Wednesday, August 18, 2010

And to lighten things up a bit...

Yesterday's blog was so cringe-worthy in it's nasty bitter aftertaste that I thought I'd try to counter it with something nicer. I'd hate for newcomers to believe that is me!! Plus, I kinda flipped through the last few blogs and noticed a TON of negativity. Boo!!
I've been doing a lot of thinking about religion and spirituality lately. We've been attending church - a church where I have some awesome friends and have met some really nice people. I'm still pretty undecided about church and religion as a whole but that's for another blog, another day. What I will say is that I definitely believe that what you put out into the universe or give up to God or however you want to say it... it comes back. I'll not claim to have dealt with the very worst this life can deal out but I have had moments wherein I questioned what the hell I could have done to deserve the misery I was experiencing.
Now is not one of those times. Nothing is perfect - never could be. But I am just so grateful right now to have my boys, my friends, my life. Wayne's job scare is over and he is LOVING the new job. Plus, the health insurance fiasco got all straightened out and we no longer have that worry. We have a lovely house, food in the fridge, friends and family who love us... We really have very little to be worried or stressed about and THAT in itself is a huge blessing. So, this is me, kinda putting it out there - that we're thankful for everything. Even watermelon and fruit snacks.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

TMI... Tuesday?

Okay, so LiLu over at LivitLuvit did her TMI Thursdays but I so couldn't wait two more days. And mine's really not funny like hers are. (Seriously, hI-lar-ious! Check it out. I'll wait. Or maybe you should go after you read my bitchfest - to keep you from slipping into a deep, dark place of melancholy and/or rage.)
If you hate reading about PMS, this post is not for you. There's very little gore but a lot of emotional bullshit and drama, so that's your warning. And if you dare to read on and then decide to blast me for being honest, well, I won't post your nasty little comments because I warned you to begin with and you shoulda heeded said warning so back.the.hell.off.already.
Can you tell where this is going? Really? Because I'm pretty sure most people think of me as funny and nice. (I hope, anyway.) Maybe a little bit complain-y or whiny but mostly nice and fun. (That does not apply to ex-boyfriends, people who've seriously screwed me over or my family. Not that my family belongs in the same category but because I love them, they've seen me at my worst.)
Lately, it's all I can do to keep the bitchy comments and snappish attitude under control. I seriously want to punch someone in the face. Why? Who the hell knows? Things are going really well for us so all I can think is... HORMONES. Damn things screw me every freaking month, but lately? It's outta control, dude. It feels like an exorcism needs to take place. Not only have I been cranky and on the verge of physically assaulting total strangers, but I have had heartburn for what feels like weeks. (But has only been a few days.) I haven't been sleeping. My back hurts. I don't feel like cooking or cleaning or doing anything. I don't even want to shower. Seriously. This freaking SUCKS. And, on top of it all, I'm beating myself up about being cranky, tired, heartburny, sore and generally a miserable pain in the ass to be around. Vicious cycle. Funnily enough, I know that I'll wake up in a few days (or a week) and be back to my normal self and wonder why I ever thought I was losing it. Until it starts all over again next month...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Staying home

I have like, literally 15 minutes until I'm supposed to pick up Jack from school but just saw a friend's post and another friend's comment on Facebook regarding friend A's dilemma about returning to work. I began to comment and then realized I would take up WAY too much space and time on her Facebook, offering my opinions - which she and her other friends/family may or may not care about.
So I decided to post it here where I know you all care immensely about what goes on in my brain.
My friend has three beautiful children and has been on a leave of absence from work and is deciding if she should return or continue to stay home. Our other friend's response was something to the effect of "being a working mom is good for my brain but I miss my kids." (Hers was much more eloquent and I hope she'll forgive me but I AM a bit rushed at the moment.) All of which got me thinking about the stay-at-home mom vs the working mom. While there are still some women who have made definite choices and believe theirs is the one and only correct way, I believe (hope) most of us have come to realize that everyone does what is best for herself and none of us can judge. Personally, I don't believe I could handle the working mom lifestyle. Aside from the emotional aspect of it - and we all know just how emotional I am! - there is the flat out exhaustion! I can barely keep my house clean while not working. I could only begin to imagine the horridness that would occur should I return to work at this stage in our lives. (Think Hoarders: Buried Alive.) I have untold amounts of respect and awe for my friends who do it all - work, take care of not one but two or more small children, do the housework, laundry, cooking and shopping. Plus, paying bills, keeping the social/family calendar updated and filled... it's exhausting to just think about!!
On the flip side, I am a bit envious, at times. I love my kid. In ways I never thought imaginable. But I find myself bogged down in the daily life struggles of discipline, potty-training, behavior, teaching, discipline, discipline, discipline. Especially in this particular phase of smart-mouthed, defiant attitude. I begin to wonder if I had a break from him - if I missed him during the day while I was at work or he was at school or whatever - if I would appreciate him more. And enjoy him more. Which makes me a little sad that I feel I need time away from him in order to enjoy the present with him. And that is definitely something I need to work on. Being present in the present.
But it just got me thinking... And maybe I'm a horrible mom for admitting it and you'll all turn on me now, but it is what it is. As they say: at least I'm honest!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Aarrggghhhh

