expressed myself in normal and dramatic ways.
Halfway through my senior year of high school, my mom got pregnant. I know, right?! It was insane to me. But I was so happy for my parents. They'd been trying for years and my stepdad had no biological children of his own. So, at 18, I had a new baby sister, Rachael. And a new dynamic to the family. But that's another really long story that you can read here.
As an adult, I've still struggled in my relationships with my parents. My dad and I are good - as long as he's there and I'm here and we don't really talk about anything real. His views on things are quite different from my own and we tend to argue, and then I cry, and he gets mad, if we talk about things. So, we don't. And I'm happy with that. I'm happy loving my dad and talking to him every week or so about his grandson. We keep it light and it works for us.
My stepmom (who is no longer married to my dad but will always be one of my moms) and I are okay. I love her but I get frustrated because she has a very different life now and that life seems to exclude us. Yet, on the rare occasions we do speak, she complains about not seeing him or knowing him. As much as I recognize she has a right to her own life, I resent the fact that she doesn't make the effort to come see us - or even to call or Skype. Again, if I keep it superficial, it's all good.
Basically, with some people, I've learned they will not change. I have to accept that I can either keep it light and things will stay drama-free, or I can waste my time, energy and emotion trying to get something that doesn't exist.
Things with my mom have been rocky the last 10 years. She has battled mental illness while suffering from excruciating back and joint pain brought on by degenerative disc and joint disease. The mental illness has been hard for me to cope with. Not only because she sometimes seems like a completely different person, but also because of fear. Fear that she'll never be the same mom I've known. Fear that I'll suffer from the same illnesses. Fear that I'm doing everything wrong and am a terrible daughter. Our relationship has been getting better - but for one fight we had over and over again. About Rachael. I was judgmental and snotty. I thought I knew better. Thinking back, it was rude and disrespectful. It came from a place of fear and worry and LOVE. I wanted them to be happy and they weren't.
We'd been getting better. I was learning to back off; Mom was asking for my opinion and wanting to hear it. And I began to speak up for myself when things bothered me. It's hard but it helped my relationship with her. Then, Rachael died. Now, our dynamic has a whole new spin. There's a sadness but also a gratefulness to have one another. And, on my part, probably some guilt over giving her such a hard time for so long. For taking so long to grow up and let her be whatever kind of mom she needed to be.
I've always known I can talk to her. When things are good or bad, I can call her and she'll listen. I can talk to her in a way that is unique to our relationship and tell her things I may not be able to tell anyone else. That's always been there.
My stepdad has always been one of my favorite people. He is funny and wise and a good man. We don't talk as much as we should. That's my fault. I felt like I was disappointing him by fighting with my mom and Rachael so much. In my teen years, he was my protector and confidant. His strength, love and values have always been an inspiration to me. Even now, after losing Rachael, he is so strong and so good. His faith in God has helped us all.
I love my sisters. It's amazing to me how close I am to Riann, after everything we did to each other. She is one of my best friends. I can, and do, talk to her about everything. Jack is Riann's biggest fan. They have a beautiful bond, and I don't have the words to express how much I love that. Riann's wife, Alyssa, is just amazing. I love their relationship, their home... them.
My sister Dana and I tend to clash from time to time because of our differing views on pretty much everything external. The one (and vital) thing we agree on is family. We love to spend time together and just be a family together. I love her quirkiness and her beautiful art. Jack has nicknamed her "Aunt Funny" because he loves her so much and she always makes him laugh.
My brother, Michael, and I don't really know each other very well. Our almost eight year age difference, my moving away when he was just six, his moving away when he was in high school... they all contribute to our not being super close. Now that he's back in Texas, with his wife and daughters, I'm hoping that will change. I adore his wife (also a Dana) - she is down-to-earth, funny, smart, and loving. When we get together, we don't run out of things to say. And my nieces? Gorgeous, funny little girls who stole my heart. There is nothing better than watching my son and my brother's daughter play together.
Then, there's Rachael. She changed my life so many times. I'm sad we won't have the chance to grow our relationship. I hope she knew how much I love her. How heartbroken I am. And how every single thing that happens in our lives, we'll have her right there with us.
When you get married, you get a whole new family. This little (okay, kind of going long here) essay would be incomplete if I didn't include my Decker family. The first time I met my husband's family, we'd only been dating a few weeks. I was so nervous. I tried on various outfits - but still remember what I wore: a black A-line skirt with white embroidered outlines of flowers with a pink tee and black slides. I was going for simple, but cute. We went to his parents' home to meet his mom, dad, and two sisters. The girls were still in high school. Everyone was so quiet and nice. I probably came off as snobby or standoffish, as I do when I'm nervous. For a while afterward, I would tease him about his Leave it to Beaver family and how he was the golden boy. It was foreign to me - having parents that were still together and everyone loving each other so much.
We got married really quickly. Nine months and one day from our first date, to be exact. Then, we had a baby and moved to Arizona. Maybe that's why I don't feel as close to his family as I'd like. Back when we were planning our wedding, I had dreams of being super close with his mom and sisters. I feel a distance I wish wasn't there but don't know how to navigate. It's my own insecurities and shyness holding me back, I'm sure. We're a family, though, and we'll grow. Right now, I'm happy knowing how much Jack loves them.
That's what it all comes back to, for me. My son knowing and feeling the warmth and security of a large family who loves him. No matter how far away we are, we all know there is love in family.
*This one was hard for me. It brought up a lot of emotion and was difficult for me to put all my business out there like this.
I was the oldest of four in a Navy family. My dad was a recruiter, so we didn't live by the beach. Ohio, Michigan, and Texas, before I moved to South Carolina to live with my mom and stepdad. I always felt different that my siblings. (One sister, one stepsister, one half-brother - but only in a vague sense. In reality, they've always been my sisters and brother. There has never been a distinction in my heart or mind.) They were athletic and outgoing, where I was bookish and shy. I felt fat, slow, uncoordinated, stupid. I wasn't all of those things. I'll cop to the uncoordinated - I've always been clumsy. My idea of fun was to stay inside and read while they liked to ride skateboards, play sports, and run around outside. I felt the difference was most noticeable to my parents; that I was compared to my 18 months younger sister, Riann, and found lacking. That nothing I did was enough. She and I fought - fight to the death kind of fought. On a summer visit to our mom, we had to be drug out of the ocean for trying to drown one another. We still loved each other - we were ready to defend against any outsider - but we hated each other in a way that only sisters can. I was closer to Dana, who is 4 years younger than me. I remember playing a lot of Barbies. Later, she read the same books as I did. The age difference made it hard to be really close; when you're 11 and liking boys, she's 7 and not. My brother, Michael, was the baby, seven years younger. He loved to torment me and I hated it. Being the baby, and the only boy, he got a little favoritism. (Which I'm sure my parents would deny!)
I got into a lot of trouble. My dad was (and is, in many ways) a Navy man. He pulled rank and expected you to fall in line. I was not made for the sailor's life. I questioned everything. I wanted reasons for why I wasn't allowed to do things I wanted to do. And if the reasons didn't feel right to me, I did what I wanted. I wanted equality and to be heard and respected as an individual. That's not how my parents did things. I was a kid - you do what you're told. Period. It didn't go over well with me, so I fought back. Riann still tells me (and Dana) if we'd just kept our mouths shut, we could have avoided a lot of trouble. Ha!
I went to live with my mom and stepdad when I was 14. At that point, I had a lot of anger towards my dad. I felt like he didn't like me (and in my more dramatic moments, that he didn't love me). So, why stick around? Living with my mom and stepdad was a learning experience for all of us. They'd had us every summer since I was 5 or 6, but that wasn't the same as having a teenage girl in the house with high school and boys and friends and frenemies and hormones and Drama. I'd been pretty sheltered at my dad's house, but my mom and stepdad were more lenient than my dad and stepmom. I ran around the neighborhood and did things I'd never have had the opportunity to do at my dad's. Nothing terrible. Normal teenage stuff - truth or dare, first kisses, stolen cigarettes. (Mind you - this is over the course of the next few years - not all while I was 14.) I had my first real boyfriend. Learned to drive. Did well at school. Expressed myself in normal and dramatic ways.
Halfway through my senior year of high school, my mom got pregnant. I know, right?! It was insane to me. But I was so happy for my parents. They'd been trying for years and my stepdad had no biological children of his own. So, at 18, I had a new baby sister, Rachael. And a new dynamic to the family. But that's another really long story that you can read here.
As an adult, I've still struggled in my relationships with my parents. My dad and I are good - as long as he's there and I'm here and we don't really talk about anything real. His views on things are quite different from my own and we tend to argue, and then I cry, and he gets mad, if we talk about things. So, we don't. And I'm happy with that. I'm happy loving my dad and talking to him every week or so about his grandson. We keep it light and it works for us.
My stepmom (who is no longer married to my dad but will always be one of my moms) and I are okay. I love her but I get frustrated because she has a very different life now and that life seems to exclude us. Yet, on the rare occasions we do speak, she complains about not seeing him or knowing him. As much as I recognize she has a right to her own life, I resent the fact that she doesn't make the effort to come see us - or even to call or Skype. Again, if I keep it superficial, it's all good.
Basically, with some people, I've learned they will not change. I have to accept that I can either keep it light and things will stay drama-free, or I can waste my time, energy and emotion trying to get something that doesn't exist.
Things with my mom have been rocky the last 10 years. She has battled mental illness while suffering from excruciating back and joint pain brought on by degenerative disc and joint disease. The mental illness has been hard for me to cope with. Not only because she sometimes seems like a completely different person, but also because of fear. Fear that she'll never be the same mom I've known. Fear that I'll suffer from the same illnesses. Fear that I'm doing everything wrong and am a terrible daughter. Our relationship has been getting better - but for one fight we had over and over again. About Rachael. I was judgmental and snotty. I thought I knew better. Thinking back, it was rude and disrespectful. It came from a place of fear and worry and LOVE. I wanted them to be happy and they weren't.
We'd been getting better. I was learning to back off; Mom was asking for my opinion and wanting to hear it. And I began to speak up for myself when things bothered me. It's hard but it helped my relationship with her. Then, Rachael died. Now, our dynamic has a whole new spin. There's a sadness but also a gratefulness to have one another. And, on my part, probably some guilt over giving her such a hard time for so long. For taking so long to grow up and let her be whatever kind of mom she needed to be.
I've always known I can talk to her. When things are good or bad, I can call her and she'll listen. I can talk to her in a way that is unique to our relationship and tell her things I may not be able to tell anyone else. That's always been there.
My stepdad has always been one of my favorite people. He is funny and wise and a good man. We don't talk as much as we should. That's my fault. I felt like I was disappointing him by fighting with my mom and Rachael so much. In my teen years, he was my protector and confidant. His strength, love and values have always been an inspiration to me. Even now, after losing Rachael, he is so strong and so good. His faith in God has helped us all.
I love my sisters. It's amazing to me how close I am to Riann, after everything we did to each other. She is one of my best friends. I can, and do, talk to her about everything. Jack is Riann's biggest fan. They have a beautiful bond, and I don't have the words to express how much I love that. Riann's wife, Alyssa, is just amazing. I love their relationship, their home... them.
My sister Dana and I tend to clash from time to time because of our differing views on pretty much everything external. The one (and vital) thing we agree on is family. We love to spend time together and just be a family together. I love her quirkiness and her beautiful art. Jack has nicknamed her "Aunt Funny" because he loves her so much and she always makes him laugh.
My brother, Michael, and I don't really know each other very well. Our almost eight year age difference, my moving away when he was just six, his moving away when he was in high school... they all contribute to our not being super close. Now that he's back in Texas, with his wife and daughters, I'm hoping that will change. I adore his wife (also a Dana) - she is down-to-earth, funny, smart, and loving. When we get together, we don't run out of things to say. And my nieces? Gorgeous, funny little girls who stole my heart. There is nothing better than watching my son and my brother's daughter play together.
Then, there's Rachael. She changed my life so many times. I'm sad we won't have the chance to grow our relationship. I hope she knew how much I love her. How heartbroken I am. And how every single thing that happens in our lives, we'll have her right there with us.
When you get married, you get a whole new family. This little (okay, kind of going long here) essay would be incomplete if I didn't include my Decker family. The first time I met my husband's family, we'd only been dating a few weeks. I was so nervous. I tried on various outfits - but still remember what I wore: a black A-line skirt with white embroidered outlines of flowers with a pink tee and black slides. I was going for simple, but cute. We went to his parents' home to meet his mom, dad, and two sisters. The girls were still in high school. Everyone was so quiet and nice. I probably came off as snobby or standoffish, as I do when I'm nervous. For a while afterward, I would tease him about his Leave it to Beaver family and how he was the golden boy. It was foreign to me - having parents that were still together and everyone loving each other so much.
We got married really quickly. Nine months and one day from our first date, to be exact. Then, we had a baby and moved to Arizona. Maybe that's why I don't feel as close to his family as I'd like. Back when we were planning our wedding, I had dreams of being super close with his mom and sisters. I feel a distance I wish wasn't there but don't know how to navigate. It's my own insecurities and shyness holding me back, I'm sure. We're a family, though, and we'll grow. Right now, I'm happy knowing how much Jack loves them.
That's what it all comes back to, for me. My son knowing and feeling the warmth and security of a large family who loves him. No matter how far away we are, we all know there is love in family.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Hobbies (Day 23 of 30)
List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
1. Making jewelry. I haven't done it in so long, but it gives me a sense of relaxation and focus. Plus, the satisfaction of making something cute.