So... it's 11:11 p.m. Really. And I'm sitting in my living room, exhausted, alone, with no real desire to go to sleep. Why? Who the hell knows?!?! Do I have the kind of lifestyle that can support staying up late? Not so much. Do I have a shit-ton of things to do tomorrow? And the next day? And the next? Thereby, demanding that I get a minimum of 8 hours sleep? Why, yes! Yes, I fucking do. But can I sleep? Oh heeeeellllll no.
I go through these random stages of not sleeping. And it always seems to happen when I really could use the extra zz's. Like, when my house is so horribly messy that I couldn't POSSIBLY have anyone over, much less let the UPS or Domino's guy see inside. And do I do anything about the mess? Not really. I mean, today, I like TOTALLY cleaned out my fridge and it looks gorgeous. Well, as fridges go. But that was, hmmm, 16 hours ago? And since then I've done?? Oh yeah - one load of laundry because my shorts had been worn so many times, they were falling off of me. And Wayne had no pants to wear to work tomorrow. Oh yeah. I also cooked dinner and did the dishes after. Which sounds incredibly pathetic.
Now why haven't I cleaned up the mess or done the laundry or any of the other things I should have done? Because, damnit, I haven't slept in days. I mean, I've slept. I just haven't slept enough. And I don't do well on little to no sleep. I used to. Then I had a kid and got old. And it sucks.
So, on the list of things that I should have done by now and haven't:
  1. Made earrings for my mother
  2. Sent Rachael's birthday card/present to her (her birthday is Sunday and she lives in VA - soooo not gonna get there on time! Sorry, Rach!)
  3. Picked up all the randomness scattered about the house
  4. Folded the clean towels I washed... ummm... Monday?
  5. Changed the sheets on my bed
  6. Vacuumed
  7. Fixed my jeans with the super cute fabric I bought months ago
  8. Started writing my book (HA!)
  9. Filing
  10. Organizing
  11. Cleaning
  12. Exercise
  13. Found new health insurance
  14. Blah
  15. Blah
Just thought 15 would be a nice number. Anywho... Yeah. So, no sleep for me. I'm bored. And tired. Guess I'll go lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Because this isn't helping - it's just making me disgusted with myself and probably bumming y'all out. (All 12 of you. Yay!)

Monday, August 2, 2010

New job, baby making on hold, and insurance companies SUCK

Wayne got a new job!!! Woo hoo!!! The same day his current employer told him they couldn't retain him past September 15th (his birthday, btw), he accepted a new position with another company here in Sierra Vista. He won't be teaching anymore, but I think he'll really enjoy the new position. The upside is it's a raise. The downside is that if we opt to use their insurance, it's actually a decrease in pay from what we make now. Seriously. Their insurance is just that expensive.
So we decided to look into private insurance. Which we can get for around $400, as long as we don't want prenatal, postnatal or maternity coverage. Because that would be an additional $400. Grrrr. This prompted an all out freak out by me on Saturday - I'm nearly 34 years old. Jack is nearly 4. I wanted to have another one last year. Now we have to put it off indefinitely... which in my brain computed to never. Because I have it in my head at 35, I'll be done. I don't know if that's because I believe I won't medically be able to have more kids at that age, or because I think I'll be too old. Then there's the whole age difference thing with Jack and a sibling. I wanted him to be close to his brother or sister and don't know how close they can be if they're 6 or 7 years apart. I mean, my brother and I aren't really close - we love each other, sure - but we're nearly 7 years apart and never got close like my sisters and I did. (We're 18 months and 3 1/2 years apart.) I also think that the further away from baby stages we get with Jack, the less we want to go back to the land of sleep deprivation, breast feeding and constant diaper changes.
We've decided to wait, as of now. Because what else can we do? Never know what might change in the blink of an eye... obviously. Haha

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Book teaser

Got the inspiration from the Ex-Hot Girl.

Rules:
* Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
* Turn to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post that sentence (plus one or two others if you like) along with these instructions on your blog or (if you do not have your own blog) in the comments section of this blog.
*Post a link along with your post back to this blog.



Sizzling Sixteen, by Janet Evanovich
I'd sent Ranger home early the night before, deciding I wasn't ready to get that lucky. A night with Ranger was tempting, but the cost would be high.