2. Reading. I try to read enlightening, intellectual things every now and then. But mostly, I love funny, light books.
3. Imagining crafty things I can do. I'm not quite at the actual doing part... yet. But I will! I've done a few projects with good outcomes. I know I'll get more into it.
4. Shopping. I freaking love to shop. For home items, for clothes, for hair and beauty products.
5. Writing. Obvi! I love writing in my blog, but can't wait for Jack to start school so I can get back to creative writing.
1. Making jewelry. I haven't done it in so long, but it gives me a sense of relaxation and focus. Plus, the satisfaction of making something cute.
2. Reading. I try to read enlightening, intellectual things every now and then. But mostly, I love funny, light books.
3. Imagining crafty things I can do. I'm not quite at the actual doing part... yet. But I will! I've done a few projects with good outcomes. I know I'll get more into it.
4. Shopping. I freaking love to shop. For home items, for clothes, for hair and beauty products.
5. Writing. Obvi! I love writing in my blog, but can't wait for Jack to start school so I can get back to creative writing.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Predictions (Day 22 of 30)
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
Oy. This is really feeling like a job interview. Ha!
In 5 years, I hope to have cured cancer, while being a fabulous mom, wife, sibling, daughter, and friend to everyone around me.
Bahahahahahaha!!
Okay. I'm done being silly. (I think. Sometimes, it just sneaks up on me.)
I really am not the type of person who thinks about where I'll be in 5, 10 or 15 years. I'm busy in the now. Here are some quick notes, though:
5 years - 2 kids, participating in various school and after-school activities. Finally have my house and finances in the shape I want. (Not perfect, but easier to maintain and looking good.)
10 years - Still 2 kids, 1 husband, lots of friends. Working on a bachelor's degree.
15 years - One kid off to college, the other in high school. Working part time in a fulfilling position. Retirement accounts are making good progress. Wayne and I have an active social life and are beginning to travel more.
Oy. This is really feeling like a job interview. Ha!
In 5 years, I hope to have cured cancer, while being a fabulous mom, wife, sibling, daughter, and friend to everyone around me.
Bahahahahahaha!!
Okay. I'm done being silly. (I think. Sometimes, it just sneaks up on me.)
I really am not the type of person who thinks about where I'll be in 5, 10 or 15 years. I'm busy in the now. Here are some quick notes, though:
5 years - 2 kids, participating in various school and after-school activities. Finally have my house and finances in the shape I want. (Not perfect, but easier to maintain and looking good.)
10 years - Still 2 kids, 1 husband, lots of friends. Working on a bachelor's degree.
15 years - One kid off to college, the other in high school. Working part time in a fulfilling position. Retirement accounts are making good progress. Wayne and I have an active social life and are beginning to travel more.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Superpower (Day 21 of 30)
If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
I'd have the fix-it superpower so I could repaint my house, sod my backyard, remodel my bathrooms... wait, what? That's not a superpower??? Well, it should be!
Of the typical superpowers, I'd pick reading minds. I know most people would think it's awful, but I have this need to know what people really think. Call it nosiness or curiosity, I just want to know. The first thing I'd do is listen in on Jack's brain. I want to know what that kid thinks about. I bet it's crazy. Haha!
I'd have the fix-it superpower so I could repaint my house, sod my backyard, remodel my bathrooms... wait, what? That's not a superpower??? Well, it should be!
Of the typical superpowers, I'd pick reading minds. I know most people would think it's awful, but I have this need to know what people really think. Call it nosiness or curiosity, I just want to know. The first thing I'd do is listen in on Jack's brain. I want to know what that kid thinks about. I bet it's crazy. Haha!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Childhood memories (Day 20 of 30)
Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
1. One of my earliest memories is my dad applying medicine to my chin. He was very gentle and very sweet. I was only 4 and had gotten into the razors. Apparently, I wanted to shave my chin like my dad did.
2. I vaguely remember my mom and dad fighting in the kitchen while my sister and I stood in the doorway.
3. I was a willful child and did things I wasn't supposed to when I disagreed with the reasoning behind the rule. And yes, it was the same thing over and over. I think I was in 5th or 6th grade when my dad not only grounded me for my latest bout of rule-breaking, but assigned 500 sentences, 3 lines each. Those weren't done well, so I had to redo them. And of that set, 250 were unacceptable. So, I sat down to re-write them. By the time I was done, I'd written 1250 sentences.
1. One of my earliest memories is my dad applying medicine to my chin. He was very gentle and very sweet. I was only 4 and had gotten into the razors. Apparently, I wanted to shave my chin like my dad did.
2. I vaguely remember my mom and dad fighting in the kitchen while my sister and I stood in the doorway.
3. I was a willful child and did things I wasn't supposed to when I disagreed with the reasoning behind the rule. And yes, it was the same thing over and over. I think I was in 5th or 6th grade when my dad not only grounded me for my latest bout of rule-breaking, but assigned 500 sentences, 3 lines each. Those weren't done well, so I had to redo them. And of that set, 250 were unacceptable. So, I sat down to re-write them. By the time I was done, I'd written 1250 sentences.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Places to live (Day 19 of 30)
If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
If I could choose to live anywhere I wanted - regardless of money, jobs, extended family - it'd be Hawaii. (What?! Money is not an issue in my fantasy!) The water is warm, the weather is amazing, the beaches are gorgeous. And, of course, everyone would finally want to come visit us! LOL. I can totally see myself hitting the beach on a regular basis - there's something about it that makes my soul feel rested and happy and soothed.
If I could choose to live anywhere I wanted - regardless of money, jobs, extended family - it'd be Hawaii. (What?! Money is not an issue in my fantasy!) The water is warm, the weather is amazing, the beaches are gorgeous. And, of course, everyone would finally want to come visit us! LOL. I can totally see myself hitting the beach on a regular basis - there's something about it that makes my soul feel rested and happy and soothed.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Forgiveness (Day 18 of 30)
What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
Forgiveness has played a tremendous part in my life over the past couple of years. I think the hardest thing to forgive is a broken heart. I've had my heart broken by good people who meant no harm. People who've simply made mistakes. As we all do. The hardest part for me is to know how very wrong I was about our relationship, about their feelings toward me. In the past couple of years, I've forgiven heartbreak that was so far in my past, I'd believed myself to have moved past it; and more recent hurt, as well. I'll never say I was innocent of any part in the issue. I'm not that egotistical. I made my own mistakes. But I've learned that forgiveness is definitely for me and not for the other person. Saying I've forgiven someone doesn't necessarily mean I've forgotten or I'll allow that person to remain in my life. Especially if he/she is toxic to my life. Forgiveness simply means I am ready to let go of the negativity, realize we all make mistakes, and move on with my life.
Forgiveness has played a tremendous part in my life over the past couple of years. I think the hardest thing to forgive is a broken heart. I've had my heart broken by good people who meant no harm. People who've simply made mistakes. As we all do. The hardest part for me is to know how very wrong I was about our relationship, about their feelings toward me. In the past couple of years, I've forgiven heartbreak that was so far in my past, I'd believed myself to have moved past it; and more recent hurt, as well. I'll never say I was innocent of any part in the issue. I'm not that egotistical. I made my own mistakes. But I've learned that forgiveness is definitely for me and not for the other person. Saying I've forgiven someone doesn't necessarily mean I've forgotten or I'll allow that person to remain in my life. Especially if he/she is toxic to my life. Forgiveness simply means I am ready to let go of the negativity, realize we all make mistakes, and move on with my life.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Stages of grief
It all sounds so clean cut and organized. There are 5 stages of grief. Blah blah blah.
It's been over a month since my last blog about Rachael. Stupid shit keeps happening in my life. Maybe it's the universe/God's way of keeping me busy... or like I told Wayne last month - seeing how much it'll take to really make me break.
I got to go to Dallas for a couple weeks for my sister's birthday. It was really great to be around all my family there. I love seeing Jack with his cousin, Raeleigh, and all his aunts and uncles (yes, Dave is an honorary uncle now). So freakin cute.
The night of Riann's birthday, we all went out. I knew she'd been having a hard day. I'd talked to mom a couple days earlier, the day after her own birthday, and it'd been a hard day for her. What they both said is it's hard to celebrate when all you can think is how Rachael won't have another birthday. She won't get to be 21 and go out to a bar with us. We won't get to drink a shot of tequila with her. We don't get to make fun of her first legal hangover.
I wonder if I'll feel like that on my birthday. It's so far away...
I've been home for a few days now. I went to see a movie with some friends. A guy OD's on pills and pukes. All I could think was, "I wish Rachael would have puked. I wish I'd found her lying in her own vomit and taken her to the ER so she'd still be alive." I know it doesn't help to wish or to think what if. I KNOW. But it's in there and I can't help it.
I've spent the evening looking at her FB page and all her friends' posts there. I watched the video her friend made. I can't post to her page. I can't think of what I'd say. Sometimes, just "I love you." Sometimes, just words of anger and frustration and hate. Hate for the drugs that she was hooked on. Hate for the circumstances. And a little bit for her, if I'm being honest. I mean, really... how could I not be mad at her? She knew what she was doing. We all begged her, in various ways, to stop.
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Apparently, not everyone experiences all of them; nor do they come in any particular order. I have no idea what stage I'm in. Somewhere between depression and anger, I'd guess. Only that sounds too clinical. So I'll call it sad and pissed off.
It's been over a month since my last blog about Rachael. Stupid shit keeps happening in my life. Maybe it's the universe/God's way of keeping me busy... or like I told Wayne last month - seeing how much it'll take to really make me break.
I got to go to Dallas for a couple weeks for my sister's birthday. It was really great to be around all my family there. I love seeing Jack with his cousin, Raeleigh, and all his aunts and uncles (yes, Dave is an honorary uncle now). So freakin cute.
The night of Riann's birthday, we all went out. I knew she'd been having a hard day. I'd talked to mom a couple days earlier, the day after her own birthday, and it'd been a hard day for her. What they both said is it's hard to celebrate when all you can think is how Rachael won't have another birthday. She won't get to be 21 and go out to a bar with us. We won't get to drink a shot of tequila with her. We don't get to make fun of her first legal hangover.
I wonder if I'll feel like that on my birthday. It's so far away...
I've been home for a few days now. I went to see a movie with some friends. A guy OD's on pills and pukes. All I could think was, "I wish Rachael would have puked. I wish I'd found her lying in her own vomit and taken her to the ER so she'd still be alive." I know it doesn't help to wish or to think what if. I KNOW. But it's in there and I can't help it.
I've spent the evening looking at her FB page and all her friends' posts there. I watched the video her friend made. I can't post to her page. I can't think of what I'd say. Sometimes, just "I love you." Sometimes, just words of anger and frustration and hate. Hate for the drugs that she was hooked on. Hate for the circumstances. And a little bit for her, if I'm being honest. I mean, really... how could I not be mad at her? She knew what she was doing. We all begged her, in various ways, to stop.
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Apparently, not everyone experiences all of them; nor do they come in any particular order. I have no idea what stage I'm in. Somewhere between depression and anger, I'd guess. Only that sounds too clinical. So I'll call it sad and pissed off.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Greatness (Day 17 of 30)
What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
Ohhhh. I want to be great at everything I do!! Seriously. I used to be an overachiever at work - which definitely did not earn me any brownie points with my coworkers. (Although, some of my bosses liked to take advantage of it, for sure!) In fact, I try to avoid anything I may not be stellar at. (Like singing in public.)
But! My one wish would be to be great at being a homemaker. Not just the mom part (although, I would love for Jack to say "my mom is the best" when he's all grown up). It's the keeping my home neat and tidy. Making the best, healthiest dinners. Keeping our finances in perfect order. Keeping my husband happy and smiling all the time. Being able to juggle it all without breaking a sweat. Hey... It's a WISH, y'all!
Ohhhh. I want to be great at everything I do!! Seriously. I used to be an overachiever at work - which definitely did not earn me any brownie points with my coworkers. (Although, some of my bosses liked to take advantage of it, for sure!) In fact, I try to avoid anything I may not be stellar at. (Like singing in public.)
But! My one wish would be to be great at being a homemaker. Not just the mom part (although, I would love for Jack to say "my mom is the best" when he's all grown up). It's the keeping my home neat and tidy. Making the best, healthiest dinners. Keeping our finances in perfect order. Keeping my husband happy and smiling all the time. Being able to juggle it all without breaking a sweat. Hey... It's a WISH, y'all!
Accomplishments (Day 16 of 30)
What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
1. My son. He's not yet fully grown but he is amazing. Smart, funny, imaginative, beautiful. And a really good boy. He has his moments, of course, but he is good.
2. Myself. I'm still working on me, but I think I'm turning out pretty well.
3. My home. It may not be the neatest or cleanest, but it's comfy and welcoming.
4. My marriage. Again, not completely done (obviously), but I happen to think we work well together on figuring things out and making things work. Aside from the obvious (love), it's important that we are friends.
I guess I only have 4... that just means I have so much more to come!
1. My son. He's not yet fully grown but he is amazing. Smart, funny, imaginative, beautiful. And a really good boy. He has his moments, of course, but he is good.
2. Myself. I'm still working on me, but I think I'm turning out pretty well.
3. My home. It may not be the neatest or cleanest, but it's comfy and welcoming.
4. My marriage. Again, not completely done (obviously), but I happen to think we work well together on figuring things out and making things work. Aside from the obvious (love), it's important that we are friends.
I guess I only have 4... that just means I have so much more to come!
Animal (Day 15 of 30)
If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
Oh, how I've always abhorred this question. My brain just doesn't work this way. I wouldn't be an animal. I'd be a human. Why would I want to be an animal and live in the outdoors, dealing with someone trying to kill me all the time? Having to hunt and/or gather food? I like being a human - I can go to a grocery store to purchase pre-killed, pre-gathered, pre-packaged foods. I can sleep in a comfy, temperature controlled home with little fear of being attacked. I can have babies without fear of having them eaten by a predator. I guess I'm just spoiled by my human life.
Oh, how I've always abhorred this question. My brain just doesn't work this way. I wouldn't be an animal. I'd be a human. Why would I want to be an animal and live in the outdoors, dealing with someone trying to kill me all the time? Having to hunt and/or gather food? I like being a human - I can go to a grocery store to purchase pre-killed, pre-gathered, pre-packaged foods. I can sleep in a comfy, temperature controlled home with little fear of being attacked. I can have babies without fear of having them eaten by a predator. I guess I'm just spoiled by my human life.
Strengths (Day 14 of 30)
Describe 5 strengths you have.
1. Emotional. I know what you're thinking - how is this a strength?? First, let me explain: when I say emotional, I do not mean hyper-sensitive, super intense, spilling my personal feelings all over anyone who comes near me. I mean that I have a heightened sense of my own emotional well-being, which translates into being able to define and own my emotions - and DEAL with them. Obviously, I'm not perfect. There are things I haven't been able to handle yet. But, in every day life, I am comfortable expressing my emotions and moving on.
2. Forgiveness. I can forgive almost anyone almost anything. Sometimes, it takes a little longer than others. But, in the end, I'll try to see where the other person was coming from and forgive them.
3. Humor. I can make fun of myself like no one else. I can find the humor in nearly any situation. It definitely balances things out for me in tough situations.
4. Honesty. I rarely lie. I won't say never, because we all lie from time to time. But I really try to avoid it. I was a serious liar as a kid - and I got caught about 50% of the time. Now, a lie will make me feel sick to my stomach and sad and guilty as hell. So, I just don't do it. Besides, lying is exhausting. Not only do you have to come up with a good, believable story but you have to remember all the details so as to never get caught.
5. Love. It's so very very cheesy, but I have a lot of love in me. And I love so many people. I'm not always the best friend or wife or mom, but I always try. And I always let people know how much they mean to me.
1. Emotional. I know what you're thinking - how is this a strength?? First, let me explain: when I say emotional, I do not mean hyper-sensitive, super intense, spilling my personal feelings all over anyone who comes near me. I mean that I have a heightened sense of my own emotional well-being, which translates into being able to define and own my emotions - and DEAL with them. Obviously, I'm not perfect. There are things I haven't been able to handle yet. But, in every day life, I am comfortable expressing my emotions and moving on.
2. Forgiveness. I can forgive almost anyone almost anything. Sometimes, it takes a little longer than others. But, in the end, I'll try to see where the other person was coming from and forgive them.
3. Humor. I can make fun of myself like no one else. I can find the humor in nearly any situation. It definitely balances things out for me in tough situations.
4. Honesty. I rarely lie. I won't say never, because we all lie from time to time. But I really try to avoid it. I was a serious liar as a kid - and I got caught about 50% of the time. Now, a lie will make me feel sick to my stomach and sad and guilty as hell. So, I just don't do it. Besides, lying is exhausting. Not only do you have to come up with a good, believable story but you have to remember all the details so as to never get caught.
5. Love. It's so very very cheesy, but I have a lot of love in me. And I love so many people. I'm not always the best friend or wife or mom, but I always try. And I always let people know how much they mean to me.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Weaknesses (Day 13 of 30)
Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
Ohhh, I've always hated this one!! (Even when they call them "challenges.")
1. Insecurity. I like myself. I really do. I just never know if others like me. For real like me. Which is somewhat crazy. And, like most people, I hate being judged. So, I find myself holding back. Just keeping my mouth shut, or trying to blend in, so that I don't have to deal with the hurt feelings that come with someone's harsh judgments. Which all points out how insecure I am.
2. Laziness. Given the choice of lying on the couch, watching mindless TV or cleaning, I will choose TV 9 times out of 10. Or reading. Or blogging. Or Facebook. Anything besides cleaning.
3. Codependency. I have a tendency toward being codependent. It stems from my childhood and I have a pretty good handle on it, but still struggle from time to time.
4. Jealousy. I try really hard not to let this one come out, but I am quite capable of being jealous. And not just in a romantic scenario. I find myself envious of my siblings because they all live near each other now - when they post fun things they've done together, my heart tings and I get jealous. Or when Wayne goes out with his friends and they have a great time, I'm a little jealous that I wasn't there to share in the fun. (Although, I go out without him, too.) But I wanted to be there, with him, when he was having fun. It's really silly of me and I don't let it get in the way of anything, but it is definitely there.
5. Lack of self-discipline. It's why I can't be self-employed. At a job, I feel a sense of obligation and urgency in completing my tasks - people are counting on me. Plus, they're paying me to do xyz, so I better get it done. But on my own, I find reasons why I don't want/have to do things. Which is why having a gym buddy and/or personal training sessions work so well for me - someone is counting on me to be there, so I get there.
Many... listing your faults is exhausting and somewhat depressing. I guess you can't work on them if you don't acknowledge them, though.
Ohhh, I've always hated this one!! (Even when they call them "challenges.")
1. Insecurity. I like myself. I really do. I just never know if others like me. For real like me. Which is somewhat crazy. And, like most people, I hate being judged. So, I find myself holding back. Just keeping my mouth shut, or trying to blend in, so that I don't have to deal with the hurt feelings that come with someone's harsh judgments. Which all points out how insecure I am.
2. Laziness. Given the choice of lying on the couch, watching mindless TV or cleaning, I will choose TV 9 times out of 10. Or reading. Or blogging. Or Facebook. Anything besides cleaning.
3. Codependency. I have a tendency toward being codependent. It stems from my childhood and I have a pretty good handle on it, but still struggle from time to time.
4. Jealousy. I try really hard not to let this one come out, but I am quite capable of being jealous. And not just in a romantic scenario. I find myself envious of my siblings because they all live near each other now - when they post fun things they've done together, my heart tings and I get jealous. Or when Wayne goes out with his friends and they have a great time, I'm a little jealous that I wasn't there to share in the fun. (Although, I go out without him, too.) But I wanted to be there, with him, when he was having fun. It's really silly of me and I don't let it get in the way of anything, but it is definitely there.
5. Lack of self-discipline. It's why I can't be self-employed. At a job, I feel a sense of obligation and urgency in completing my tasks - people are counting on me. Plus, they're paying me to do xyz, so I better get it done. But on my own, I find reasons why I don't want/have to do things. Which is why having a gym buddy and/or personal training sessions work so well for me - someone is counting on me to be there, so I get there.
Many... listing your faults is exhausting and somewhat depressing. I guess you can't work on them if you don't acknowledge them, though.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Typical Day (Day 12 of 30)
Describe a typical day in your current life.
I am currently on vacation, but when at home, our typical day goes something like this:
Wake up around 7/7:30, argue with Jack about waking up, get ready and finally head out the door around 8. We go to the gym (when he's not in school), run errands, have playdates/brunch/lunch dates, and finally end up at home in time for "quiet time." (That's where Jack watches TV in the family room and I semi-unconsciously watch TV in the living room.) Before I know it, it's time to start dinner and do a little picking up. Somewhere in there, I fit in blogging, FB, bill paying, menu planning, calling to make doctor's appointments, grocery list writing, and social calendar planning. Oh - and ovulation calculations. Ha!
After dinner, Jack starts getting ready for bed - shower/bath, stories, etc. After he goes to bed, Wayne and I watch TV. And start laundry we suddenly remember we need washed before the next morning. We have been trying to go to bed around 10, but it's usually more like 12 by the time we're actually asleep.
I'd like to say I feel super productive at the end of the day, but I rarely do. I feel like most of the day slipped by without me noticing. But I have a happy kid and a happy husband, so I really can't complain.
I am currently on vacation, but when at home, our typical day goes something like this:
Wake up around 7/7:30, argue with Jack about waking up, get ready and finally head out the door around 8. We go to the gym (when he's not in school), run errands, have playdates/brunch/lunch dates, and finally end up at home in time for "quiet time." (That's where Jack watches TV in the family room and I semi-unconsciously watch TV in the living room.) Before I know it, it's time to start dinner and do a little picking up. Somewhere in there, I fit in blogging, FB, bill paying, menu planning, calling to make doctor's appointments, grocery list writing, and social calendar planning. Oh - and ovulation calculations. Ha!
After dinner, Jack starts getting ready for bed - shower/bath, stories, etc. After he goes to bed, Wayne and I watch TV. And start laundry we suddenly remember we need washed before the next morning. We have been trying to go to bed around 10, but it's usually more like 12 by the time we're actually asleep.
I'd like to say I feel super productive at the end of the day, but I rarely do. I feel like most of the day slipped by without me noticing. But I have a happy kid and a happy husband, so I really can't complain.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Pet peeves (Day 11 of 30)
Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
1. Crazy drivers. Especially when I have my child in the car. And then the crazy person decides to flip me the finger as she races past me.
2. Unprofessionalism. I realize you're getting paid less than minimum wage to take my order and serve my food, but YOU chose this job. Make the best of it. Trust me, you'll make more in tips if you quit being a douche to your customers and stop complaining about your job within earshot. (And this also applies to people talking about their hangovers, partying, baby daddies/mamas, and other personal business.)
3. Flaking. I realize things come up, but I make every effort to do what I say I'll do. I have had to bow out of plans; we all do. But when it happens again and again... I suspect you think it'll be "okay" with me. It's not.
4. Lying. Even tiny little "white lies." It pisses me off, hurts my feelings, and generally makes me regard you as someone I should probably avoid. I don't care if you're trying to spare my feelings - just tell me the truth. I am hypersensitive to lies, so I almost always know anyway. (Most of you are terrible liars, anyway.)
5. Questioning my parenting choices. I am trying my hardest to do the best thing for my kid. So, if I say he can't have anymore sugar for the day, I have reasons - you may not understand them, but I don't care to justify myself. And I'm sick to death of people thinking they know best. You are not his mom or dad, so I really don't care that you disagree with me. A treat every now and then is fine. But when the kid has diarrhea and stomach aches... yeah, he feels better after a while, but that's no reason to dump more crap into his system. The only person who has a right to discuss how I parent my child is my husband. (And even he knows better. Haha!)
6. The belief that all Christians (of any denomination) are uber conservative, right-wing, close minded, uneducated freaks. I'm not. I am Christian. I believe in God and Jesus. I have found answers to many of my life questions in the Bible. I have grown as a person, a parent, a wife, a daughter, a sibling and a friend since I have begun studying the Bible. I turn to God when I have a blessing or a problem. But that doesn't mean I believe gays are going to hell. Or that I'm now a Republican. (The change of heart on the gun issue you can blame on my gun-loving husband. Haha!) I still like to have a drink. I still like to have fun. Any prude-like behaviors came on as a result of having my son - long before we started attending church. And as far as uneducated goes, most of the Christians I know have at least a Bachelor's degree.
7. Smoking around my kid. (Or any kids...) I grew up with smoker parents. My dad and stepmom quit when I was fairly young. My mom and stepdad still smoke to this day. It bothered me a lot, especially in the car. Now that I'm a grown up, I get really irritated with people who smoke in their homes or cars but especially if they have kids. The damage being done to their little lungs is just sad. But it's gross - even if you're outside, and a kid is around, he is breathing that in. Just walk away. And if you're going to be around my kid, try to wash off the smoke smell when you do come back in. He'll tell you if you stink. haha!
8. Competitive parenting. I'm pretty sure I blogged about this a while back. It still irks me. Luckily, most of the parents I hang with don't do this. But if you've ever been around a one-upper, you know what I mean. Only it's magnified. Because now, the one-upper isn't just saying you're not good enough - he/she is implying your kid is less than awesome. And, let's face it, we all want to think our kid is the most awesome of the awesome kids. Which is... awesome. But when you let it get out of control, that's your own ego talking. And that's definitely not going to do you or your kid any good.
**Note: this definitely does not mean don't praise your kid in front of me or tell me what an awesome job he/she did on her test, karate, dance recital, etc. Just when you start assigning genius status to your kid while we're discussing everyday things kids do... well, let's just say I am pretty sure you're a little biased.
9. Backseat cheffing. This is when someone is in the kitchen while you cook and decides to throw in little "helpful hints." Such as, "you may want to turn the heat up/down on that," or "don't you think you should slice/dice that a little smaller/bigger?" And my favorite, "are you sure you want to do that?" If I do want to do any of the above, I will. I am making this meal and you should just be happy to have me cooking for you. So, shut it, and go peel those potatoes for me, would you?
10. Belittling my opinion. It's fine if you disagree with me, but if you try to come off like I must be stupid to think the way I do, you come off as a douche. I am definitely not stupid. So, to repeat myself, shut it. Or I just won't talk to you anymore.
1. Crazy drivers. Especially when I have my child in the car. And then the crazy person decides to flip me the finger as she races past me.
2. Unprofessionalism. I realize you're getting paid less than minimum wage to take my order and serve my food, but YOU chose this job. Make the best of it. Trust me, you'll make more in tips if you quit being a douche to your customers and stop complaining about your job within earshot. (And this also applies to people talking about their hangovers, partying, baby daddies/mamas, and other personal business.)
3. Flaking. I realize things come up, but I make every effort to do what I say I'll do. I have had to bow out of plans; we all do. But when it happens again and again... I suspect you think it'll be "okay" with me. It's not.
4. Lying. Even tiny little "white lies." It pisses me off, hurts my feelings, and generally makes me regard you as someone I should probably avoid. I don't care if you're trying to spare my feelings - just tell me the truth. I am hypersensitive to lies, so I almost always know anyway. (Most of you are terrible liars, anyway.)
5. Questioning my parenting choices. I am trying my hardest to do the best thing for my kid. So, if I say he can't have anymore sugar for the day, I have reasons - you may not understand them, but I don't care to justify myself. And I'm sick to death of people thinking they know best. You are not his mom or dad, so I really don't care that you disagree with me. A treat every now and then is fine. But when the kid has diarrhea and stomach aches... yeah, he feels better after a while, but that's no reason to dump more crap into his system. The only person who has a right to discuss how I parent my child is my husband. (And even he knows better. Haha!)
6. The belief that all Christians (of any denomination) are uber conservative, right-wing, close minded, uneducated freaks. I'm not. I am Christian. I believe in God and Jesus. I have found answers to many of my life questions in the Bible. I have grown as a person, a parent, a wife, a daughter, a sibling and a friend since I have begun studying the Bible. I turn to God when I have a blessing or a problem. But that doesn't mean I believe gays are going to hell. Or that I'm now a Republican. (The change of heart on the gun issue you can blame on my gun-loving husband. Haha!) I still like to have a drink. I still like to have fun. Any prude-like behaviors came on as a result of having my son - long before we started attending church. And as far as uneducated goes, most of the Christians I know have at least a Bachelor's degree.
7. Smoking around my kid. (Or any kids...) I grew up with smoker parents. My dad and stepmom quit when I was fairly young. My mom and stepdad still smoke to this day. It bothered me a lot, especially in the car. Now that I'm a grown up, I get really irritated with people who smoke in their homes or cars but especially if they have kids. The damage being done to their little lungs is just sad. But it's gross - even if you're outside, and a kid is around, he is breathing that in. Just walk away. And if you're going to be around my kid, try to wash off the smoke smell when you do come back in. He'll tell you if you stink. haha!
8. Competitive parenting. I'm pretty sure I blogged about this a while back. It still irks me. Luckily, most of the parents I hang with don't do this. But if you've ever been around a one-upper, you know what I mean. Only it's magnified. Because now, the one-upper isn't just saying you're not good enough - he/she is implying your kid is less than awesome. And, let's face it, we all want to think our kid is the most awesome of the awesome kids. Which is... awesome. But when you let it get out of control, that's your own ego talking. And that's definitely not going to do you or your kid any good.
**Note: this definitely does not mean don't praise your kid in front of me or tell me what an awesome job he/she did on her test, karate, dance recital, etc. Just when you start assigning genius status to your kid while we're discussing everyday things kids do... well, let's just say I am pretty sure you're a little biased.
9. Backseat cheffing. This is when someone is in the kitchen while you cook and decides to throw in little "helpful hints." Such as, "you may want to turn the heat up/down on that," or "don't you think you should slice/dice that a little smaller/bigger?" And my favorite, "are you sure you want to do that?" If I do want to do any of the above, I will. I am making this meal and you should just be happy to have me cooking for you. So, shut it, and go peel those potatoes for me, would you?
10. Belittling my opinion. It's fine if you disagree with me, but if you try to come off like I must be stupid to think the way I do, you come off as a douche. I am definitely not stupid. So, to repeat myself, shut it. Or I just won't talk to you anymore.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Most embarrassing moment (Day 10 of 30)
Describe your most embarrasing moment.
Ahhh. There are so many from which to choose!! I do a lot of embarrassing things. I fall down, I say the wrong thing, I do something unintentionally goofy... But none of it really makes a lasting impression on me - I end up laughing at myself. Because, really? We ALL do embarrassing things. It's in our nature. And if I were take them all seriously, I'd be a mess. Well, more of a mess than I already am.
Here's a story that simultaneously makes me laugh til I wanna pee and cringe because I feel bad:
My friend, E, had moved recently to our town. In getting to know her, she admitted that while she loved her some God, she felt a little smothered by her religion back in her hometown. Don't get me wrong - she is a deeply religious person. And she loved her church family. She was just going through a little bit of a change and trying to find the right fit for their new life. I dubbed her a "recovering Baptist."
One evening, E accompanied me to a home sales party. (I believe it was home decor being sold, but can't really remember.) Somehow, the hostess, her friend, and E got on the subject of the Duggar family and Arkansas. The hostess asked if there were many Mormons in Arkansas. (She mistakenly believed the Duggars to be Mormon.) E told her she attended a Baptist church in Arkansas but now attended First Christian. I quickly jumped in with our little joke and piped up, "E's a recovering Baptist!"
...
...
The hostess replies, "I am Baptist."
I was mortified. I felt so badly for insulting her religion. I had no right and was very much in the wrong. I know plenty of people who have/do attend Baptist churches and they are great people. There's nothing wrong with being Baptist. Just like there's nothing wrong with being Catholic, yet my husband and I will sometimes joke about his childhood religion.
The rest of the evening is a blur. I remember finally getting to my car, and E and I dissolving into laughter. Mind you - we were laughing at ME, shoving both feet into my mouth, at the home of a woman I barely knew. I've seen her out in town a few times, but she either has decided to ignore me or truly doesn't remember me. I can only hope it is the latter and that she didn't dwell on my idiocy and lack of judgement.
Ahhh. There are so many from which to choose!! I do a lot of embarrassing things. I fall down, I say the wrong thing, I do something unintentionally goofy... But none of it really makes a lasting impression on me - I end up laughing at myself. Because, really? We ALL do embarrassing things. It's in our nature. And if I were take them all seriously, I'd be a mess. Well, more of a mess than I already am.
Here's a story that simultaneously makes me laugh til I wanna pee and cringe because I feel bad:
My friend, E, had moved recently to our town. In getting to know her, she admitted that while she loved her some God, she felt a little smothered by her religion back in her hometown. Don't get me wrong - she is a deeply religious person. And she loved her church family. She was just going through a little bit of a change and trying to find the right fit for their new life. I dubbed her a "recovering Baptist."
One evening, E accompanied me to a home sales party. (I believe it was home decor being sold, but can't really remember.) Somehow, the hostess, her friend, and E got on the subject of the Duggar family and Arkansas. The hostess asked if there were many Mormons in Arkansas. (She mistakenly believed the Duggars to be Mormon.) E told her she attended a Baptist church in Arkansas but now attended First Christian. I quickly jumped in with our little joke and piped up, "E's a recovering Baptist!"
...
...
The hostess replies, "I am Baptist."
I was mortified. I felt so badly for insulting her religion. I had no right and was very much in the wrong. I know plenty of people who have/do attend Baptist churches and they are great people. There's nothing wrong with being Baptist. Just like there's nothing wrong with being Catholic, yet my husband and I will sometimes joke about his childhood religion.
The rest of the evening is a blur. I remember finally getting to my car, and E and I dissolving into laughter. Mind you - we were laughing at ME, shoving both feet into my mouth, at the home of a woman I barely knew. I've seen her out in town a few times, but she either has decided to ignore me or truly doesn't remember me. I can only hope it is the latter and that she didn't dwell on my idiocy and lack of judgement.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Influential people (Day 9 of 30)
List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
1. My dad. We didn't have the best relationship, growing up. I was a stubborn, willful child. I didn't like to be told what to do unless I'd been given a rational explanation. (As a parent now to the same kind of child, I see how frustrating that can be!) Add to that a natural resistance to emoting on his part, and an abundance of emotion on mine, things got uncomfortable. Let's say I had "daddy issues" for some time. His influence colored the way I saw men for some time. And not all bad - he was never a cheater or a drinker. I never put up with too many shenanigans from any man because of my dad.
2. My mom. When I was a kid, she was such a hippie. Not in an unbathed way. But she was the first person who told me love can't be wrong. I think I've made a lot of decisions in my life based on what my heart says - some good, some bad, but all the right decision at the time.
3. My stepdad, JD. He was so much fun. And, as a teen, he helped Mom and I navigate our relationship. But mostly what he influenced was my sense of truth. He has a sense of honor and integrity that I hope I live up to and can instill in Jack.
4. My stepmom. She made our home, in many senses of the word. She kept the house looking nice - not just clean, but well decorated; did our laundry, baked delicious chocolate chip cookies, and made the world's best fried chicken - all with 4 kids and one income. When I look around my house, I want to know it's as well kept as Mom's.
5. My good friend, Judy. I worked with Judy in California and then in Texas. She has kids my age, but she has been my friend for years. Judy taught me a lot about a lot. She knows so much about etiquette and the finer things in life. I'd still be eating crappy food and drinking cheap alcohol, if it weren't for her influence.
5b. An Army vet, my husband has different views on the world than I do. He tends to think I have a rose-colored view of the world. I think his is colored by too much negativity. (Would that be gray??) Wayne has helped me become a little more grounded and realistic.
6. My friends, Dan and Dyana. (They're married so they count as one, right?) During a difficult time, Dan and Dyana were there to help me navigate the many questions I had in regards to Christianity. Dyana never balked at any of the questions I had. Dan gave amazingly objective advice. Neither of them judged me. Not once. It's because of them that I began to see that I could be a Christian and not have to be hypocrite or a stereotype.
7. Wayne, again. (Yes, he gets two slots - he's influenced me that much!!) My husband's love is completely steady and unwavering. Being loved that way has helped me come a long way in terms of insecurity. I can now accept myself for who I am and know he'll always be there - no matter who else lets me down.
8. My sister, Riann. She is passionately committed to fairness and equality. Seeing Riann take a stand on issues has helped me to see that we can make a difference. Even when her sense of fairness and objectivity (when I'm complaining about a loved one) can make me nuts! (Because she's right but I want to be mad. LOL)
9. My sister, Rachael. I'm not done figuring out how she's influenced me - but knowing her, and losing her, has definitely shaped my life.
10. My friend, Kel. What can I say? I can literally say nothing, and Kel will understand what I mean. That kind of friendship has helped me to grow and become more aware of who I am and who I want to be. She's like my friend-therapist - only with lots of laughing. (And only a little crying.)
1. My dad. We didn't have the best relationship, growing up. I was a stubborn, willful child. I didn't like to be told what to do unless I'd been given a rational explanation. (As a parent now to the same kind of child, I see how frustrating that can be!) Add to that a natural resistance to emoting on his part, and an abundance of emotion on mine, things got uncomfortable. Let's say I had "daddy issues" for some time. His influence colored the way I saw men for some time. And not all bad - he was never a cheater or a drinker. I never put up with too many shenanigans from any man because of my dad.
2. My mom. When I was a kid, she was such a hippie. Not in an unbathed way. But she was the first person who told me love can't be wrong. I think I've made a lot of decisions in my life based on what my heart says - some good, some bad, but all the right decision at the time.
3. My stepdad, JD. He was so much fun. And, as a teen, he helped Mom and I navigate our relationship. But mostly what he influenced was my sense of truth. He has a sense of honor and integrity that I hope I live up to and can instill in Jack.
4. My stepmom. She made our home, in many senses of the word. She kept the house looking nice - not just clean, but well decorated; did our laundry, baked delicious chocolate chip cookies, and made the world's best fried chicken - all with 4 kids and one income. When I look around my house, I want to know it's as well kept as Mom's.
5. My good friend, Judy. I worked with Judy in California and then in Texas. She has kids my age, but she has been my friend for years. Judy taught me a lot about a lot. She knows so much about etiquette and the finer things in life. I'd still be eating crappy food and drinking cheap alcohol, if it weren't for her influence.
5b. An Army vet, my husband has different views on the world than I do. He tends to think I have a rose-colored view of the world. I think his is colored by too much negativity. (Would that be gray??) Wayne has helped me become a little more grounded and realistic.
6. My friends, Dan and Dyana. (They're married so they count as one, right?) During a difficult time, Dan and Dyana were there to help me navigate the many questions I had in regards to Christianity. Dyana never balked at any of the questions I had. Dan gave amazingly objective advice. Neither of them judged me. Not once. It's because of them that I began to see that I could be a Christian and not have to be hypocrite or a stereotype.
7. Wayne, again. (Yes, he gets two slots - he's influenced me that much!!) My husband's love is completely steady and unwavering. Being loved that way has helped me come a long way in terms of insecurity. I can now accept myself for who I am and know he'll always be there - no matter who else lets me down.
8. My sister, Riann. She is passionately committed to fairness and equality. Seeing Riann take a stand on issues has helped me to see that we can make a difference. Even when her sense of fairness and objectivity (when I'm complaining about a loved one) can make me nuts! (Because she's right but I want to be mad. LOL)
9. My sister, Rachael. I'm not done figuring out how she's influenced me - but knowing her, and losing her, has definitely shaped my life.
10. My friend, Kel. What can I say? I can literally say nothing, and Kel will understand what I mean. That kind of friendship has helped me to grow and become more aware of who I am and who I want to be. She's like my friend-therapist - only with lots of laughing. (And only a little crying.)
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